I had a mental breakdown last night. I cried for longer then I have in a long time and it felt good. Very good. With NIAW all I have had on mind is babies, babies, babies.
Saturday will be the year mark of when we got the news about our first miscarriage with the twins. I keep dreading it, but just like with the due date, the dates will come and go and I will move on. Because we have to. Because there’s no other option. Because there WILL be a rainbow after this storm.
I miss our four angel babies so much that sometimes my arms physically ache to hold them. I usually try to be so strong, but yesterday I let it all go and just cried. I needed it. It’s OK to just “feel” sometimes and I am glad I let myself.
Sweet angel baby,
Just because I was hardly aware of you, I loved you, and I still do.
I wish I would have gotten to hear your heartbeat.
I wish I would have gotten to feel you kick.
Mommy and daddy wanted you so bad, and before we could even say hello, we had say goodbye.
I’m sorry that someone didn’t want us to meet.
Or maybe it was my fault. Maybe I did something wrong.
All I know is I will love you everyday, my sweet angel baby.
Please look over mummy, daddy, and your big brothers, and keep us safe.
Maybe I’ll see you in heaven someday.
Please wait for me.