Notes From The DOJ Meeting

So I’m at a Big Meeting, and I’m sitting across the room from the people with the blue puzzle pieces.

And I’m moving my body the way I have to in order to think, rocking a little, drumming fingers against my thighs, flapping my hands by my sides. Running my fingers over my pen, biting at my lips, touching my fingers to my thumb, over and over and over again.

I’m not looking at anybody, but I can feel them, every now and again, looking at me. And it’s something about the way they pull inwards, about the way they hold stiffly and angel their collarbones away.

And what they’re thinking is she didn’t get enough ABA.

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The number of people who have told me how profound and inspirational I am when I respond to their worries with courage is reaching farcical mass.

You have obtained breakfast.

You still have a headache.

This is because you need to *eat* the breakfast.

Being autistic and in neuroscience means that it suddenly becomes a *difficult* decision whether or not to work with people who openly think you’re better off dead.

Interesting developments...help?

I woke up after sleeping for 12.5 hours (which never happens, I usually get around 8) and I felt like I’ve been awake but sleeping all day. It used to happen once in a great while, but the past few weeks it’s been happening almost every day.

Ex. You know that feeling when you get caught in a stare? I feel like that with my mind, like if I look at something no thoughts come to mind…I’m just fixed on it and can’t shake it. Almost a dream-like state but not quite. I’m also feeling this with my whole body, it’s kind of just static and I’m forcing it to move, I don’t know if that makes any sense…

My balance has been completely off, which is actually more than usual, I’ve been tripping over my own feet and can’t grasp anything for shit. It’s also way more difficult to talk aloud than usual, and I’ve been a tad more anxious. 

Anyone else ever have this issue? Trying to figure out why I keep waking up feeling like this more often than not, I’m kind of worried.

Thanks for listening to my crap! :)

First day of school...(Personal)

So, my first day of school was almost better than I thought it was going to be…almost. [TW: Ableism] 

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Am I ~high functioning~ now?

This is gross and contains talk of self-injury, illness, neglect, bad relationships with bodies, and disordered eating. So don’t read it.

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i want to go get food but i’m literally not able to say anything coherent

Oh, AA4A, no. This will not end well.

Problem is, no matter how good their intentions are, they’re not well-equipped to do what needs to be done. We don’t need their peers-in-name-only mentoring-in-name-only program, we need Wicked Autistics Saving Ourselves (with apologies to Seanan McGuire). And that’s not something that my token position there can give.

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