The Chick: Leda Etoile. A penniless seamstress gets the shock of her life when she discovers a black-clad man hiding in her room - a man who later hires her as his secretary when she doesn’t turn him in. The Rub: Yes, he’s really, really, ridiculously good-looking, but he’s also courting another woman, one who is more of his station. Dream Casting: Kelly Macdonald.
The Dude: Samuel Gerard. Rescued from horrific conditions by the Ashlands, he’s dedicated himself to protecting their beautiful daughter, Kai, from the cruelties of the world. But he needs help in courting her, help that Leda could provide. The Rub: Unfortunately, his desire for Leda far outmatches his affection for Kai, and frightens him to his core. Dream Casting: Matt Damon.
Leda: Woe is me, I am an impoverished (and now unemployed) seamstress. Hey! Who’s that?
Samuel: *ninja appearance* ‘Sup.
Leda: HOLY FUCKING SHIT GET THE HELL OUT OF MY ROOM YOU CREEP.
Samuel: You seem to have ninja-broken my leg.
Leda: Oh no! Let me help you with that!
Samuel: Thank you. You are a veritable ninja of kindness.
Leda: You can stop using ninja as a descriptor now.
Samuel: Be my secretary!
Samuel: I can see that my proposition came upon you silently and unawares, much like a —
Leda: DON’T FINISH THAT SENTENCE. Fine. I’ll be your secretary.
Samuel: Awesome. God, I wish I wasn’t so attracted to her. Ninja boners are the worst boners.
Leda: Wow, he’s so perfect. I wish he wasn’t trying to marry his sister. Foster sister.
Samuel and Leda: *knock boots*
Samuel’s Fams: Don’t be a dick, Samuel. Marry her.
Samuel: That is so not ninja.
Leda: Well, now that we’ve married, I will try to be the best wife for you. And look, your totally not-suspicious Japanese butler has led us all to this ship in the middle of the ocean where no one can hear our cries for help. Not that we’ll be making them!
Evil Japanese Villain: Someone order a climax? Do you have a Japanese sword that has had little bearing on the plot? Surprise! It’s important!
The Chick: Lady Eleanor de Neville. When a brave knight saves her from a burning building, she envisions him as the perfect champion to rescue her from an unwanted marriage. The Rub: Unbeknownst to her, this rescue will be four years and countless pages of angst in coming. Dream Casting: Zooey Deschanel.
The Dude: Gunnar the Red. Cursed to be a bull by day and a man by night, he’s in love with Eleanor, but will she still love him if she knows the truth? The Rub: While his feelings are true, he still has 600-year-old Slutty Ex Issues to deal with. Dream Casting:Gerard Butler.
Eleanor: Help! A fire!
Gunnar: ‘Sup. *saves*
Eleanor: OMG, you’re so amazing! We should totally run away together, what’s your favourite colour, I wonder what we’d wear if we got married…
Four Years Later…
Eleanor: …and I would like to have three girls and three boys, and at least one of them would have to be named Mary, because hello, we’re barely out of the Middle Ages, and our first house would be…
Gunnar: How the hell are you still talking about that? Er, I mean, yay, romantic?
Random Storyteller: Did I ever tell you guys the story of how a bull totally turned into a sexy man and got it on with a lady?
Eleanor: No but do go on even though it’s not like this story will have any future relevance to me!
Gunnar (as a bull): *un-bull-ed**re-man-ified*
Eleanor: Well shit. Who knew? Let’s get it on!
Gunnar: Wow, REALLY?
Eleanor’s Dad: Hell no. Then the novel would be too short! Eleanor, go marry some Random Dude! We need at least three more chapters of angst!