Accept. Comment. Like. Share.

(The title is not totally irrelevant.)

And maybe it’s not because I don’t trust them. Maybe because I don’t trust myself.

I never posted my plates from last term on Facebook. Even though my prof said it’s great and I had a nice concept and shit. Not even a session of it. Or a teaser or a floor plan or anything. I was scared. I thought people will critic it or post unnecessary comments or offensive ones. I don’t know what they’ll think of my design, I don’t know what they’ll say and I don’t know how to react to their comments and how I’ll take all of ‘em. What if they ask me questions and I don’t know how to respond? Of course I don’t wanna leave them hanging. Even though the whole class knew I did great defending and presenting my project, a part of me feels like “hey you should’ve shared it with your other fellow archi students on facebook” and a part of me is holding back because of a reason (or maybe a lot of reasons) I’m not really proud of but now I have accepted it even though it still hurts. By accepting it, I’ve learned how to move on. Take another step and not totally forget about what happened back then but take it as a push, a motivation, an inspiration….yeah something like that.

So here’s the thing. And yes, I’m going to put it out here on Tumblr(FINALLY). I’m not going to delete this nor will put it on private. I’m not even sure where all this strength for blogging this shit that happened to me came from, but I guess this will make everything better. I’ve failed some subjects in college. And sometimes, to be honest, I don’t even feel guilty about it. Maybe because I know I deserve it. And I failed because of FDA or for abusing the tardiness points thinggy. Sorry to disappoint those who look up to me, but Yes, I’m actually a lazy student. I regret nothing though. But I still blame myself for this. Sometimes I feel like it’s okay and sometimes I feel like it’s not. Everything is so confusing. But yeah, failing like how many subjects sucks. Big time. Being delayed for a year sucks. Being an irregular students sucks. But I never felt like an outcast in my class so twas alright. But of course I’m not really that pessimistic kid so I said to myself “I’ll hold on to this thought for a while that everything sucked for a reason. Maybe it’s a new way for telling me to start fresh or (insert a convincing and encouraging quotes for people who failed here).”

And I always thought I was weak, dumb and never good enough because of my failures.  

Don’t be afraid to fail. Don’t waste energy trying to cover up failure. Learn from your failures and go on to the next challenge. It’s OK to fail. If you’re not failing, you’re not growing. — H. Stanley Judd 

So instead of using my failures as something to pull me down to depressionland, it should be used as something to motivate me to success. I always thought of myself as this girl who has no right to post something related to architecture, especially her projects, on Facebook because she failed some major subjects. Haaaaaah. It’s like I feel that they’ll make fun of me because I’ve failed and I’m delayed for a year. And now my batchmates are my supposed to be lowerbatch. Oh well, maybe that’s life. At least I’m still friends with my former batchmates, they still talk to me and sometimes they help me out. And I’ve made some new friends from the lowerbatch and they’re kind and funny too, good thing I’m still on the same age bracket with them though. Lol. Anyway, the thing I just can’t deal with is I just feel like I’m being judged by others when I walk on the corridors or when they see me or whatever, specifically my former batchmates who  doesn’t know me at all. But yeah they don’t know me at all. Maybe it’s just me creating this fucking issue in my mind because I’m the one who see it in myself. Maybe this is how little I see myself when I fail. But now, I believe it’s better if I should change how I see myself and accept the flaws and failures. I believe it’s better if I should share it to my readers too, to let it out and feel free and not keeping it like a secret. But in my defense, I never really kept it as a secret. I just never had the guts to let it out here.

So maybe I’m more of a “slowly but surely” type I guess. Haha!

I may have failed (_) subjects already, but I still think I’m not a failure because I’m still here, still fighting for my dreams, for what I want, for what I want to be, for my parents, for myself and for our future.

I love my family and friends for supporting me and for always being there when I need them.

So I’m thinking of sharing my project on Facebook after I finish it.

Because it’s time to move on to another level. We shouldn’t be limiting ourselves. We should put ourselves out there.

xo Nadine