I'm Moving to the Country Gonna Eat a Lotta Peaches
As Manhattanites (one native, one…sort of), we’ve learned that there are many things that one just cannot do in this city, (despite the countless number of ridiculous things one can ONLY do in this city). So, for your pleasure of course, we’ve compiled a list.
1. Cow Tipping
I’m not exactly sure what this entails. I mean, aside from literally knocking a cow over. But I imagine that there is a whole convoluted process. Find an open field, check. Find cows, check.
Not sure what to do over the weekend? Two words: cow tipping.
I have spent many a summer in Monticello, NY. It’s greatest asset? Wal-Mart. If you ever find yourself in Monticello on a summer night, tired and beaten from a long day taming children (I should clarify at this point that I was a camp counselor), there is no better night out than at Wal-Mart. People of all kinds, ALL KINDS, gather at this local watering hole, i.e. people without teeth, people who cannot fit into their clothes, Hasidic Jews.
Need a new wardrobe or a gun? Get it here, ON SALE!
3. Chopping wood
Fuck Bikram Yoga! The best exercise is using your hands, your body and your raw strength. Besides, you pay your trainer $200 a week to make you sore and miserable, why not pick up an axe, go outside and get the same sort of workout for free.
4. Having Farm Fresh Eggs for Breakfast
“City Folk” love the IDEA of farm fresh eggs. They think, “Instead of that cage free organic shit, it’s all about that raw shit.” It’s all good in the hood or on the farm until you realize that “farm fresh” means straight out of the chicken. Your soon to be breakfast is covered with feathers and most likely blood. It’s then you realize that you are about to eat a glorified chicken abortion.
5. Roasting a Pig
No way in hell would PETA approve of this but there is something appealing about the idea of standing around a fire, watching a pig spin in slow motion. We evolved from cavemen after all.
You’ve seen the commercials and you’ve seen the pictures of the triple cheeseburgers paired with a thou cal reeses/oreo milkshake. It looks like heaven on Earth. After a few combo meals from there, your next stop will be Wal-Mart so that you can purchase a pair of elastic waist pants, aka “jeggings.”
The kids from MTV’s Laguna Beach literally had bonfires and beers every night. Must Be Nice.
8. Climbing a Tree
Something that one could probably attempt in Central Park. Just watch out for park rangers, they probably fine you for that sort of activity.
9. Raving in Random Fields
Do people actually rave in random fields? No clue but glowsticks are awesome.
-Sara & Claire