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What do you do with the pain of unfulfilled dreams?
“Do you really think I’m ever going to make it, baby?”
I looked up at Studhubs last week from my withered, exhausted state in the bathtub with pitiful, sad eyes. The kind of sad eyes you see when someone has lost a dear friend, or hit a wall of impossibility, watching the last bit of hope disappear like smoke from a cigarette into the breeze.
Sometimes I still get like this. Sometimes I still feel like my heart is in a spin-cycle.
For years, the cycles have been the same. Have an impossible dream, pursue the impossible dream. Hold so tightly to the dream that no matter what happens, and no matter how amazing life plays out, there’s a deep chasm of sorrow inside because the initial ‘dream’ hasn’t happened. Yet.
You wonder if the ‘yet’ will ever come—wondering so intensely, you begin to slip away from the hope that you were called to—that’s promised to you. You’re fixated on the emptiness that hasn’t happened instead of basking in the reality that has.
People look at my life from the outside-in and think every day must be a dream come true. Gorgeous, loving, stud-of-a-husband walking beside me; touring and traveling the world with massive, world-wide artists; jetting from country to country on yet another adventure. And while the experiences have been beyond imagination and my young eyes have seen more than most have seen in a lifetime, there’s still this black, ugly beast of hopelessness that likes to creep up on me and take me from behind, driving it’s sharp talons deep into the vulnerable parts of my soul.
Have I had an amazing life so far? Absolutely. Has it been my life-long dream to back-up other artists and to see their dreams turn into reality for over 10 years? Not quite. (:
It’s been one of my deepest honors to help build someone else’s vision, but not exactly the goal of my personal dreams.
Several years ago, I curled up on the couch to be mindlessly entertained by an episode of The Hills. By the time we were 10 minutes into the catty drama, 3 of my close musician friends had their songs played in the background behind Audrina Patrige and Lauren Conrad. And while I rejoiced at my friends success, there was this massive, wound of rejection that gaped wide—another reminder that I hadn’t ‘made it’ as an artists. I remember laying in Studhubs lap, crying like a little girl who had been chosen last for a kick-ball game.
Would I ever catch a break with my music? Would I ever be able to do my own thing? Would my dreams of touring on my own ever see the light of day—or was I completely delusional to keep chasing this extremely painful dream?
I’ve watched for 10 years as friend after friend rockets forward to see their names on marquis’ and their albums released on major labels. I’ve celebrated with them as their music has reached millions of ears, and their singles have topped the charts. And while I wouldn’t change a THING that’s happened to me, (because I know I would never be the woman I am now without the exact journey I’ve been on), every once in a while, there’s still a ‘why hasn’t it ever happened’ that rattles around in my heart like the clanging of a loose bolt in a bad engine.
But bad engines don’t run the way they should.
Any time I continue to allow those hopeless, victim-questions to remain inside of my soul, the world that I’m blessed with is forced to live in the shadow of a dream, and I miss out on the reality that’s actually in my hands.
Once again last week, it was time for a heart-tune up.
After listening to my pitiful rant for a few minutes, Studhubs looked down at me and very wisely said, “Babe, I’m going to get out of the way. You need to spend some time with Jesus and let Him tell you the truth.”
My soul was bleeding all over the place, camped out in hopelessness instead of the peace that’s always available from my Father, and my spirit needed a booster shot of truth to snap me out of it.
I knew he was right. Of course he was, but it was the last thing I felt like doing. I wanted someone to feel sorry for me the way I felt sorry for myself. I wanted someone to sit with me, stewing in my own negativity. I wanted a pity-party ally, not a loving slap in the face.
But a slap in the face was exactly what I needed.
I closed my eyes, quieted my screaming soul, and positioned my heart, my mind, and my spirit towards God.
“Father, I need you right now. I need your perspective. I need you to come with your Holy Spirit and peel these lies off of my eyes and heart. Let me see this situation like you see it.”
You want to know what He said to me?
“Thank me, Christa.”
So simple and yet, so profound. Just thank me.
I began thanking Him for the bathtub I was in, and thanking him for the Studhubs that was so wise. I began thanking Him for how Michael W. Smith always believes in me, and for the tour we were on, and the people I was getting to speak and sing in front of every night. I began to thank Him for God Loves Ugly and how it has already gone all over the world, and the emails and messages of hope and changed-lives I receive every day. I thanked Him for my health, and I thanked Him for my parents and friends. I went on and on and on and on and still hadn’t scratched the surface of ALL I have been blessed with.
Everything shifted. Almost instantly. The more I thanked Him, the more His Spirit came, like a blanket of dew over a new, green world that had just sprung forth. I could feel it, tangibly. And it didn’t just feel like peace, it was peace.
A grateful heart has no room for hopelessness. It has no time for a victim mindset and no time for competition and comparison with others.
A grateful heart sees like God sees—and when you see like God sees, believe me…..you change.
Is there a dream that you’ve been holding onto that has become more of a burden than a dream? Is the heavy sorrow of that unfulfilled dream polluting the life that you hold inside of your hands right now?
It could be your dreams of a husband or a significant other. It could be your dreams of a better life or a job that you actually want to wake up and go to. It could be the dream of singing, acting, painting, owning your own business. It could be anything.
Whatever that dream is, hold to it, fight for it, believe in it….BUT NOT at the detriment of the life in front of you right now. NOT at the expense of all you’ve been blessed with.
Set that dream before God. See yourself holding it in your hands, and handing it over to Him. He’s in charge of it anyway, and His timing is perfect. Tell Him you trust Him. Or maybe, tell Him if you don’t trust Him and ask Him to show you that He’s real, powerful, loving and trustworthy.
Just be honest with Him. He can take it. (:
After you hand Him the dreams that you’ve been holding onto, begin to thank Him for what He has already placed IN your hands. Thank Him for the little things and thank Him for the big things. If your life is hard, painful, and you’re in a dark place, find ONE THING that you can thank Him for—maybe that you are still breathing, or maybe that you have your health.
You can always find something.
Until your situation changes, you get to change within your situation.
What do you do with unfulfilled dreams? You hand them over, again and again, moment by moment, if need be, to the dream-maker. He knows what’s in your heart and He knows what you need. And until the dream comes to pass, you get to walk with the most loving, relational, kindest, most beautiful person in the universe.
The Prince of Peace.
Sounds like a good deal to me.
Xx, Sista Christa
Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close
“…it takes a life to learn how to live, Oskar.” (Pg 184)
When I read this quote it made me think of how true this statement really is. It can be applicable to a person at any age whether it is an older person reflecting back on their life or a young person facing a tragedy of a loss of someone they know that puts their own life in perspective. In a course of 3 years I, along with many other classmates, was faced with the loss of 5 friends due to separate tragic accidents. I quickly learned just how quickly things could change in an instant and how things would never be the same. In Oskar’s case he was suddenly faced with the loss of his father. Neither I, nor Oskar, ever expected when that when we woke up that day something as horrible as the death of people we care about would occur. Oskar was faced with learning how to live after his father died and he managed as best a 9 year old could.
Now that the story is over I feel just content. I didn’t particularly love the book, I got a little bored, but I didn’t hate it either. I think there are valuable lessons to learn from the book such as family, coping, never giving up, and to be curious about the world we live in.
Scones vs. Burgers (Europe-America)
Europeans clearly do things differently from us. Yet their ‘smaller’ lives seem in many ways richer and fuller. Here are five that really struck an appeal to some people.
1. Europeans walk and bike more. Whether in crowded cities like Rome or Budapest, or centuries-old rural villages, more people get around on their own power in Europe. It’s easier than negotiating jammed streets, finding scarce parking and paying twice as much for a gallon for gas. Age has nothing to do with it: You’re as likely to see a wrinkled grandmother toting a wheeled market cart or pedaling her cruiser, a bouquet of baguettes in the handlebar basket, as you are more youthful cyclists, who may be wearing an Armani business suit, or a leopard blouse and platforms, like a couple of stylish Roman commuters I watched pedal down the via Nomentana.
2. Europeans use more public transit and drive more economical cars. If they can get there by train or bus, they usually do. Granted, Europe has a far better rail network than the U.S., and the same is true for buses, especially in small towns and rural areas. But when one must drive, what’s considered acceptable, especially for families, is a drastic contrast to American expectations. The Subaru Outback I own (pretty common in Boulder, Colo.) is considered a modest, practical car here – but in Europe, it’s big. In fact, so are Honda Civics and Toyota Corollas. Those are spacious, family-sized cars in Europe. They dwarf the Toyota Yaris, or the Fiat Panda, or the 2-door Audi A2 hatchback that isn’t even sold in the U.S. While the toy-like Smart Car is still a novelty here, they’re all over the streets of Europe. The Europeans are getting 40, 50, even 60 miles per gallon and aren’t feeling a bit deprived.
3. Europeans eat well, but eat less. Just try ordering a non-fat latte in Italy. You’d be laughed at (and you couldn’t get one). The standard Italian breakfast is a flaky, butter-laden croissant and a rich, foamy, whole-milk 6-oz. cappuccino. No one spares the olive oil on a salad or a plate of fresh pasta. It’s a basic essential of Italian life. But restaurants don’t serve a pound of pasta as a single portion, either. And since everyone walks, the calories are burned off while the calves stay toned for the stylish heels in which Italian women negotiate the ancient cobblestone streets of Florence.
4. Europeans choose community over convenience. Although Britain is becoming an exception, in Europe, you don’t see people dashing off with their coffee in a paper cup. Even Europe’s fast-food stands, like the ubiquitous neighborhood bars in Italy that serve a quick panini, espresso or glass of wine, rarely offer disposable plates or cutlery. When I asked last summer at a casual plaza café in Croatia if I could get an impulsive espresso to go, not wanting to hold up my fellow travelers, the barista made a studied appraisal of me and asked, “Madame, are you really in so much of a hurry?” I tried to explain about delaying my companions, and he said simply, ‘They will wait.” They would, in Croatia. They would sit down together, and chat, and not be in such a rush.
5. Europeans are more relaxed. At times, it was irritating to find so many businesses (outside the main tourist districts, anyway) shuttered between 1 and 4 p.m. And if you didn’t eat lunch by 2:00, you couldn’t find an open restaurant until 7:00 or 7:30. The always-on, always-open nature of American commercial culture is simply not the norm in Europe, even in the sophisticated, modern cities. In the oppressive heat of Rome in late June, it was easy to see the practicality of the ‘siesta’ tradition. A sluggish, heat-induced pall hung over the whole city, and those who were smart retreated behind thick stone walls to rest and rejuvenate. On Sundays, nearly everything is shut. Europeans learn to plan ahead so they can enjoy their culturally mandated – and embraced — leisure time.
I think there is a point in every person’s life that they wish they could rewind time. Maybe it was a certain time you want back or you wish you could have said something differently. For Oskar obviously he wishes his dad was back, he wants that one night back where instead of saying “nothing” he could have said something. I think we, as humans, think time is forever. We alway have tomorrow right? Yet, we are not promised that time so why not enjoy now? I felt this way until I lost my dad that there is always tomorrow. I think Oskar had to learn that lesson early in his life. He leaned that we can’t rewind time back we can’t bring back those ones we lost. Chasing a key wont bring them back neither will wishing for it. Sometimes in life we learn we have to let go. That is what i felt was taught in this novel. Learning when you have to let go.
I just want to feel something again. Alive. I want to feel alive.
alive so boring sometimes?
Not when it was with her… her touch sent chills down my spine. It sent a jolt of energy through my body.
She made me good.
But it’s different now. I’m different. I’m sure of what I need to do. I just have to think. And plot. And plan.
Dad came home today and just stared at me while I was sitting on the kitchen counter. Thinking. I didn’t even see him watching me before he whispered something under his breath. Douglas Moriarty, in his jumper, pouring a cup of coffee like the boring man he is, questioning my sanity.
I suppose I’ll have to make things a bit more i n t e r e s t i n g around here.
I will burn him. Both of them- and her included.
Media Landscape: New Media and Beyond
The simplest definition for media is forms of communication. This fundamental aspect of our humanity has changed and kept pace with technological advances throughout our history as a species. With each new development, media takes a leap forward with it. As we feed our hunger for the most effecient kinds of communication possible, our hunger and the speed at which we try to appease it only grows.
In the past 200 years, we’ve gone from print, to broadcast, to new media. When one keeps in mind the ever increasing speed at which media has been developing, any attempts to predict where we’ll be in the next 100 years stretches the imagination in a profound way.
Because new media has developed so quickly, our society has had very little time to reflect on the impact of it on our culture and the possible dangers. Our purchases, opinions, life events - nearly every aspect of our lives can be recorded and made accessible to the right person for the right price. While I do have concerns about what this means for our privacy, I don’t want to take an alarmist position.
New media has also not only provided so many of us with a relatively inexpensive and fulfilling new way to connect with others, it’s also proven to be a useful tool for profound social and political change. To me, this is the most meaningful change in media and our society. The Arab Spring was made possible by Twitter and other various social media channels. NoH8, a silent protest against California’s Proposition 8 (which was meant to eliminate the right for same-sex couples to marry) was conducted online as well.
I believe that while we’re sacrificing bits of our privacy to companies trying to sell us stuff, we’re also investing in our future as human beings and growing closer. Media will continue to provide us with entertainment and improve our quality of life in shallow ways. It will continue to serve as a tool for marketers, advertisers, and others trying to make money off of us. But it will also create a global culture where we aren’t defined by borders, but by our humanity and interests.
Blog 6- Art21
What their art is like?
Jeff Koons artwork is like giant versions of cartoon magazines. Seeing his work reminds me of awesome fan arts of cartoon characters I like. His sculptures look like their actually made of the material they’re supposed to be made of.
How it affects you?
His work makes me happy and excited. His pieces speak to my age and the cartoons I’ve watched. They bring me back to my childhood.
What it makes you think of?
Old cartoons I’ve watched with all the bright colors and figures.
How it relates to what we’ve talked about Intermedia being?
His art is different from the traditional media being that it’s more modern and typically recreations of something smaller.
Carrie Mea Weems
What their art is like?
Picture reenactments of African American History.
How it affects you?
Kind of heartwrenching seeing these scenes that are about such sad events.
What it makes you think of?
Makes me think of a history class where we watch a video about the civil rights.
How it relates to what we’ve talked about Intermedia being?
It’s not normal art or normal photography. The acting out the photograph is not normally done.
What their art is like?
Creating costumes and masks and photographing themselves.
How it affects you?
Amazed and entertained. Being someone who dresses up, I’m impressed.
What it makes you think of?
Movies and cosplay where a person is trying to change their appearence to match that of someone else.
How it relates to what we’ve talked about Intermedia being?
This is not a traditional media style at all, I’ve never heard of someone using photography this way.
Tumbler’s? I’m not really sure what to call you guys, but I just wanted to apologize for not being around much.
Pam and I have decided to devote more time to the family life and since it’s getting nicer outside we have been outdoors a lot these past couple weeks. Plus, Cece loves going to the park so we try to do that almost every day.
There have also been a lot of changes to The Office which Pam will probably be updating you guys about later on.
I hope everyone is having a good week!
Blog #6: About Me
Hello, I go by the name of Wenlene, which admittedly not a very common name devised by my parents. I hail from the Paris of Negros: Silay City. Currently, I go to school at the University of St. La Salle taking up a degree in AB Communication Arts.
In between doing homework and doing other stuff for school, I usually go on Tumblr during my free time and blog about something. I acknowledege, most of the things I post seem reblogged but I post them anyways. Also, I read a lot of fan fiction. I like to read some possible scenarios by other people regarding what should or shouldn’t happen on their favorite shows or dramas. It keeps me busy when I get bored. In addition, by reading fan fiction, I get to imagine making my own stories too.
Life for me nowadays has become difficult. Difficult because the simple things in life have lesser value now. People give the impression that they don’t appreciate life’s joys. They will always find ways to complicate it thus making it more confusing and complex. And, this makes me rather more sorry for myself because I don’t seem to measure up to its expectations.
When asked about me, my close friends may regard me as the odd yet caring girl who sometimes can be seen talking to herself because of having too many thoughts. They may also tell you that I prefer musicals compared to action flicks. There might be something about musicals that thrills me.
Jeff Koons: I like the color and criziness of his work. His work looks like cartoon images which seems popular now. His work makes me feel happy, and kinda of badass way too, reminds me of classic tattoos in a away. His art work isn’t very different, but his process is. He doens’t actually make the work, helpers do.
Yinka Shonibare: one of the reasons why I seem to like him is because he feels trapped in his body but lets art release that. I find that process amazing. his work makes me think of adding the new with the old. normal sculptures with modern day problems with race. He’s like Jeff Koons in the way that he’s a conceptual artist which correlates with the art class.
Chindy Sherman: At first when I was watching her on the show I was sceptical of how she could comsider art, but by the end I was in love with her. The characters she creates are really different people and this is the first intermedia artist I’ve really enjoyed. her art reminds me of memories and stories I might have heard, but never can put my finger on.
The Human Emotion Spectrum
For my group’s visualisation presentation, we have chosen to visualise the whole spectrum of human emotions and the colour psychology behind them and how our emotions are affected through the use of colour in everyday life. We chose to show this through a simple, yet effective colour wheel spectrum, with each colour representing a human emotion that is felt when we perceive that particular colour. Each colour on the spectrum wheel is carefully placed and thought out. The colours are grouped in warm and cool tones. The colours in each group had similar effects on the human emotion. For example, red gives a sense of anger, and yellow gives a sense of anxiousness. Colours completely opposite one another have been carefully placed to show that if we feel one colour, we can’t feel the colour opposite it. For example, yellow and blue are opposite each other, showing us that a feeling of anxiousness and calmness cannot be experienced together.
So, What is the invisible pattern we are going to make visible?
As above, the invisible pattern that we are making visible through our visualisation, is the effects of colour on human emotions and the psychology behind it. The pattern in our research shows that each colour evokes a different physiological reaction in an individual„ which in turn affects our mood and overall performance.
To what extent does it pre-exist our making it visible? To what extent are we ‘creating’ it via making it visible? Or both?
A quote by Faber Birren explains that, “It is possible to make fairly accurate judgments about the meaning of color preferences and their revelations of personality traits.” This again shows how colour greatly affects the individual’s emotion and personal character traits through their colour preferences. For example, if you wear a particular colour of clothing, you are visualising your personal data for the public to make a judgement on your personality/mood. To a great extent we are creating it via making it visible in that we are trying to put abstract, psychological ideas into patterns that can be visualised.
What difference does it make to publish such a visualization?
Our visualisation hopes to simplify a complex psychological analysis of how colour affects human emotions. It also gives attention and awareness amongst individuals of how colours have a physiological and psychological connection to our emotions and behaviour in everyday life.
In which publics does such a visualization intervene?
The visualization relates to every individual in which we experience the use of colour in everyday life, as explained in my previous examples, and how our emotions are affected through a physiological experience.
BLOG #6 :Simbang Tabi
This installation was about teen pregnancy having unwanted child and abortion. The art was entitled Simbang Tabi.
The installation tells about that youths today are more liberated than it was before. They are more exposed to the world and more independent. They do what they think is “in” not noticing that sometimes what is in is bad. They got carried away by their peers and what they see in the media. They say sex is only for the married couples only but in our generation today even teens can do it. They do it just for pleasure and not knowing what could be possibly happen if you don’t have the knowledge about the results of it. Like having std’s/aids or having a child at a young age. Some of them end up having an abortion or giving away their child because they are not capable of taking care of their child at a young age and still studying.
We want the audience to have knowledge of this issues and know what will do if they encounter this. We want them to be aware that if ever they’ll have unplanned child abortion is not an option.
*The whole experience is quite challenging and refreshing. It’s nice to talk to people and know what their comments are about the work and how it affected them. Hearing form different sides and groups is interesting. And making this whole installation art is a new experience, It’s my first time though. Abortion and teen pregnancy is pretty heavy topic to discuss especially i’m the only girl in a group of boys. But we are still able to manage it. :)
I have a reason for yet another blog.
This reason is utterly horrible.
Jon leaves in less that 12 hours to go to boot camp
That means no more seeing him
No more talking to him
No more feeling his hand in mine
Or his lips on mine
No more smelling his hair as we are curled up in bed
Ok now I’m making myself cry
That’s all I have to get through before I can see him for maybe a day or two
Then he’s off again
So my new blog will be for him
Probably him alone
I’ll write him every day on that blog
Then I’ll sum it all up in a real letter to him when I can
This will be what holds me together because I’m all that I’ve got