Ok, so earlier I went to put my keys in my drawer. It was dark and only the lamp on my side desk was on. I was about to put in my keys and then the light of the lamp shone over my wrist. It showed my scars and they were greatly visible. It made me think of why I ever did this to myself…
Self harm was the worst thing that ever happened to me. All of those cuts might have helped the pain of insecurities, bullying, self-hatred, etc the list goes on go away. But, did it ever help me in an actual positive way? No.In fact it made my entire life even worse than it already was. Those razors may have helped me get over things but the result of them; scars never did anything. And I know this is used a lot, but what if my future children saw my scars and asked where they came from? What am I supposed to say? All the things that would come out of the truth wouldn’t benefit anything.
But here comes the crucial part actually. Mt life had always been terrible. Not just “terrible” as in kids stole my lunch money but terrible as in, popular girls bully me and push me around, still do, degrade me and judge me by my race. Make me feel lesser than them. Not to mention my past with my family but I don’t want to discuss that. But, back then, I didn’t know how to deal with the pain in literal ways. I would go into school bathrooms and just cry against the wall in between periods. I would silently cry myself to sleep every single night. Why does this happen to me? What did I ever do to them. I was always and tried to be nice and polite to everyone. Even when they would call me names (it was in their own language) I would just smile and brush it off. Why?Because not only were the students judgmental but so were the teachers. My Religion teacher always degraded me. She would claim I don’t do my homework, give me less grade on tests when it’s her fault for giving us the wrong answers. She would treat other students better than me. She ALSO judges me by my race. Then there was my Science teacher. She found my little notebook that I write random stuff in when I’m bored. She claimed that I wrote bad things about other students, when I didn’t and they were only comments about nothing. She claimed a lot of things from it, but she only chose to judge me from those things. She didn’t even pay attention to the other things in there. Depressing quotes, reasons not to kill myself, FIVE suicide letters, etc. You know what she did?She thought I was a bad student because of this and started to force away my only friends from me. She would move them away from me during class and tell other students to make sure they didn’t move back. And no one wanted to sit with me. She would tell the only people that understood me to stay away from me and not talk to me. She threatened to call one of my friend’s parents if she ever talked to me. Not all my teachers are ignorant fucks but the only one who ever cared about me was my late Maths teacher. He died this year in February due to heart problems/heart attack. In September of last year he entered me in a speech competition. The topic was irrelevant but my school is an all Pakistani school. So, he chose me since I was Canadian and I have fluent English and an accent. But, the problem was; I was shy, I didn’t like talking, I trusted few people and even when I did speak loud it was with my friends. But, you know what he did? He had faith in me. He trained me. He made me the best out there. He took me out of my comfort zone. And in the end, guess what? I WON SECOND PLACE.Because he believed in me. He didn’t give up on me. I was still shy but this was before the self-harm started.
One of the worst parts of all of this, my best friend of 3 years. I was self-harm free for a week once and I told her about how happy I was and she told me, “You’re becoming retarded.”She doesn’t know much about things like this. I don’t blame her, I forgive her. But, that one comment and coming from HER will always change my perspective on things. How someone can care about you so much but be so ignorant.
Then there is tumblr which has been a good and bad influence on me. My grades have lowered a bit. But, the worst part is; when I joined tumblr, I learned to notice all of the things I hated about myself but didn’t care to notice. I learned of all of my so-called “flaws” and it made me feel worse than ever. I began to self-harm in early February, before my teacher died though. Believe it or not, tumblr is the reason for most of the ways I chose to deal with my issues. But, then there is the good. I have met so many wonderful people on here. Most of which have helped me but don’t even know it. Most of which have helped me but don’t even know me. Notably Liv. But, people like Jenna, Lily, Karen, Kristina, Brittany, Leanne, Li-shern, Elisha, Chloe, Franny, Jenny, Kailyn, Marina, Breanna, Ayah, Jade, Shannon, Taylor, Yana, Deanna, Melina, Kat, Greta, Mikayla, Mania, Holly, Sam, Michaela, Brianna, and many more. You have all helped me in so many ways and you don’t even know it. So, I thank you all.
But, this is not just my story, this is yours. This is also used a lot. But, I know at times like this, self-harm, starving or any other form of hurting yourself because of society’s wild, stupid and over the top standards may seem to make everything go away and make your feelings numb do you don’t have to deal with reality, but it really does nothing helpful. I learned that the hard way. Self-harm and self-hatred ruined me. I have over 300 cuts on my wrist and I regret every single one, big and small. I’m really hoping on stopping for good but then there are the unfortunate consequences. The scars. Will they ever fade? I ask myself that every night. What will people think? What about your career choices? What. About.
But, now I have learned to love myself. I am flawless. Not in a conceited way but in a way that I feel like there are no such things as flaws. Flaws are just things we use to give us reason to hate ourselves. Being overweight is not a flaw. Yes, it is unhealthy and no one wants to be unhealthy, but it’s not fucking bad.It’s not fucking easy to convince yourself not to do these things to yourself. I know it’s not. But, I fucking promise you with all my heart IT DOES GET BETTER. Because I know how it feels to be in a crowded room and still feel lonely. Being suicideal is a terrible feeling. I still have it but I can overcome it and so can you. A final message: This might not be the most heartfelt post ever, but please, don’t let any of this shit get to you. I don’t give two fucks if I have never even seen your URL before, fucking talk to me if you need anything. I am always here for you. I will stay up all night just to convince you that your life is worth living. There are so many people that love you and may not show it. But, darling it doesn’t matter. You are fucking awesome and you deserve to be here. Message me any time for anything. I am here for all of you, if I have 2 followers or two million. Anon or not. I will always stand by you. “Because in the morning, darkness fades to gold and so do you.”My English teacher told me that once.
Anybody tagged in this, I might have missed a few, I just want you to know how much you have changed my life, by overcoming hate and taunting. You have fucking helped me so much. God bless you all :)