5th November: a brief(ish) history.
This is Guy Fawkes:
He was a Catholic in 1605, which was a pretty shitty time to be Catholic.
This is Elizabeth I (one of the first HBICs):
She wasn’t big on Catholicism (it generally meant treason, which generally meant death). When she died in 1603 the Catholics thought everything would be rosy with James I on the throne:
They were wrong. He wasn’t big on Catholicism either.
This is Robert Catesby:
(This was a good era for hats. Or bad, depending on your fashion preferences.)
He was a Catholic and he wasn’t taking any more of this shit.
He knew that Guy was an expert with military stuff, so he got him involved with his ‘gunpowder plot’.
This is the gunpowder crew (or some of them):
So they spent 18 months planning and, on 4th November 1605, Guy found himself sat in a cellar under the House of Lords, with 36 barrels of gunpowder.
He was ready to light the fuse the next day, when the King would be there opening the Parliament.
At midnight he was found (so close, yet so far) and ended up on this:
Then after some nice, friendly torture, he was sentenced to be hanged, drawn and quartered.
He was quite lucky (I would like to point out that I am using the British form of quite, as in ‘fairly’, not the American, as in ‘very’), he jumped from the gallows so broke his neck before the drawing and quartering happened.
Gory details for those of you who want to know (you all love gory details, don’t lie):
Normally the person would be cut down, whilst still alive, and have their testicles chopped off and their guts pulled out, right before their eyes. Then they’d get cut into quarters and sent to each corner of the kingdom, as a warning for the criminally-minded.
So that is why, in the UK, we burn this:
And then have big celebrations like this:
To celebrate that the King didn’t get blown up in 1605.
And also because we like eating hot dogs and toffee, plus we enjoy the general peril of the November weather potentially hindering our standing-outside-in-the-cold-whilst-admiring-fireworks fun. It’s how we get our kicks.
Remember, remember the fifth of November,
Gunpowder, treason and plot…
Hi there world,
Greetings from Mr Grumpy.
Today I want to tell you stuff it if you’re not British and you feel the need to celebrate Guy Fawkes by wearing V for Vendetta masks and get pished because omglol5eva he was such an anarchist and fuck the government amirite?
Guy Fawkes didn’t want to blow up Parliament because he was a hard-core anarchofeminist queer vegan with a secret Tumblr account (www.guyfawkessupasecretkawaiiblog.tumblr.com - totes legit account btw), but because he was a devote Catholic and wanted to get rid of the Protestant monarchy and replace it with an omnipotent, Catholic king.
And thus endeth today’s history lesson.
Grumples MacMlergh out.