FART SO MUCH (YALL SHOULD PAY ME)
KID STINKKid Stink - “Fart So Much (Yall Should Pay Me)” (2013)
Wow, what a “hot” single from an exciting new rap artist!
Surviving Dorm Life, a collection of first-hand tips.
Yes, It’s been a week since I’ve posted.
Yes, this is a blog about my ugly house.
Yes this post is about living in a dorm.
Now that all your stupid questions are out of the way, I’ll explain why I’m writing this article: because I lived in a dorm last year. It sucked.
I’m not going to butter it up and throw a cherry on top: it sucked.
My RA was really cool, and he let me get away with murder. (Well, I mean, almost. I never technically murdered anyone, so I can’t really make that claim.) My roommate moved out at the start of the second semester, and I had a whole room to myself. I met some pretty cool people who would later become a few of my best friends.
That is everything that was good about living in that dormitory (read: hell-hole). The rest of this article is a list of my ten biggest complaints about dorm life, in no particular order, and how to make the best of it.
10. Occasionally, stupid people do stupid things. And by occasionally, I mean: consistently and constantly, someone, somewhere is doing something really stupid that will be a burden to you in about 6 seconds. I dunno, maybe some idiot is in the laundry room overloading every machine and putting them out of order for the next 2 months. Maybe someone is hard at work throwing a fire extinguisher down a stairwell in order to show that he’s the “kang of dis mu’f****n’ hall!”, causing everyone to think there’s a fire, and having the building evacuated for a few hours, just as you were about to come back and crash after a long day (I can’t make this stuff up, folks). No matter what it is, someone’s doing some stupid stuff.
Solution: Don’t do stupid stuff. Seriously, just that in and of itself will help. The less dumb you do, the less dumb there is total. I’m not saying you won’t do anything dumb; you will. Just try not to make it a habit. It also makes those in charge hate you, which sucks, as well as leads us into…
9. You might hate your Resident Assistants. Some of them are going to be total jerks, and you will want to do everything in your power to kill them, get them fired, or at the very least make their life suck. There’s just one small issue with making your RA’s life suck: that gives them all the more reason to make your life suck. And chances are, they have a little tiny bit more power over you than you over them. Yes, it sucks, but then again, so does living in a dorm. Get used to it.
Solution: Kind of the same as the last one. Don’t do anything stupid. Even if you hate them, you’ll only hate them more when you have to start dealing with them all the time because of that one little bag of feces you burned in front of their door. Student court sucks, man. Other tips: try to find one RA/DA that you like, and use them as your lifeline/workaround to the others. Chances are, at least one is really cool, so give them all a fighting good chance. Who knows? You might even make a friend.
8. Shared bathrooms. There is nothing good about community bathing. It’s sick and wrong, and just one more reason living in a dorm is like bashing your head into a brick wall repeatedly for months at a time. You’re going to walk in one morning and there will be vomit everywhere. There will be at least one time that someone is smoking “questionable” cigarettes in the stall. There will be one shower that never works (only one, if you’re lucky). Sometimes only the cold water works. Sometimes it’s only the hot. Sometimes the toilets just won’t flush for a week, and everything backs up, and it just smells absolutely terrible.
Solution: There’s not much you can do. I’m only being honest here. You’re best off making a stop in the little boys’ or little girls’ room in the Math building as you’re headed back to the dorm from MS112. As for showering, try to find your favorite shower, and a good time every day when it’s not being used, and try your hardest to pretend noone else ever uses it. Rest assured, someone does. And it IS that huge guy that always smells like body odor. But still, use those Mr. Rogers skills: imagination.
7. The roommate from hell. Your roommate, should you leave the next year of your life up to fate (or the computerized matching system, as it were) is going to suck. Well okay, that’s not really a guarantee, but a good, solid “more-than-likely”. He might be really cool! He may bring you nice surprises in the middle of the night, such as, but not limited to: big plates of chips and late-night Jerry Springer, drunkenly cutting on the overhead light, or perhaps even leaving disgusting things in the fridge (and you’re probably only allowed to have one). Now, I’m not going to lie: being a music major, I didn’t have much time (read: any time) to clean up or do laundry or anything. But I didn’t mess with his stuff, I didn’t play loud music when he was in the room, and I never woke him up at 4am. Especially when he had a final in 2 hours (which yeah, he did to me.) So yeah, I wasn’t perfect or the cleanest or anything, but I mean…come on.
Solution: Just kill your roommate on day one. Pretend to be a devil worshipper. Pretend to be a psychopath. Just make the best of whatever roommate you get, if you have no one to pick from. Communication is key. If there’s an issue, speak up. It probably won’t happen any more. Probably. Hopefully.
6. Terrible smells. Like beyond anything you can imagine. There are days when everything just smells bad. Your laundry is in the same room as you. So are those shoes that you ran at the gym in, and didn’t wear socks. Those are less than 10 feet from your bed. Sometimes the AC unit has something die in it. Then you can burn up, or it can just smell like grilled squirrel sandwich.
Solution: Stick a box of dryer sheets in your closet/wardrobe. Your clothes will always smell fresh. Also, try to keep the sneakers in there with it as well, along with your laundry. If you run out of room, keep a dryer sheet in your laundry hamper as well. For the other smells, just get a good candle, and light it with matches. It makes a big difference. No you can’t have open flames. Then again, if the dorm burns down, consider yourself lucky.
5. It’s too loud to study. But you’re going to have to. Sometimes, there’s just no other way. You may have to do it through a slew of drunken screaming, pounding rap music, and car horns blaring outside your window, even at 1am.
Solution: One of the best things you can do is invest in a good pair of headphones. And I’m not talking about Beats by Dre or Skullcandy or some crap like that. Get some good, cheap, the-world-may-as-well-not-exist-with-these-in earbuds. My favorite are made by Creative, they’re EP something or anothers, and they cost $5 on eBay. They are better than $100 Beats, and you won’t hear a dang other thing, trust me. I’m a Doctor.
4. I never felt safe leaving anything in the room. Well, eventually I went lax on that feeling. But the few times I couldn’t take my computer with me, I was totally freaked out (I mean, I spent my entire summer’s salary on this thing.) Eventually (and sans roommate, but not because I didn’t trust him so much) I began keeping more things in my room, and made sure that I had serial numbers for everything. Still, I’m surprised I never had anything yacked.
Solution: Try your best not to leave expensive stuff in the room when you’re not. If you have to, your best bet is to buy a safe from Wal-Mart. I did, and it definitely gave me a lot of peace of mind. Also, the less people you let in your room, or see in your room, the less people know what you’ve got in there, and are less likely to try and come back and steal it. Also, lock your door. Any time you leave. ANY time.
3. You can’t really decorate the room. So get creative. If you’re like me, you can deal with it for a while, but eventually you’ll get sick of the terrible monotony that you call home. It may help your sanity if you’re not just staring at gray walls and white ceiling tiles every night.
Solution: Decorate. You have to get creative. Posters are your best friends. Find some random things that remind you of home, and put them where you’ll see them a lot. Around finals time, you’ll thank me.
2. Room inspections. I’m pretty sure this also falls under “sick and unusual,” but you have to deal with it. They’ll write you obnoxious little notes telling you that you’re a slob, and that you have stuff you shouldn’t and to get rid of it ASAP, and clean your room, and whatever.
Solution: Most schools won’t allow RAs or inspectors to open any doors or drawers. If you have anything that they won’t let you have in the room, throw it in a closet and close the door. They’ll usually give you enough notice.
1. Living in a dorm. It seriously sucks.
Solution? Don’t live in a freaking dorm.
Flying is Terrible
I would first like to thank blackberry for making live blogging impossible.
Second, I would like to tell you why flying is awful.
The first reason flying is awful is because of this guy.
The second reason is because of birds.
The third reason is because of bad parenting.
The fourth reason is because of praying.
It’s a good thing i’m so smart because i just figured out how the solution to all these problems yesterday. All you have to do is eat and drink as much as you can at an airport chili’s and make stankin farts with your ass for the entire time you are on a plane. If need be, shit yourself and do it multiple times and make faces like this:
I cannot even begin to describe how disgusting DMT smells..
I always hate being in the room when they smoke it because it literally makes me gag and die. I can stand it when it happens outside, but not inside. Ugh. I seriously left the room and I still smell it. It’s so disgusting.
We got a bunch at camp euforia because it was everywhere, and now josh and michael are doing a bunch in MY bedroom and i had to evacuate. I’ve always wanted to try it, but I just can’t get past the smell.
Hong Kong vs NYC
Both towns are populated by about 8 million, correct?
Why is NYC seemingly full of so many more psychologically afflicted people than Hong Kong? Why does the smell of homelessness permeate through the streets and subway system more so than Hong Kong? Do they not have homeless people in Hong Kong?
Granted, NYC pulls the unfortunate from a massive country. Hong Kong has been sealed for 100 years.
Reek
There is a smell in my apartment.
I am a patient man, and I will endure a great deal before I even notice that I have something to complain about. But this evil funk has been plaguing my loft for nearly four months now, and it’s getting so pervasive and so foul that it’s begun to affect the language center in my brain. My mornings, when the smell is at its worst, are now a rising crescendo of horrible muttered metaphors.
This morning was the worst: a cataclysmic stench, the Stink at the End of Ages. It’s redolent of a wet gob of ranch dressing stuffed in the chest cavity of a goat that died of dysentery, and then all of it left to poach for two weeks in July. The foul rime just hangs in the air, and preparing for work has become a nightmarish race to dress and pack before the fœtor, roused by the hot water of the shower, coats the insides of my lungs with the tar of unpardoned sin. I have had two separate teams of plumbers and repairmen hunt through my pipes and my walls with meters and rubber snakes and even a hundred-foot-long camera rope that sent a video feed back to a small bluish screen mounted in heavy plastic casing. It looked like telemetry from a deep-sea probe, but it turned up nothing. The reek still hangs in the air like vaporous curtains of uncooked sewage.
The situation is becoming untenable. It cannot last. If this continues into March I will finally be driven out of my rooms and into the street, where the warming winds will break the last of the ice, and last November’s flash-frozen dogturds will finally bloom in the melting snowbanks.
