“Imagine you’re at a party. A guy offers you a drink. You say no. He says “Come on, one drink!” You say “no thanks.” Later, he brings you a soda. “I know you said you didn’t want a drink, but I was getting one for myself and you looked thirsty.” For you to refuse at this point makes you the asshole. He’s just being nice, right? Predators use the social contract and our own good hearts and fear of being rude against us. If you drink the drink, you’re teaching him that it just takes a little persistence on his part to overcome your “no.” If you say “Really, I appreciate it, but no thanks” and put the drink down and walk away from it, you’re the one who looks rude in that moment. But the fact is, you didn’t ask for the drink and you don’t want the drink and you don’t have to drink it just to make some guy feel validated.”
—The art of “no,” continued: Saying no when you’ve already said yes. « CaptainAwkward.com
I love this post SO MUCH.
“There’s a poisonous double standard in our society which says that it’s reverse-sexist and wrong for women to feel threatened by creepy-awkward male behaviour because our fear implies that we hold the negative, stereotypical view that All Men Are Predators, but that if we’re raped or sexually assaulted by any man with whom we’ve had prior social interaction – and particularly if he’s expressed some sexual or romantic interest in us during that time – it’s reasonable for observers to ask what precautions we took to prevent the assault from happening, or to suggest that we maybe led the guy on by not stating our feelings plainly. The result is a situation where women are punished if we reject, avoid or identify creepy men, and then told it’s our fault if we’re assaulted by someone we plainly ought to have rejected, avoided, identified.”
—The Creepiness Question « shattersnipe: malcontent & rainbowsRelationship Issues: Healthy versus Unhealthy Boundaries
The following comparisons highlight the difference between healthy and unhealthy boundaries.
Healthy: Being your own person.
Unhealthy: Feeling incomplete without the other person.
Healthy: Accepting responsibility for your own happiness.
Unhealthy: Relying on others (especially your partner) to make you happy.
Healthy: Being able to balance separateness and togetherness.
Unhealthy: Wanting either too much or too little togetherness.
Healthy: Having meaningful friendships outside the partnership.
Unhealthy: Being unable to build and maintain close friendships with others.
Healthy: Being able to see and focus on your own, and your partner’s, good points.
Unhealthy: Always focusing on your partner’s flaws and worst qualities.
Healthy: Achieving intimacy without the use of substances.
Unhealthy: Using substances to reduce your inhibitions and achieve a false sense of intimacy.
Healthy: Communicating in a way that is open and real.
Unhealthy: Playing games; being manipulative; not being willing to listen in a non-defensive way.
Healthy: Being loyal and committed to your partner.
Unhealthy: Displaying jealousy and relationship addiction; being uncommitted to your partner.
Healthy: Respecting and accepting the ways in which you and your partner are different.
Unhealthy: Blaming and criticising your partner for having different traits and qualities from you.
Healthy: Being open and asking for what you want, in a clear and unambiguous way.
Unhealthy: Being unable to ask for what you want.
Healthy: Accepting transitions and endings.
Unhealthy: Being unable to change, let go and move on.
Not everything is your problem
When someone is abusing you:
- It’s ok not to care why they’re doing it
- Their circumstances aren’t your problem
- Neither is their childhood
- Neither is the possibility that they’re playing out abuse patterns they learned as an abuse victim
These are larger social issues. It’s important that some people work to address them.
But not you. Not with regard to your own abuser. You don’t have to wait for huge social problems to be solved to be allowed to demand that a specific person stop abusing you.
It’s ok, and advisable, to focus on protecting yourself.
“The purpose of having boundaries is to protect and take care of ourselves. We need to be able to tell other people when they are acting in ways that are not acceptable to us. A first step is starting to know that we have a right to protect and defend ourselves. That we have not only the right, but the duty to take responsibility for how we allow others to treat us.”
—http://www.pocatello.us/police/victims/vs_boundaries.pdfYour Child, Not Your Property
My husband was playing with my daughter at the dinner table and was having cute little conversations with her. He tickled her underarm (which she normally thinks is hilarious) and suddenly she said “DON’T tickle me.” And that was that. Wes apologized and told her he wouldn’t.
Children are born to us, they are our blessed responsibility, a gift even. But they are not our property. If I lean in, to give my daughter a hug and she says that she doesn’t want a hug, I do not give her a hug at that moment. I do shower her with love and affection all the time, but if she states a preference that at that time, she does not wish for me to hug her, I respect her wishes.
“ Like many Autistic people, I learned to language via scripts. I also learned that you answer an adult's questions, because the consequences for not doing so really very much suck. There is no script for "that is none of your business; I cannot believe you are asking me this question. This is rude. What the hell is wrong with you??" apart from what I just said. That works on equal footing. Sometimes. Ish. Some of us were taught the "none of your business" script. Most of us have learned that it doesn't work, because of the other thing we learned: You answer an adult's questions-no matter what. And we are not treated as adults. Autism is infantilized in society, and Autistics are treated as children. We are taught, over and over and over, that we are the child in the interaction, and the invasive questioner-that they can and will punish us, just as an adult punishes a child, if we do not answer their question-no matter how inappropriate. We have not been given the tools to say 'no'. We have been taught that our boundaries don't matter.”
—Neurodivergent K, Rude questions & power dynamicswomen give fake numbers and names for a reason.
when i was a teenager and in my early twenties, it was so hard to say no without being fearful of the reaction. i’ve been called bitch, ho, had men try to really follow me and convince me, plead, beg and get violent. so i learned quickly that in most cases, no wasn’t an ok response. even if i said i had a boyfriend or a partner, the response would generally be “so?” (because people who have no respect for that are totally cool potential partners or fuck buddies *Eyeroll*). so i lied. i still use a fake name when i’m out in the streets depending on how i feel. especially when i was dancing, if i saw a custie and he tried to talk to me. but on the real, i was always afraid of being harmed. seriously harmed. and i don’t wanna get into a verbal confrontation with a man i think will not hesitate to harm me if i cuss him out for being disgusting. only a month ago i cussed some old ass nasty dude out for oggling my sisters ass and then telling me i’m beautiful like this was some kind of compliment when a. duh and b. you was just oggling on my baby 19 year old sisters ass and you 50 fucking something. so i cuss him out. he comes by three times, back and forth, back and forth, yelling at me each time.
so in cases where i am cornered, where the man aint taking my verbal cues, where he is cute but just doesn’t get i’m not interested, i give fake names and numbers. a lot of girls do this for that reason. all these ashy dick niggas talking about oh don’t give me no fake number neither. if you have a history of getting fake numbers it’s because you are scary, intimidating and too much. and women are using their intuition. and that intuition is telling them that YOU ARE NOT SAFE TO SAY NO TO. i’m so tired of these stupid fuck niggas not understanding shit. their are brothers who respect your boundaries, who can smile and make eye contact, say how are you and see if a conversation proceeds from there. and there are plenty of women who make the first move, it’s 2012 so definitely a lot more than even 2000 i think! even when you reading a book or doing something where you are busy, you know this nigga dont respect that if he bugging you. so if he gets a number, it’s gonna be a fake a lot. it is what it is. these dudes can’t dial back their sense of entitlement to any and all pussy, to a time of day, to our time, their misogyny. their sense of superiority. so we make maneuvers and create survival mechanisms to survive from YOU.
““This is why a rapist does not have to be physically violent, or state in clear terms that he intends physical violence, for forceful rape to occur. When somebody has illustrated that they are willing and able to step so far outside of the boundaries of human safety, a victim has every reason to expect that there are no boundaries on their behavior. If this person is willing to have sex with somebody who very clearly does not want sex, that person is probably also willing to, or at least capable of, causing physical injury when the lack of consent turns to a physical struggle…. A rapist does not have to use violence. Initiating sex without consent already indicates how little the rapist cares about your consent in the act. How far does that lack of concern extend? Is this the kind of rapist that could continue to enjoy sex when their victim is in obvious physical pain? Could they enjoy causing the pain? Is this the kind of rapist that will happily kill their victim afterwards? A victim has no idea, whether the rapist is a stranger, acquaintance, friend, family member, boyfriend, or husband. Because if a victim could look at a person and know that they were capable of rape, they would not be within physical proximity in the first place. A victim doesn’t know their rapist is capable of rape until a rape begins; and once a victim knows that, they have no idea what else their rapist is capable of. A rapist does not have to threaten further violence. The rape is threat enough.””
—http://www.fugitivus.net/2009/01/08/another-post-about-rape/
Boundaries
It is very easy to embark on a mindful path and to start feeling at war as a result. You see so much ego and ignorance in yourself and in other people. How can we resist taking up arms? We have been taught to fight so many things.
But you do not win anything by fighting it. All violence accomplishes is conflict while peace accomplishes change.
That is why I find tantra so important. While we use words and definitions to create understanding, none of those tools should be taken seriously. Any boundaries and definitions and divisions we create are for the purpose of example only. They are not real. They are not real.
You cannot divide the indivisible.
The tantra approach is a constant reminder that war is never necessary, with yourself or others. By war I mean violence of the moment. Violence is an inner thing, a kind of confused turmoil. Peace is an inner thing as well. Therefore you can be at peace even as you pull a firearm’s trigger.
Do not confuse the outer for the inner or vice versa. It is not the tools or the means of warfare that are violent. It is the violence and confusion of humanity. If we truly knew the lack of boundary between all things, there would only be surrender. No violence.
Tantra means surrender. Not to someone else’s will but rather to the music of the moment. This is why it is so much like taoism.
Search yourself. Search the world. Where are divisions being made? Any and every division we create isn’t true, isn’t eternal. Why?
As Rumi said, “Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.”
Be mindful of your barriers and remember their inherent lack of substance. Everything is already Here.
Namaste, sangha.
