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If 500 people reblog this, my best friend will throw away her razors. forever.
Please reblog. She suffers from serious depression and has been cutting for years (since her mom died) and if this reaches 500 notes, it would be life changing. Please take a second out of your time to help her get better, one step at a time! (: x
UM EXCUSE ME HOW THE FUCK DO YOU MAKE APPLESAUCE LIKE EVERY TIME I TRY TO MAKE THAT SHIT IT JUST TURNS INTO A FUCKING GLOB OF GOD KNOWS WHAT AND IT TASTES FUCKING HORRIBLE LIKE WHAT ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO ADD ASIDE FROM FUCKING APPLES SO THAT IT TASTES GOOD
USE YOUR SHARPENED CREDIT CARD TO PEEL, CORE AND CHOP 4 APPLES.
SLAP 1/4 CUP SUGAR, 3/4 CUP WATER AND 1/2 TABLESPOON GROUND CINNAMON INTO A POT ALONGSIDE THOSE BAD-ASS APPLES. COVER THAT BULLSHIT!
JAM OUT TO “AMERICAN PIE” AND MASTER KUNG-FU WHILE WATCHING THAT MOTHERFUCKER COOK ON MEDIUM HEAT FOR 17 MINUTES.
WHIP THAT SUCKER OFF THE STOVE AND MASH IT UP WITH A FORK OR MAYBE YOUR FISTS, IDONTFUCKINGCARE.
SHOVE IT IN THE FRIDGE TO COOL AND YOU JUST MADE YOURSELF SOME BADASS APPLESAUCE!
FEEL LIKE A CLASSY MOTHERFUCKER, DON’T YOU!
How to Sound Like the Bee's Knees: A Dictionary of 1920s Slang
Applesauce. Remember how we were going on and on about malarkey, thanks to Joe Biden’s use of it in the vice presidential debate, the other week? Applesauce is a synonym. Use it to demonstrate your lack of appreciation for the words of another. Or, alternatively, shout horsefeathers.
Bee’s knees. No dictionary of twenties slang would be complete without this one, which means, in simple terms, the best. (Synonym: That’s the berries.) In related bee-talk, say something is “none of your beeswax” when someone who is not the bee’s knees is butting into your beeswax. Where did “bee’s knees” come from? From World Wide Words, ”It’s sometimes explained as being from an Italian-American way of saying business or that it’s properly Bs and Es, an abbreviation for be-alls and end-alls. Both are without doubt wrong. Bee’s knees is actually one of a set of nonsense catchphrases from 1920s America, the period of the flappers, speakeasies, feather boas and the Charleston.” (Other such phrases: “elephant’s adenoids, cat’s miaow, ant’s pants, tiger’s spots, bullfrog’s beard, elephant’s instep, caterpillar’s kimono, turtle’s neck, duck’s quack, duck’s nuts, monkey’s eyebrows, gnat’s elbows, oyster’s earrings, snake’s hips, kipper’s knickers, elephant’s manicure, clam’s garter, eel’s ankle, leopard’s stripes, tadpole’s teddies, sardine’s whiskers, canary’s tusks, pig’s wings, cuckoo’s chin, and butterfly’s book.”)
Clam. A dollar. ”Can you spot me a few clams?” Other slang for money: cabbage, kale.
Dewdropper. A young, unemployed guy who sleeps all day. Alternate synonym: A lollygagger.
Egg. Man. “He’s a funny egg.”
Fire extinguisher. A chaperone (aka, a killjoy, an alarm clock).
Gams. Is there a better way to say legs, even if one is being objectifying? Pins? Stilts? Or maybe getaway sticks. ”Cheese it; it’s the fuzz! Move your getaway sticks or you’ll end up in the cooler.”
Hotsy-totsy. Perfect; the cat’s pajamas.
“I have to go see a man about a dog.” To go buy whiskey.
Jake. Okey dokey. “Everything is Jake.”
Know one’s onions. To know one’s beeswax; to know what someone’s talking about.
Let’s blouse. We’re out of here.
Mrs. Grundy. A prudish type. Maybe also a fire extinguisher. Definitely a wurp.
Noodle juice. Tea. (But noodle on its own means head.)
Ossified. Drunk, probably from having been on a toot, or a drinking binge. Also: splifficated, fried, blotto.
Phonus balonus. Nonsense. (Related: baloney = piffle).
Quilt. A drink that warms its drinker.
Rhatz! ”How disappointing!”
Soup job. To crack a safe using nitroglycerine. (Safecrackers were yeggs.)
Tell it to Sweeney. Go say that to someone who’ll believe your phonus balonus.
Upchuck. Vomit, probably after too much foot juice or giggle water. (Synonymous: to pull a Daniel Boone is to vomit.)
Voot. Money, lettuce.
Wet blanket. Someone who is no fun, no fun at all. Someone who does not like whoopee (to have a good time).
X. In lieu of any x words, edge means intoxication.
You slay me. You’re hilarious.
(via The Atlantic Wire)