The Not So Blissful Side of Meditation.

What initially pulled me into the world of meditation was not the thought of liberation or that I might be exploring the realms of my mind, but more the thought that I might have some relaxing moments where the worldly worries would just fade away (I actually would advise anyone whose intention it is to just relax and let go a little more to have a light daily practice at first). Slowly, but surely as my practice stayed consistent and I began to see what I was really getting into, my intentions would change. My experiences got more interesting and so did my world. My concept of reality became more and more dreamlike at moments than concrete or something I could even grasp with the idea that it was possible to understand. As this happened I began to fall, I began to grasp because slowly the “I” was fading more and more. This Dark Night (which lasted much longer than one night!) put me in the depths of my fear. I went as far as to start praying for deliverance from this fear even though I am not a religious man. The more I resisted and desired to be free of this darkness, the more it engulfed my very presence. 

It is an experience that does not need to be illustrated with imagery or discussing what exactly happened during that sensory phenomena other than the grasping of self when there was little self to grasp. When that wave finally crashed and washed back into the ocean of my mind, I was left with only the experience of realizing just how strongly I agree with the concept that “I KNOW NOTHING” about reality and any attempt to understand is just holding me back from experiencing reality on a deeper level. While sometimes this process can be scary, it can also be very liberating as well. Overall I wouldn’t go back and trade that experience for something more blissful as I feel a part of me died during those dark times. I just wonder what else is down in the depths of my mind that is going to resurface. I no longer am in this for relaxation or to make life easier, but to cleanse my mind.