A New Outlook

   Before I begin, I’d like to ask a simple question. What is it that defines you? Better yet, what is it that dictates your happiness? Do you wake up every morning believing wholeheartedly that you are living life the way you envisioned? If you are one of those people who sits back from time to time and questions whether you are truly on the correct path, then I encourage you to hear my story and follow me throughout my journey.

    My entire life I have been driven by the need to succeed. I have literally invested my whole being in one goal; to be rich. I suppose this stems from my upbringing. My childhood was difficult as my parents were divorced, young, and struggling to support themselves, let alone a child. Even today I see how hard my parents have to struggle just to live comfortable lives. And so, from a very young age, I made a promise to myself that I would be so successful that money would never even cross my mind.

   Growing up, things came easily to me. I never had to try hard to get good grades, I was handsome, I always had friends…I was loved. People have always told me that I am going to do big things with my life, that I just have that “it” factor. These things have both come as a blessing and a curse. When I was about 12 years old I made a promise.  I would not subject my children to the hardships I was faced to overcome as an adolescent. Although this goal of monetary stability is one shared amongst many of us, my perception of wealth and success became noticeably unrealistic as I matured. Dreams of owning a nice home and a happy family turned into the necessity of living a lavish lifestyle complete with multiple extravagant homes, nice vehicles, and yearly vacations.  The pressure to succeed had blinded me from the realities of life.

   Throughout middle school until the end of my freshman year of high school I was on top of the world. I was a sports star, had decent grades, amazing friends, and a beautiful girlfriend. I felt untouchable. These goals I set for myself, they were all easily attainable in my mind. Nothing was going to stop me and nothing could. Then came my sophomore year.

   I began to notice a change in my body 5 years ago during the summer before my sophomore year of high school. Severe acne started to cultivate on my once spotless face and my face was noticeably rounder and shiny. My family and I attributed my acne to being a typical teenager and the round face was surely a result of me putting on weight to play varsity football (so we thought). After a bout with Acutane the majority of my acne went away but my face shape remained the same and I was also starting to develop a significant amount of body hair. This troubled me because none of my family members are very hairy, but I figured that maybe it was my Italian genes kicking in. After about a year I really began to fear that something was wrong with me. My face had literally tripled in size and I could never lose weight. At times I would spend up to 3 hours in the gym and eat perfectly with no results to show for it. Around this time I was also beginning to experience chronic anxiety that coincided with sleep deprivation and mental instability. For some reason I could always find something to attribute all of these things to. “I’m probably not sleeping because I’m so stressed out, which is also causing my acne and mental instability.”For four more years I would wake up every morning and wonder who the person starting at me in the mirror was. It certainly wasn’t Josh Blevins. My symptoms were getting worse; I was losing my identity. Why, how had my body and mind transformed so much in such little time? It’s hard to explain the feeling of knowing that something is wrong with you and not having a suitable answer to your problems. People called me crazy for the longest time because they were convinced nothing was out of the ordinary.

    Fast forward to August 4th 2012. By this time my face had become so swelled that I was going in to have facial liposuction and buccal fat removal surgery performed. My face had gotten so big that this was the only solution. I remember feeling so happy that morning, finally my face would look the way it should! After having the procedure done (by far the most physically painful experience of my life, and I have my entire left ribcage and hip tattooed) the doctor sat me up and put me into a wheelchair. As I was rolling out of his office he said, “Hey Josh one more thing. I want you to go get some blood work done and get tested for an extremely rare disease called Cushing’s syndrome. It could be nothing but you seem to have some of the typical symptoms. Go get that done and let me know what happens.” After weeks of extensive testing, I was indeed diagnosed with Cushing’s syndrome.

   For those of you who don’t know what Cushing’s syndrome is I will attempt to explain. Cushing’s syndrome is a disease that affects one’s endocrine system by producing an overabundance of a hormone known as cortisol. Cortisol is released into the body in order to regulate stress levels, however, if too much is being produced it can cause a variety of health problems. These include: a condition known as “moonface”, insomnia, severe depression, mental instability, excess body hair, acne, excess upper body weight, high blood pressure, and yes, even death. Cushing’s is often undiagnosed as it’s symptoms are typically treated individually and quite honestly, testing for Cushing’s is a long process doctors tend to avoid. The overproduction of cortisol is usually found in one of two places. Either a tumor forms on the pituitary gland of the brain’s frontal lobe or a tumor forms on the adrenal glands. For me, a tumor has formed on the pituitary gland and has been the cause of all of these previously unexplainable changes in my body. Learning about this has come both as a shock and a relief. I would be lying if I said that I am not terrified that I have a potentially life-threatening tumor in my brain. I am relieved, however, that this condition is treatable and if I can be treated properly, I will look, think, and feel the way I knew I was supposed to for the last five years of my life.

  We have all heard the stories of people experiencing “spiritual awakenings” or having sudden, life-changing, epiphanies. I can remember sitting in church as a kid, surrounded by people that were being brought to tears and wondering what they were feeling and why I wasn’t feeling the same thing. I have always been a firm believer in God but, to be honest, the supernatural aspect of my faith has never been something I truly gave much thought. Yes, people would proclaim miracles, and I certainly have been blessed throughout the years, but I never really believed in the miracles we read about in the Bible or the countless “convict turned Christian” testimonies that are reiterated in churches throughout America. For the majority of my life I proclaimed to be a Christian, however, led a lifestyle that continuously placed my wishes, my desires, before my faith. Throughout high school I engaged myself in activities most Christians would consider to be disgraceful. I will be the first to admit that I have done some things that most followers of God would be ashamed of. But I did not come here to tell you about my faith, rather what caused me to take on a new perspective of my faith and my life in general.

   After learning that I have Cushing’s disease I have truly been taken back. A new perspective on life has been introduced to me. Although the drive to succeed and make money is still present, I have discovered a more important aspect of life…happiness. I have come to realize that we must enjoy life and embrace each day as a blessing. Surrounding myself with positivity, friends, and genuinely happy people has become my new focus. I used to laugh at people who would say “find what makes you happy”, but honestly I see the validity behind that statement now. I seek out God more than ever before and truly believe that my relationship with him has strengthened my will. I also have vowed to eat healthily and do everything I can to fight this disease. For so long I was caught up in what the world told me I should look like or how I should act or even what I should be interested in. Now I realize that life is too short to be focused on what others perceive as correct. We must enjoy life. Never sacrifice your happiness, health, or well being for a dollar bill or an approval.

   This brings me to why I have started this blog. I plan on documenting every step of my battle with Cushing’s syndrome. From my current state, to surgery, to recovery and beyond, I plan on sharing my story with all of you as I embark on this journey. My hope is to inform and inspire. Too few people know about this disease but, more importantly, too few people are living life for what it should be. Please join me on my journey. I hope to share all of the emotions and memories of this transition to a new lifestyle with all who care to listen.