How To Know When To Say “I Love You”
Saying “I Love You” for the first time is scary. Who says it first? What’s the right way to say it? Here are 10 ways to know that you’re ready to say those three little words:
1. You’re confident in their feelings. You might not know if they’re ready to say it back to you, but you should have a good idea of how they feel about you. If it’s right, you should have already heard them tell you how much they like you, how they love spending time with you, etc. If they’ve never expressed any of their feelings then telling them you love them might not be a good place to start.
2. You think it all the time. If you say it in your head all the time, or are constantly working at not letting it slip out, then you should probably just come out and say it already!
3. You feel that you have a real connection. This is something above and beyond just really liking each other or having fun together. When you really love someone there is a deep connection that you can’t quite explain but is very different from just liking them a lot. You’ll know it when you feel it.
10 Commandments for a Good Life
1. I accept that I’m not perfect, and there’s no perfect time – Too many people are hanging around and waiting for the perfect opportunity – or the time when they are perfect and have all the skills they need. But life rewards effort; so get out there and work hard … and eventually you’ll find that you succeed and reach your goals.
2. I can’t please everyone no matter how hard I try – No matter what you do or how hard you try there will always be someone who’s disgruntled or upset. So, don’t look for affirmation; just do what you think’s right.
3. I will participate in something I believe in – It doesn’t really matter what activity you choose, as long as it is something that ignites your passion … as this will bring fulfilment and true meaning to your life.
4. I will learn to prioritise and do what matters first – We all get distracted by what seems to be most urgent … or something that is fun and makes life less of a burden. But if you’re going to succeed you need to set priorities. Don’t allow what’s less important to distract you from your course.
5. I will be select when it comes to choosing friends – We’re influenced and shaped by the people we spend time with. Their impact is profound – even though this is subconscious. So be wise in who you choose to be your confidantes and friends. Surround yourself with people who inspire and motivate you.
6. I will be there for others, and will help them if I can – In life, we reap what we sow – and that’s a crucial principle. That means the more that you help others, the more they will help you.
7. I will choose to focus on the positives – Our thoughts affect our feelings and the ways that we behave. If you don’t expect success then it’s likely you will fail – in your work, relationships and life in general. So listen to your self talk … and straighten out your thinking … and start to focus on the positives!
8. I will true to myself – You can’t be happy living someone else’s life. You need to discover and develop your own authentic self.That’s when you’re truly beautiful, and life feels meaningful.
9. I will live in the present and enjoy the “now” – The past is gone and the future isn’t promised. Life is happening in this moment, so cease the day and enjoy “now”.
10. I will look for the good and be thankful for each day – Life is full of gifts, if we will only stop and notice. If we choose to be thankful, and treasure all life’s gifts, then we’ll find our lives are filled with joy and happiness – and the hurts and disappointments won’t weigh us down as much.
How to Deal with Different Types of Roommates
Roommates can be divided into the following types:
1. The thoughtless roommates: This is the person who leaves their stuff scattered around the room and never cleans or tidies up after themselves. First, remember that he or she is not deliberately trying to annoy you. However, you need to discuss this or nothing will change. When you do that, don’t come across as being angry and accusatory. Instead, stay casual, warm and friendly. Also, ask if there’s anything you can do to make life easier for them.
2. The “borrower”: This is the person who takes your stuff, and treats your belongings as if they’re also theirs. This can range from something small like a few slices of bread to something more important like your clothes or bike. Clearly, this is NOT OK and needs an open discussion so that everyone is clear as to what the boundaries are.
3. The explosive flatmate: Often, this type of person seems calm and tolerant – then suddenly blows up over fairly minor things. Yet, we come from different backgrounds – and each person is unique – so different stuff annoys us or becomes an irritant. Here, a frank honest, discussion will often do the trick so that tension doesn’t build, and spoil a good relationship.
4. The irresponsible flatmate: This individual is unreliable and doesn’t seem to care about the impact of their actions. For example, they break stuff and just leave it, or forget to pay the bills … They never see it as their problem, and they just don’t seem to care. This person needs confronting in a firm, respectful way. And if things stay the same – don’t ever share with them again!
5. The ghost roommate: This is the person who is rarely around. They often have a busy life or else they travel with their job. They’re rarely problematic – so be glad that they’re so easy – and enjoy your time together when they happen to be there.
Why do we Procrastinate?
Procrastination is a problem for most people – and for some individuals it becomes a way of life. We tend to put things off until we’re backed into a corner, and we’re staring at a deadline, and feeling super stressed. So what are the reasons for procrastinating?
1. Poor work habits. There are some who procrastinate on everything. They are always way behind and never schedule anything. They say they work well under pressure – but they are bad organizers who wait to the last minute before starting on a task. For them it’s only important when it’s due RIGHT NOW.
2. Feeling overwhelmed. When we don’t know where to start, and we don’t know what to do, it’s tempting to do nothing – as that’s so much easier! Also, sometimes work piles up, and we feel it’s all too much. So procrastinating here is a quick form of relief.
3. Aiming for perfection. There are some individuals who are sticklers for details. They can’t miss a thing and all their work has to be perfect. They’re under so much pressure to achieve an ideal standard that it takes them forever to complete a simple task.
4. Wanting to do something else instead. We all have projects that we just don’t want to do. It may be writing a report, or filing in a “stupid” form. We’re avoiding what’s unpleasant as it’s really not much fun. But delaying getting started won’t make it disappear.
Some advice for those who tend to be procrastinators …
• Acknowledge what you are doing; don’t pretend it’s not a problem
• Tell yourself that you don’t have to do it all at once. Make a start on something – that will help to change your feelings.
• Make your focus “getting started”, instead of finishing.
• Break those large assignments down and make a start on something small.
• Don’t beat yourself up. It’s a very common problem. You’re not the only one, and you can change your behaviour!
Getting a Therapist - a brief step-by-step
Sorting It Out
When you start your search, keep an open mind. A therapist does not need decades of experience — or a sheepskin from an ivy-league school — to be helpful.
It used to be that a psychiatrist was considered most qualified because he or she had more education, but that’s not true anymore. Some psychiatrists got their licenses 25 years ago and haven’t kept up. Many psychiatrists who are trained today just handle medications. You can have a primary care doctor do that — it’s not like psychiatrists are indispensable!
Credentials aren’t everything. Even people with great credentials aren’t necessarily great therapists. They may be smart, but that doesn’t mean they have good common sense.
Where to Start?
[NOTE: depending on where you live, you may need a doctor’s referral to see a therapist/counselor]
Don’t start with three names from your managed care company.
- Avrum Geurin Weiss, PhD, author of the book, Experiential Psychotherapy: A Symphony of Selves.
Very likely, you don’t have the company’s entire list of providers. “Insist on getting the whole provider list. Then ask friends and colleagues if they know a psychologist or psychiatrist who could make recommendations from that list.”
Weiss gets plenty of calls from people who say, “I have Aetna insurance. I know you’re not an Aetna provider, but can you look at my list?”
“They fax it to me, and I make recommendations. I do it all the time,” he says.
- Call a university psychiatry or psychology department and ask recommendations of people trained in that program. “At least that way you know they’re under scrutiny,” says Turner.
- If you’re moving to a new city, ask your current therapist for referrals, or have him check with colleagues.
- Call a large clinic; ask the receptionist for recommendations. “They know who specializes in what,” Baker tells WebMD. “They can match you up pretty well.”
- Check with friends and family.
- Check on Psychology Today’s therapy directory [Canada and the United States]
- Check at a local crisis center or women’s shelter for resources.
If you’re embarrassed about asking for help, get over it. Get past the stigma. The outcome’s too important.
Also, check with professional associations to learn about a therapist’s expertise — whether they provide psychotherapy, if they treat children, etc. The American Psychological Association and the American Psychiatric Association both provide such lists for people wanting to find a therapist.
The First Appointment
Ask questions: How long has the therapist been in practice? How many patients have had your problem? What were the results? Ask about policies, fees, payment. But don’t bargain hunt for mental health care.
You find a therapist in the same way you choose any health care professional. They must be professional, credentialed, and competent, with no lawsuits against them. And they must be an intuitive fit — you can’t underestimate the absolute value of feeling a good intuitive match with somebody. Also, if you ask them questions about themselves, and they get defensive, go somewhere else.
If you and your therapist are not a good fit and do not “connect”, do not hesitate to find a new therapist and continue looking for new therapists until you find the right one. Any therapist worth their degree/certificates will understand.
Another important point: Has your therapist been in therapy? They have to have resolved their own issues, or they will steer you away from things they are not comfortable with. They may also bring their own issues into your therapy.
- Do I feel reasonably OK with this person? “Feeling totally comfortable isn’t the best criteria, because if you’re too comfortable, you’re just chit chatting, and that doesn’t help you,” says Baker.
- Is the therapist really listening to me? Is he or she asking enough questions? Especially in the first sessions, the therapist should be asking many questions, to become acquainted with you and the issues you are dealing with.
- Has the therapist asked what outcome you want from therapy — how you want your life to be? How will you know when you get there, if neither the patient nor the therapist has established a goal?
- Do you feel satisfied with the therapist’s resources? For example, do you have to find your own therapy group? Or is your therapist checking with colleagues about a group appropriate for you?
- Does what the therapist say make sense? Does it seem like bad advice? Does it help you or not?
Baker says patients don’t always like his suggestions — yet he knows from intuition and experience that its good advice.
Example: Your husband uses profanity constantly when talking to you; you want him to quit. Baker suggests that you mirror your husband’s behavior — you use profanity the next time he does — a technique he knows will work. “People are always resistant to that, they don’t want to ‘sink that low,’ but then they’re amazed at how well it works,” Baker says. “It’s not that you should take up bad habits, but that he stop his.”
It’s tough finding a good child psychotherapist. Not many people have much experience working with adolescents. You can end up with a therapist trained to work with adults, but they work with adolescents because they have an adolescent or because they like working with adolescents.
A pediatrician can often make a referrals.
“I warn people about school counselors making referrals; they are overwhelmed and busy, don’t follow up to see if good work is happening.” - Weiss
Also, check with other parents. “I recommend that parents identify two or three therapists that they find acceptable, then let your kid pick from among them. That’s so they have a voice in this,” Weiss advises.
Eugenio Rothe, MD, professor of psychiatry at the University of Miami and director of the Child and Adolescent Psychiatry Clinic at Jackson Memorial Hospital, offered his insights.
Pediatricians and professional counselors should not be treating a child for attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), he tells WebMD. “More than 75% of children with ADHD are treated by a pediatrician or primary care doctor. But studies show that 40% to 60% of those children have another psychiatric diagnosis. How can a pediatrician [or counselor] diagnose that?”
“Professional honesty is very important — referring patients to other professionals when you’re not trained to handle the problem,” says Rothe. “Many psychologists feel very threatened by psychiatrists, that they will lose the patient if they make a referral. But they’re doing a disservice by not getting patients get the help they need.”
Psychiatrists understand both the body and the brain, and that’s a critical difference, he explains. “Depression may begin with a situational problem in your life, but that event causes chemical changes in your brain. Once those chemical changes are established, you have a chemical imbalance. If you treat depression as something abstract, you won’t get to the fact that it’s a chemical imbalance that needs be treated.”
He retells one landmark court case: A man with what’s known as “agitated depression” wore out three pairs shoes from pacing for more than six months in a mental health facility. Talk therapy was not helping, so he signed himself out, went to a psychiatrist, got medications, and got completely better in six weeks.
“He sued the hospital, said he hadn’t received appropriate treatment, and he won,” says Rothe.
The lesson for therapists: You are making a patient suffer unnecessarily if you don’t treat the depression effectively — or if you don’t help them find a therapist who can.
Don't expose your happiness in a glass case
Don’t expose your happiness in a glass case. Why? There are a lot of people looking and I promise you, one of them is ready to throw a stone. Why are people like that? Why is there always one person that always want to ruin your day? In relationships, it’s the same.
is it wierd that I know what I want to write my dissertation on?
I’ve found a book on counselling survivors of interpersonal trauma (sexual and physical abuse) and I want to write about how ethical it is to counsell people that have been through abuse and of it always necessarily helps. I think haha ive got a year and a half to go yet but I want it to be something I feel strong enough about to write the 10000 words on!
Self- Stimulatory behaviour (stimming)
Stereotypy, or self-stimulatory behaviour, refers to repetitive body movements or repetitive movement of objects. This behaviour is common in many individuals with developmental disabilities; particularly with autism and anxiety. Stereotypy can involve any one or all senses. We have listed the five major senses and some examples of stereotypy.
SENSE STEREOTYPIC BEHAVIOURS
- Visual- staring at lights, repetitive blinking, moving fingers in front of the eyes, hand-flapping
- Auditory- tapping ears, snapping fingers, making vocal sounds
- Tactile- rubbing the skin with one’s hands or with another object, scratching
- Vestibular (sense of balance)- rocking front to back, rocking side-to-side
- Taste- placing body parts or objects in one’s mouth, licking objects
- Smell- smelling objects, sniffing people.
Stimming can also take the form of figiting, shaking or jerking.
WHY DOES STIMMING, OR SELF-STIMULATION HAPPEN?
Researchers have suggested various reasons for why a person may engage in stereotypic behaviours. One set of theories suggests that these behaviours provide the person with sensory stimulation (i.e., the person’s sense is hyposensitive). Due to some dysfunctional system in the brain or periphery, the body craves stimulation; and thus, the person engages in these behaviours to excite or arouse the nervous system. One specific theory states that these behaviours release beta-endorphins in the body (endogeneous opiate-like substances) and provides the person with some form of internal pleasure.
Another set of theories states that these behaviours are exhibited to calm a person (i.e., the person’s sense is hypersensitive). That is, the environment is too stimulating and the person is in a state of sensory-overload. As a result, the individual engages in these behaviours to block-out the over-stimulating environment; and his/her attention becomes focused inwardly.
Researchers have also shown that stereotypic behaviours interfere with attention and learning. Interestingly, these behaviours are often effective positive reinforcer’s if a person is allowed to engage in these behaviours after completing a task.
INTERVENTION FOR STIMMING, OR SELF-STIMULATION
There are numerous ways to reduce or eliminate stereotypic behaviours, such as exercise as well as providing an individual with alternative, more socially-appropriate, forms of stimulation (e.g., chewing on a rubber tube rather than biting one’s arm). Drugs are also used to reduce these behaviours; however, it is not clear whether the drugs actually reduce the behaviours directly (e.g., providing internal arousal) or indirectly (e.g., slowing down one’s overall motor movement).
“I just didn't want to be fixed. Whatever my real problems might be, I didn't want them cured. None of the little secrets inside of me wanted to be found and explained away. By myths. By my childhood. By chemistry. My fear was, what would be left? so none of my real grudges and dreads ever came out into the light of day. I didn't want to resolve any angst. I'd never talk about my dead family. express my grief, she called it. Resolve it. leave it behind.”—Chuck Palahniuk
Harsh Parenting in Relation to Child Emotion Regulation and Aggression
Previous emotion researchers have analysed the effect of affect communication in the family on the child’s social behaviour in and outside of the family. Their results suggest that children transfer negative emotional response strategies they have acquired from parental punitive emotions to other contexts, resulting in incompetent social behaviours.
Viewed from the emotion regulation literature, the findings from a study conducted by the national institute of health, provides additional empirical evidence supporting parental socialization of negative emotions and children’s transfer of emotional incompetence. From the perspective of harsh parenting research, our findings further clarify the paths through which harsh parenting channels its negative effects to children. Bridging these two corpuses of literature, the work from the national institution of health (NHI), provides a new perspective on harsh parenting.
In addition to the view of harsh parenting as a form of behaviour, harsh parenting can also be viewed as a form of affect communication. Its effect on children occurs both directly through behavioural and indirectly via emotion dysregulation. This perspective on harsh parenting is especially relevant when viewed within the widely adopted family systems and child emotional security systems approaches.
Conceptualized within these frameworks, the present findings suggest a broader implication—that underlying each behavioural perturbation is the undercurrent of emotional malfunctioning that may spill over into different marital, parental, and child systems. In terms of harsh parenting per se, this view is consistent with the common experience that when a parent hits or scolds a child, the parent communicates anger. The expression of anger, coldness, or hatred that accompanies the physical act of parental aggression could well be more detrimental than the act of aggression itself.
Several practical implications can be derived from the findings from the study conducted by the NHI, on the emotional channel by which harsh parenting affects children. On the basis of these findings, intervention efforts with high-risk children may be more effectively organized to focus, either directly or indirectly through work with parenting, on children’s emotion regulation.
These findings also have implications for family policy and parenting practice. Traditionally, advocates for good parenting have aimed to change parents’ behaviour, for example, banning spanking. More work may be needed to deal with parents’ negative emotions such as controlling anger. Our findings also inform the public policy debate regarding the right of parents to hit their children. The argument in favour of that right rests largely on the assumption that a child who is hit mildly is not being harmed in a lasting manner.
The present findings suggest that parental harshness, even if it does not meet a criterion of physical maltreatment, may have an impact on a child’s ability to regulate emotion. This kind of impact may strengthen arguments against the use of even mild physical discipline especially when it is accompanied by negative emotions.
I am looking for local courses in counselling and the like as I want to eventually become a psychologist, or at least work somewhere in that field.
I have wanted to do this for quite some time, but I wasn’t well enough before.
Now I have been working for 6 months I think I am ready for a part time course to get me going.
I originally wanted to a am Open University course, but as I am now earning a wage I am not entitled to as much help with my course fees. So I have had to have a rethink.
I’m currently looking at evening courses in either Hereford or Worcester.
I’ve found a couple.
There is something called the Learner Support Fund. So, I am hoping they can help me out with course fees.