THE END IS HERE: Pt. 1
Hey man, I don’t mean to be a weird ass, but when the world ends I’m totally prepared to slaughter you and your entire family if you get in the way of my survival.
I’m pretty much useless at most things besides blogging about my feelings, drinking beer, and doing crimes, but I’m secretly really fucking set up to give up blogging and beer for some cold, hard survival.
I may be borderline pathologically paranoid, but listen asshole - the world is fucking gross and people just keep shitting all over each other and that can’t keep happening forever. I MEAN THINK ABOUT IT. String cheese doesn’t grow on trees bitches, and all those string cheese wrappers are hanging out in a landfill somewhere like “I ain’t got shit to do for like 700 years dude, borrrrr-ing.”
And the thing is, I’m not about to really do anything about it besides recycle sometimes and occasionally buy organic produce when it’s on sale. And 95% of the world population isn’t about to do anything about it either (most of that 95% are too fucking impoverished to really have a choice). And yeah, there’s that - people are starving, and killing each other, and building bombs, and bitching about each other’s gods. I’m sitting here bitching about not being able to do shit like go on vacation when in most places my life would be considered THE BEST VACATION EVER.
America is fucking awesome, really, it is. We’re privileged fucks who are lucky enough to consume WAY more than we produce. There’s just that pesky $14,700,000,000,000 in debt we’ve racked up over the last century. NO BIG DEAL.
Call me crazy, but sometimes the thought off all the fucking depraved, horrifying things that are happening all over the world gets to me a little bit and I worry about shit like, oh, massive climate changes, nuclear stockpiling, AIDS, starvation… but nothing in the world is scarier than all the ignorant and/or bat-shit crazy people out there who murder the fuck out of each other because of bullshit like religion. Oh, your mystical being in the sky is different than mine? WAR.
So yeah, there’s that. But most of the time I coast around SF not giving a fuck, spending money on shit like candy and 1000 thread count sheets. Because it’s easy and fun and I’m used to it and my concept of “real problems” and “trouble” is some over-intellectualized nonsense I’ve picked up from reading too much and watching biased bullshit television shows while visiting my parents so that I can do my laundry for free.
I have no fucking idea. But I do know that I treat the world like I treat myself. It’s the: I know I’m supposed to eat well, and exercise, and not snort drugs I find on the floors of bars, but right now I’m stoned and eating a bacon wrapped hot dog I bought on Mission Street two nights ago when I was wasted. Tomorrow, I’ll be better. I won’t eat crap. I won’t drink. I won’t have sex with scummy dudes who hate me. I’ll spend more time writing and working on projects that MATTER.
Today is always the last day before the first day of the rest of our lives.
Tomorrow we will start composting. We will become involved in community service. We will go vegan. We will be better people and we will build a better tomorrow. But today… today is the last time we’ll eat Popeye’s for breakfast and whiskey for dinner and fall asleep with all the lights on. TOMORROW WILL BE BETTER. I SWEAR.
I started this post, like I start most things in my life, with purpose. I had a point to make, but somewhere along the way I got distracted and started making jokes and talking about myself. Because I am very, very interesting - much more interesting than the fragile state of the world where I live.
But I’m also scared shitless because I see things around me falling apart and people killing each other and the environment beating the shit out of entire cities, and, being smart and sensible, I start stockpiling weapons. Lots of them. And water. And fire starters and crowbars and non perishable food. I start learning how to farm (more on that later). And reading about how gas lines work. I start getting drunk and telling my friends and sometimes strangers how things are going to fall apart and people are going to think it’s the “end of the world” and start killing each other, and the only ones who are going to know how to do shit like handle firearms and build houses and butcher livestock are going to be the “ignorant,” “redneck,” god-lovin’, bible-thumpin’ ‘mericans that us educated city kids look down our noses at… who are also the kind of people who believe in shit like the biblical apocalypse which might as well translate to “punishin’ sinners and killin’ the wicked (amen),” and you better believe that this bitch right here sins in her sleep.
So right now I’m scoping out paracord on Amazon.com and reading about how to treat a gunshot wound when there’s no doctor around.
Just in case.
And don’t even get me started on zombies.
PART 2 COMING SOON