Citizen Jay, change and the real world.
If you have not noticed, I recently have begun to lose myself in the world of tumblr. Reblogging quotes, music, and other what nots, neglecting to create my own work. So, today I thought it would be a great time to write something. So I am.
Over a little over a month ago the University of New South Wales bid farewell to it’s first batch of BMedia students, many of which were part of my social circles. Whilst this is a remarkable step into the quest of adulthood, it seems as if I once again have been left behind. While they are thrown into the deepest end of every students dream, ‘the real world’, it seems I am here yet again simply welcoming another summer. My sadness comes as I am unable to part take in the next step of my close friends lives, to part take in the fear that comes with stepping into the big bad world. My fear is that I may have to go through it alone, with everyone moving forward.
“What exactly makes it real?”
Well it’s simple, after being institutionalised in the Australian school system, taking shelter and receiving all the benefits that come with being a ‘full-time student’; we are left to face reality. We no longer are learning or in a state of not knowing, we are now ‘fully functional’ cogs in society, working full-time jobs (or at least trying to find them), actually paying substantial amounts of tax, and last but not least, relinquishing our rights to our concession discounts.
It is a time where we realise that realistically we are alone to face the world, we may have partners and friends but many of which, won’t actually understand the situations you put forward, because they simply are different beings. It’s scary just thinking about it, growing old and becoming serious, being that one-step closer to death but one-step closer to living your own life.
It’s when there no longer are ‘required readings’, ‘set plans’ or ‘student counselors’. It’s opening the door and stepping into the abyss, accepting what happens and taking the next step. The problem is the next step involves a fair few failures and a whole lot of mistakes, mistakes that I am afraid to make because I’ve been programmed as such to fear failure and the prospects of it.
Change is hard to overcome because you’ve invested so much only to watch it all slip out of your hands. Maybe it’s why I’d prefer a nomadic lifestyle, meet people and create connections then ultimately be the one to leave before they leave me be the force of change rather than the subject. (This is screaming with a whole bunch of insane complexes).
This side of me I know exists because there are things about myself that I cannot currently reconcile, things that I cannot grasp and understand. There are things I know and things I do not but these are things that I need to explore. I’ve always been a slow learner and now I guess this too applies to the way I live my life. It’s like I see Narnia but I am, not afraid, but skeptical of coming out and telling people it’s existence because it makes no sense in my head, but it really does.
There’s an image burned into my head that strikes me particularly at times like this. It’s not more an image but a scene that plays vividly in my head. It is I saying goodbye to a friend after finishing something, a time when we must part ways. We promise to see each other again, and we wish each other luck, health and prosperity vowing to see each other and be part of each others life, however small.
But the truth of the matter is as they pull away from the curb and you say “I’ll see you soon” they throw reality at you, the truth and yell back “No you wont”. Inside you understand that it’s the truth but refuse to believe it, it crushes you but you accept it because it is a universal law.
Right now all I have are questions, doubts and fears that I know will all be resolved in the near future but for now it seems like there are no answers so it’s just time for me to move right on along.
I’ve never been much for goodbyes but they’re the moments in life I will never forget.
Whenever I feel like this I know it’s time to watch Scrubs.
This song leaves a bittersweet taste in your aural cavities, you feel the sadness but you feel the optimism and happiness that comes from memories. I guess it’s why I’m posting it, because though I may be forgetful and may get dementia, in the back of my mind I will always remember the greatest and the worst of times. I have the battle scars that come with change, as I myself am the testimony of change. I think at this point it’s time to reconcile or reconnect with someone that meant something to you all those years ago … I know I will.
Citizen Jay being optimistic (for once)
I’ve spent the last hour attempting to piece together something that resembles a blogpost, and within that hour I’ve managed to produce work that desreved to be shot into a digital waste basket (paper toss). From sad mind dribble that outlined my first world problems in a sad attempt to steal your empathy and show you that I am a person, a real person with feelings and such to a overly optimistic post about how I’m alright and how seizing the day isn’t as easy as itsound but in the vast world that is the interwebs I know I’ll get lost in the metadata, filed away but I don’t care because I don’t owe you a flying fuck and I know that you won’t really care either, it’s okay.
I guess it’s mainly my inability to progress and initiate positive changes, for myself, by myself that turns me into a pile of mush. It’s not that I’m a gimp but it’s how I function, to be overly critical, to think things through too many times and then to inevitably go against what my critical thinking has come to have told me. Lets just say after 2 hours of deliberating whether or not I should have chocolate or vanilla I eventually get to the ice cream man and grab mango because I can. It’s my downfall, be inspired and have the ideas but be stuck to actually initiate my crazy plans and let the crazy loose simply because I’m lazy. I lack motivation, and although I know I have direction, it feels as if I’m going in circles because unlike Icarus I’m not bold enough to fly towards the sun, too afraid to take the step and chance because I’m too afraid to burn my wings, or at least have the slight possibility I will get burnt.
Maybe I really need to just take the step get to the top and see what all the fuss really is about. I mean idly sitting here does me no justice, it simply creates more problems, problems that I’ve managed to conjure in my over active mind. For me it’s the season for change, I may be 21, I may be young but I know what I want and I should reach for it before somebody else does. I’ll be leaving the comfort of the bigger pond and slowly moving to an ocean.
I guess that’s my next step because sometimes getting burnt, thrown into the deep end and seeing what’s actually up there can bring more good than harm. They’re right when3 they say that the our only obstacles are ourselves but I think it’s more so our minds that can block us from where we want to be.
I’m happy to say that I ran 4.8kms in 40 minutes, hopefully this time this will stick and I’m determined to do so, so MOTHER FUCKERS WATCH OUT!
Yeah, I inserted my feel good song because the film clip is very appropriate. I couldn’t insert it like The Antlers- Staircase to the attic but I really love Belle and Sebastian’s upbeat and unique sound particularly its dry metal strings mixed with it’s honest narrative account. The juxtaposition of the two just gives me some bittersweet tingles through my body, it makes me just want to kick back despite the horrid times ahead. Enjoy it because I do!
Citizen Jay and Fiona Apple
In an attempt to abstract myself form the stresses of uni, work, and my very small personal life; I have started to get more and more into the work of Fiona Apple. I previously enjoyed her work but now as a vexed 20 year old, I feel like her songs provide a sense of shelter from the harsh reality that I now have to deal with.
It is soothing to hear an individual master her woes into an amazing lyrical and aural performance. Like poetry it is creative and tactful with only the slightest hints of false hope or blind optimism. A personal favourite of mine is Paper Bag
Hunger hurts, and I want him so bad, oh it kills
‘Cause I know I’m a mess he don’t wanna clean up
I got to fold ‘cause these hands are too shaky to hold
Hunger hurts, but starving works, when it costs too much to love
I guess what attracts me is the tattered nature of the song, and like I said before a sense of the faintest blind optimism that seems to add to the authenticity to the song, well for me anyway. To add to that it feels like ‘a coming of age’ song, particularly when coupled with Bob Dylans ‘Like a Rainbow’, where I’m forced to face the realities of becoming an adult.
Once upon a time you dressed so fine
You threw the bums a dime in your prime, didn’t you ?
People’d call, say, “Beware doll, you’re bound to fall”
You thought they were all kiddin’ you
You used to laugh about
Everybody that was hangin’ out
Now you don’t talk so loud
Now you don’t seem so proud
About having to be scrounging for your next meal.
While I sound like a little bit of a whinger, I feel that this is more of an educational realisation, rather than a license to whinge. As I long to move away from the comforts of home for a rugged experience, in the school of life. I have experienced some of the woes that comes with reality, from debt, car ownership, to my current project, moving away from the comforts of home and attempting to search for a job that challenges the skills inherited from three years of studying Journalism.
The best thing about this blog is that it is about nothing and yet I’ve got something out of it. Also, I have managed to avoid doing some work, uni, and inevitably catch ip on my television shows; Pushing Daisies, Being Erica, Billable Hours, and my personal favourite Ugly Americans.
It’s time to finish some course notes so I’ll be catching you all later
