Feel like a puppet sometimes?
Being a young person should never mean that you are always under someone else’s thumb, even if it is your parent. It’s normal for young people to feel this way even with great parents, but some parents still battle personal inner turmoil that causes them to be more dominating and controlling than a parent should be. Most of these parents truly love their children, yet because of their own insecurities, find it hard to let their kids fly on their own, or even express their own opinions. If you can recognize your parent as an overly controlling person, it will help you cope better in a difficult situation.
Look at yourself. You’re a person, just like everyone else, and you deserve your own identity. If you find yourself ”always” adopting your mom’s or dad’s likes or dislikes, consider why you do it.
Stop Being a People Pleaser: Identify your fear factor. Are you afraid that your mom and/or dad won’t love you any more? Do you refrain from voicing questions about authority for fear of getting a long, boring lecture? Are you a little bit scared of your mom or dad?
- Ask yourself if your parent is a perfectionist. Often a controlling parent is extremely perfectionistic, driving you always to “be the best you can” and getting angry or upset over grades that are less than perfect, no matter how hard you work for them, or finding fault with tasks you take on around the home. There’s nothing wrong with insisting on excellence, or doing a job right, but it seems like no matter how hard you work on it, it’s never ”perfect”.
- Identify when so-called games are really control exercises. Some parents, believe it or not, become quite competitive with their children. For example, the father points a finger and exclaims, “I have all the power I need in this one finger!” No matter what, I can control you - with just one finger. Or, more than likely, wants to maintain the father-son relationship (with him in the superior, authority position) rather than allowing growth into a normal, healthy, man-to-man relationship as the child ages.
- Think about whether there are other signs of controlling behavior. A controlling person rarely just attempts to control one person. Do others in the family or among your parents’ friends get this treatment, too? It will be more subtle from adult to adult. But it can take many forms, such as always showing up late (s/he controls when the party starts, because it doesn’t ”really” start till s/he gets there), or overturning the original plans in favor of something s/he wants to do instead. Nobody has ever done as good a job, as hard a job, climbed as high, worked as hard, got paid as much.
This behavior can also be a sign of personal insecurity. If there are self-esteem issues at play, often the adult will try to play up their achievements to gain the approval of their peers.
- Consider whether status is important to him or her. A controlling person is often a little insecure. Many times, reminding people of how much money they make is a way of establishing control, or at least allowing the parent to feel s/he has a superior position in whatever situation s/he is in.
- Watch for attempts to isolate you, or to trivialize the influence of other loved ones. Control is easier to establish and maintain if you have few people around besides your controlling parent(s). If your parent keeps you away from friends, or other loved ones, it’s a warning sign. Or, if your parent encourages relationships with others, but then says bad things about those people after they’re gone, that’s a clue, too. Your parent doesn’t respect anyone who doesn’t constantly strive, clawing his/her way up. The parent then makes sure you realise that it’s his or her own advice you should always take, and never anyone else’s.
- A lot of times, parents live vicariously (which means, they experience it through others) through their children. They see you as their big chance to right wrongs they did, to help you avoid mistakes they made. When you mess up by bringing home a C instead of an A, you are berated for it, in your parent’s mind, nothing less than perfection is acceptable. You feel like the parent is riding you harder than ever before, and the reason is that the parent identifies so strongly with you, that s/he takes your shortcoming as his or her own personal failure.
- Don’t fight it. There’s very little that sets off a bout of controlling behaviour as quickly as defiance. Learn to go with the flow, and just let your parent vent his or her “stuff”. Be polite and compassionate, and remember - just like most of what goes on with this parent, it’s much more about your parent than it is about you.
- Learn to work with your parent. Most controlling parents are simply afraid that you will fail without their intervention. Because they are somewhat insecure, controlling parents feel it is necessary to involve themselves in every aspect of your life - some schools call them “helicopter parents” because they hover so low over their nearly grown up children. If you can discover what seems to mollify your parents, you will set them off less often, and make your own life much easier.
How to Deal With Impossible People:
- Establish your independence as early as possible. You may have to “play along” . But if you are very smart you will study hard in school and give yourself lots of options. Get a job and help with your own living expenses. The sooner you get out from under the shadow of a controlling parent, the sooner the parent will have no choice but to recognize your Declaration of Independence, and ratchet back the controlling behaviors.
- Learn how to avoid being controlled through anger. Some parents control their family and/or individual members with their anger. They really lose their temper, lose all self-control, and the result is no discussion. People are afraid to voice an opinion contrary to the angry parent because they fear what will happen (“Just do it - we don’t want him getting angry again.”). This is how anger is used to control you. If you can talk to this parent, ask for the ”3 minute rule” approach. This is how this is done:
— Each side gets 3 minutes to state its case, during which the other side will listen. At the end of this 3 minute exchange, the argument will stop for an agreed time (an hour, a day, etc.) to give both parties time to reflect on thea argument of the other side.
— Then if necessary, have another go at the 3 minute each discussion. Using this approach allows everyone to be heard and also provides for some “cooling off” time, which can help manage conflict.
- Remember that your mind is yours alone. It can only be controlled if you allow it to be. Controlling behaviours are ultimately the controller’s attempt to meet his or her own needs. When you do something, even if you are forced, find the reason you want to do it. If the controlling parent demands good grades, don’t do poorly out of spite. This only gives the controller further evidence that you need him or her. Find the ways good grades benefit your own goals. The fact your parent demands them is evidence of your strength and their weakness. You’re the strong one when you find ways to meet their needs and yours, without allowing them to get into your mind. They can force you to pretend to be something you’re not, but they can’t change who you actually are.
Common fascists (as I definite it) include everyday people who conduct themselves in an authoritarian, imposing, and often impatient and subtly condescending way. They are out there; some to a greater extent than others. Sometimes it is just a vibe and you can feel, “fascist.”
On another note, anyone who conduct themselves in an authoritarian way, I think we should really question their alleged commitment to social justice.
European Union: The End Of The Old Authoritarian Cells Killed ! http://newish.info/109828-european-union-the-end-of-the-old-authoritarian-cells-killed
Tajikistan mosque bans minors
article reprinted from Huffingtonpost.com
Tajikistan’s authoritarian leader has approved a law barring minors from praying in mosques as his secular government seeks to minimize the rising influence of Islam in the Central Asian nation.
President Emomali Rakhmon signed the bill Wednesday despite vocal resistance from rights activists and the opposition Islamic Revival Party.
The law also requires people under the age of 18 to study in secular schools thus barring thousands of students from attending mosque schools seen by authorities as a breeding ground of Islamism.
The impoverished and predominantly Sunni Muslim nation shares a long and porous border with Afghanistan.
The country was ravaged in the 1990s by a civil war between government forces and a loose alliance of Islamists and democrats.
What is everyone’s thoughts on this?
“Ironic. Ron Paul dismisses building a fence along the US border as unamerican and is scoffed at by all other GOP candidates who would like a Berlin style militarized fence erected. Meanwhile the debate is taking place at the Reagan Library and playing clips in the background of President Reagan telling Gorbechev to “tear down this wall”. How Orwellian.”