So I realized what's actually been fucking bothering me all afternoon/evening.

I have never had it so thoroughly rubbed in my face that someone could do whatever they wanted to me before.

And that’s really fucking disconcerting.

I’m not a large person. I don’t really know all that much about self defense, except for the very basics, and even then, I don’t like hurting people. Even if I’m being threatened. Especially in situations in which it would be just about useless anyway, and having someone hint that they could easily take advantage of me mentally and physically is something that I resent with every fiber of my being.

That I cave in easily bothers me. Normally I don’t think about it; my inability to say “no” if someone presses. It matters a little about what exactly it is, certain things I’ll laugh because they’re simply not feasible, but if it’s possible and someone’s determined, they could get me to do quite a few different things, as long as I don’t realize on a conscious level that I’m being manipulated. That might be a lie, it’s possible that there are certain things that I just won’t do, no matter how possible they are, but when a threat is added, especially one of pain, I will most likely cave. A resentful cave, but a cave all the same, and that really, really bothers me.

I like having control. I like knowing what I’m doing, how to avoid the things I don’t want to happen, and how to get the things that I want to happen to do so. I like knowing people well enough that if I really want out of something, it’s simple, and there’re no hard feelings or whatever. This person, however, could take that entirely out of my hands because they are stronger than me physically, and know how to press mentally. I think that at a certain point, it would turn into a flat out “no, cut this shit out,” but it might depend on exactly how they go about it,and I can’t know for sure.That bothers the fuck out of me because I REALLY don’t like to be manipulated, in any way.

Especially because the way I sometimes go about making sure certain things don’t happen with people that are capable of physically overpowering me is being passive about it. If someone’s looking for a reaction, they’ll generally stop doing whatever it is to spark this reaction if you’re not giving it to them. The problem is when you can’t be assured that it’ll work that way. It’s one of the rules that I really, really rely on. Earlier today, they leaned up against my legs. It was clearly a test of my boundaries, because that’s part of what this person does. It made it so A: if they wanted to, they could easily prevent me from leaving, and B: I would practically need their permission to get up, or else it would be more difficult for me to get up. I didn’t make any move to prevent this from happening, nor did I do anything to make it stop until I was ready to get up. They poked my thigh, and rather close to though not really my crotch, and I still said nothing.

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME?!

That should have been like, “ok, distance. Distance distance distance I do not want to be any closer to this person that I have to be.” Instead it was like, “eh, I don’t really care.” Externally, anyway. Internally it was sort of like, “there’s something wrong with this, I don’t know EXACTLY what, but it’s time for me to leave now.”

Which is, I guess, the correct way to handle it, because, as I said, you really show that something bothers you, and it’s even harder to get them to stop. But still,I should have realized on a conscious level exactly what was going on.

That situation, if it had gone wrong, would have been completely out of my control. There would have been next to nothing that I could have done, and it would have been extremely damaging to me, but yet, I allowed it to get like that. I don’t mean to say that it would have been my fault had it gotten there, because despite what they said about stopping if someone said stop at any point up to it being the “point of no return,” I’m a motherfucking minor, and they were obviously manipulating me, and me not saying anything isn’t consent. There would have been feelings like it had been my fault probably initially, but I’m pretty quick to generally realize when something is taken out of my hands, no matter what anyone says, even if I can’t express it out loud.

I don’t know. Maybe I was just lucky that they hadn’t been a worse person, but I still feel like there was something that I could have done to prevent that from getting as dangerous as it was. There was even talk about how if I weren’t so intelligent, they would probably try to seduce me, and if that didn’t work, possibly use force. I replied that it wouldn’t be fun because I would make it as boring as possible, to which they replied that it would still be fun to watch me break. If that doesn’t scream that this person, and people like them, are people to avoid, I don’t know what does. I feel so stupid for not picking up on it earlier, but at least I have now, and maybe I won’t be so fucking daft in the future.