The SirJolt Internship Program

One of the things I’ve found in my job-hunt is that there seem to be a tremendous variety of unpaid internships available under the government’s internship programs (whereby you’re “unpaid” by the business employing you, but continue to receive an allowance from the state). As an unemployed man, I found myself drawn to the idea of the internship scheme, fixated on it. Eventually a plan began to form.

It’s not particularly difficult to set oneself up as a business; indeed, I know several individuals who have done so (for reasons that were variously “too complicated” [tax evasion] or “too confusing” [vanity] to explain). These men don’t share any real unifying characteristics except for one very specific trait – they are near-universally unscrupulous individuals.

So, if an unscrupulous individual like myself were to decide to become a business, is there any reason not to also reach out and grab myself a handful of interns (hereafter to be referred to as “henchmen”). It seems fairly straightforward; once I have my henchmen assembled, we begin the arduous process of acquiring up a hideout. Given the shoestring budget on which we’d be operating, this would be easier if we were to find somewhere to squat.

Fortunately, the combination of a high rate of emigration and the ghost-towns left over after the building bubble collapsed, should provide plenty of empty houses essentially free for the taking. We can’t be entirely optimistic here, there will be some competition for nicer squats, but how many squatters boast their own army of henchmen? I’m willing to wager there are few individuals enterprising enough to have requisitioned themselves a gang (that is to say, an actual gang) of interns.

Once we’ve acquired a squat (from this point on to be referred to as a “lair”), we need only begin to raise a criminal empire. This leaves us with the problem of just what sort of criminality to engage in. It should be something even our novice henchmen can’t take issue with; undercutting local rent rates would be ideal. From there, the sky’s the limit; once the henchmen have had a taste of our filthy criminal profits they should be happy to do anything.

For anyone on the outside looking in, the biggest issue we’ll encounter with this business model is that government henchmen can only legally be retained for periods of nine months. Admittedly, this will prove costly in terms of paperwork, but specific henchmen may be acquired to do more paperwork. In the long-term though, the short shelf life of the average henchman will only lead to a work environment in which individuals don’t question the sudden and permanent absence of a co-worker.

We’ve all seen Bond movies; henchman is a challenging role, and one that can often lead to unexpected termination [melting, freezing, shooting, decapitation, etc.]. Copious insurance should be leveraged for maximum profit.

With filthy criminal profit rolling in, we’ll be able to take the best of the henchmen on as permanent staff, spin them out into their own companies and from there apply for yet more government-sponsored henchmen.

Join now. The first six interns get free gang tattoos.