Chapter Two: Part Two

The Hardy Boys: The Hidden Theft

In the second half of this chapter…

The boys inexplicable have to head to Bayport High school. I have no idea why, just that my walkthrough says I have to go there. Even more inexplicably, the school has an outside door into its computer lab. What? Inside actually looks like almost every high school computer lab I’ve seen, actually maybe better.

Oh lord, who is this ass-clown? He keeps waving his hands like he’s practicing some terrible play. And he dresses like he wants to be Henry Bolet but doesn’t have the money (which is funny because neither did Henry Bolet).

I click to talk to him and - Oh wow. He has the nerdiest voice I’ve ever heard. And he’s talking about how sweaty his is and the Hardy’s point out there’s no reason for it. And he’s complaining about the computers and their lack of copper and how they won’t turn on because of the heat. He goes on and on about the nexus. Wait - we have to fix the damn heat? Fuck that shit.

 

So now we have to go to the utility room - oh lord, this isn’t going to end well, is it? I mean look at that creep. Well, at least we have Frank’s ass to look at as we die. Frank immediately steals a garbage can lid. I’m starting to worry about him - he’s worse than Nancy Drew for stealing random crap.

 

Frank and Joe go into a cupboard and realize the a/c is nearly out of antifreeze. They then talk to Mark the overly friendly handyman, who informs then that the school is out of antifreeze. Instead of campaigning their local school and government officials for better funding for maintenance, it’s apparently the Hardy boys’ job to go to the store and buy coolant. The fuck? Frank steals a wrench and screwdriver while Mark watches creepily, clearly into it.

…Okay, for this next part, there are a couple of things you have to realize. First of all, coolant is super easy to find, and can be purchased anywhere auto supplies are located, such as Walmart, which seems to exist in every city. And since Bayport seems to be a city of sorts, it must have one there or nearby. Second, it’s $6 CDN for about 3 litres or so of coolant (a gallon ish), so it’s pretty cheap. Third, coolant is NOT something you want to mess with in a car - driving with anti-freeze will eventually ruin the car (see Trail of the Twister - in which the Hardy boys fucking explain this to Nancy Drew - if you don’t believe me). So how do they acquire coolant?

By driving to the mansion and using a shard of glass to destroy the coolant holder in Donny Don’t’s car. Kids, don’t do anything Frank Hardy does. Just don’t. Don’t slash the coolant on a rich man’s Rolls Royce. Just stop and rethink your decision making process at that point.

He then used the garbage can lid to catch the coolant that is dripping everywhere, so now we seriously have an inventory item called ‘garbage can lid full of antifeeze’. I’m sorry I don’t have a screenshot - I took one, but it must have gotten lost. (Plot hole: how do they balance this when they’re driving motorcycles?) I can’t even deal with this right now, I’ve just lost so much respect. The worst part is that Frank then complains that he can’t pour it straight out of the can because it will spill. Come on. So off we go to find some shit to pour with.

 

So while in the science lab to steal stuff, we find a message from the editor of the script. The Hardys score a beaker to pore the stolen antifreeze with (which, according to Frank, is “thinking outside the box”). I really don’t get it. I understand that the school has access to basically an online encyclopedia - but you’re telling me that ATAC can get these boys bikes, afford undercover agents, reformat all kinds of discs, and these boys don’t have the best computers ever or any reliable databases so they have to fix the school computers using some complicated method? I call bullshit.

Mark says what everyone’s thinking. He exaggerates - this school clearly teaches nothing useful. Don’t worry, you’ll love this next part.

 

Instead of going to the computer lab, we run into Iola. To give some backstory, she was Joe’s girlfriend but was killed off in the 1980s in the first Casefiles book. Then she was inexplicably brought back as a classmate in Undercover Brothers, but not as a girlfriend of either. Anyway, she’s upset because apparently that board was literal and her teacher wants her to MAKE HIM ASPIRIN and that’s dangerous. So she’s sad. Fuck. Now we have to make aspirin. She didn’t even ask us to help her and we have to make aspirin. Plus she is incredibly melodramatic and seems to have a crush on ass-clown, who by now is playing World of Warcraft, no doubt.

So we head back, jerkily because Frank is bad at walking around benches, to the lab. Turns out we have to make the chemical structure OF an aspirin. You clever ass-clown-teacher.

I assume this means one of the boys is getting laid tonight because otherwise this has NO barring on the case. Must be to make up for her getting killed in the 80s. Like literally, she doesn’t give them ANY information or anything at this point. It was just a puzzle drop. Professor Layton is more subtle, guys. And, actually, now we have to go to the police so I don’t see why we fixed the AC either.

 

The boys head to the police station, where apparently AJ from the Backstreet Boys is a wanted felon. They speak to Chief Ezra Collig, who is basically the equivalent of Chief McGinnis. He really wants Thomas to be innocent and he likes the boys. He tells them to never trust anyone. However he is all too willing to give away classified police info. Come on man. At least Chief McGinnis tries to hide that he’s letting Nancy see evidence. Joe hints to Collig that Frank wants to hit that when Lily’s name comes up. I accidentally discover the right click opens and closes the inventory and I wish I learned that hours ago. He really doesn’t reveal much except that if we want into the evidence we have to ask Itchy Crotch for the key.

So we head back to the mansion. Itchy Crotch is the only one with sense and says they can’t use it because they aren’t cops…and then takes it back by saying if they get some shit for him, he might help. He just wants them to rope it off with police tape.

And again, instead of protesting their local government officials for better police funding, the boys inexplicable agree to do this.

 

Before that - as I have done some things out of order - I have some catching up to do. This includes filling a rubber glove full of methane gas (which, fun fact, is a part of cow farts) and breaking into a toolbox with a flathead screwdriver in order to steal a phillips head screwdriver. Frank acknowledges the stupidity, finally.

 

We need this in order to get some dirty boots. Frank is glad it’s not a screwdriver. So am I.

We go back to the Chief who does not blink when the boys ask for crime tape and reveals Itchy Crotch has it. That son of a bitch!! So instead we have to use this nasty ass yellow fucking gauze to rope off the scene. Fuckin’ sketch as all get out.

Joe literally says, “We did that thing you asked.” And Itchy Crotch responds in such a way that I had to screencap it so that you wouldn’t think I made this up and so you could fully understand the stupidity of the Bayport Police:

Seriously? Did you not see me put that nasty gauze up, mofo?! Has the syphallus gone to your brain? Anyway, Itchy Crotch accepts this and we go back to the station. Again.

We get to the station to see the cool lab, but are told we can’t use anything, though he will do a suspect search if we find some evidence. So it’s mostly a waste of time. You know what lab we can use though? The high school science lab. That should do it. And we have Iola, supposed science whiz to help. (The boys get stuck in the trees/open area for five minutes, splicing and jerking away.)

 

Iola, pictured here doing science, says she can totally help analyze clues and then immediately has no idea how to analyze blood. Fail. She can however match mud to boots from tracks, using a rubber glove full of methane, and size the boots. She also points out that the hair is black (duh) and that the guy had a fresh hair cut. After a quick trip to the now refreshing computer lab, a google search, and a return to Iola, the boys finally get the blood sample, as well as the knowledge that there some glass and a fingernail on the rag (it sounds like a whole fingernail, so I’m wondering how they missed it). Conveniently, it’s the rarest blood type ever, which will make the perp super obvious.

They deliver the news to Itchy, piece by piece to draw out the suspense. They come up with a rando named John Johnson, which and I quote “is the worst alias I’ve ever heard” according to Itchy Pants, who is an expert is terrible things.

 

The boys head downtown, to the local barber shop, Get Snippy. (No. Just stop.)

The Boys ask about the perp and run into Chet, their pal and Iola’s brother, who is getting a hair cut and otherwise has no barring on the plot. You should really take a moment to appreciate the hair cuts on the wall, by the way. Anyway, the barber remembers the guy, but not the name and he payed by cash so no credit card info. But he left a business card - and this was memorable because he could only leave one instead of two…which is odd enough but I can’t think about that because I immediately realize means I have to play memory. What? Am I five years old?

 

Yup. Memory. Also apparently all these guys have the same back which just says ‘busines’ without the last s. Also one of the guys has sperm on his business cards…

Frank borrows the necessary business card, which is for a masquerade company in New York. The boys ask the Barber the exact same questions, with the same answers. What I failed to mention before is that when they ask if he took a credit card or if they knew a name, and the barber asks, “What am I, the pope?”

…Anyway, now we have the name as we ask about Dougal Siepp. He claims the man laughed at the wrong times during conversations.

End of Chapter Two. Seriously. That’s where it ends.

Coming up in Chapter Three…

The boys head to the masquerade emporium in Manhattan, QWOPing all the way. They decide they need aliases, and Joe wants to be “famous mountain climbing adventurers”. Frank wants to be John and Eric Matheson, working for the New York Review. Joe complains John is too common of a name. Frank points out his name is fucking JOE. Joe says Joe has character, John is a blank slate. Frank still wins. Inside, A man named Val helps them. He asks too many questions and the boys get caught in a lie when they mistake his friend at the NYR, Nat, for a boy but quickly recover. I guess ‘Val’ through them. Val then asks them to clean before he lets them meet the owner. He makes them fix mannequins. You can’t make this shit up.

All I can say is /sigh

Just watch this. I am too speechless at Techland’s irresponsibility to gripe.

/sigh

I can’t embed the video but I can link you directly to it. I IMPLORE EVERYONE TO WATCH THIS.

http://penny-arcade.com/patv/episode/call-of-juarez-the-cartel