COLLEGE ADVICE: UCLA/USC students, I'm talking to you.
Ah, college. For scores of youngsters across the country, college is a major step in the transition to adulthood. It’s a four-year journey that preps young folks on important life skills. Want a good job? Go to college, get a degree and go impress the business world with your 9-to-5 eager beaverness! Need the know-how on self-sufficiency? Go to college and at some point you’ll find yourself eating instant ramen for straight weeks! Professors and administrators are there to nurture intellectualism and hone one’s ability to procrastinate at the same time. Dorm life will stretch one’s creativity with cuisine (anyone else ever cook turkey in a rice cooker?). Parents, the government, tax-payers and academic institutions across the world are investing beaucoup bucks to turn college kids into responsible adults. We’re counting on them to take care of us when we’re old, so let’s hope they don’t eff it up.
That said, a few UCLA/USC college kids in just this past month are shiny examples of Almost Adults who have utterly failed at Life 101…already. Some kids should just stay in school. We don’t them running around the real world just yet.
Majoring in poli sci at UCLA sounds tough, and I commend you for always studying so diligently (doubt it). It really IS annoying when people talk on their phones in the library. I mean, epiphanies don’t come every 15 minutes, ya know! I also think you have lovely hair and your polka dot swivel chair is really cute.
MY ADVICE: Hi, in America, we don’t post racist rants against Asians on YouTube. Freedom of speech, whatever, you’re still a moron (and don’t drag your mom into your offensive gibberish). If you wanna enter this globalized world, you will probably have interactions with people of different cultures, ethnicities and backgrounds so you probably don’t want to offend, mock and stereotype entire ethnic groups. Thank you for listening!
Wow. Just wow. A weekly “Gullet Report” designed to “strengthen brotherhood and help pin-point sorostitues more inclined to put-out.” The lengthy four-page letter encouraged Kappa Sigma “cocksmen” to address womenkind as “targets.” He peppered the email with metaphors for female anatomy (pies, gullets) then referred to their individual races with a “pie code”:
Blackberry: A black target
Blueberry Pie: half-black/half-white
Pumpkin Pie: A latin/mexican target
Pecan Pie: half-white/half-latin
Strawberry Pie: white target
Cherry pie: A young white target
Lemon Meringue: Asian target
He ended the litany with this advice: “Don’t fuck middle-eastern targets. Exhibit some patriotism and have some pride. You want your cock smelling like falafel? Filth.”
It was the most shockingly horrific, offensive and sexist thing I’ve ever read. However, from a literary point of view I was impressed by the writer’s um, symbolism, creativity and use of diction. The ranking of women by a scale of attractiveness was certainly juvenile and trite, but he perfectly captured the tone and voice of a stereotypical frat guy. Bravo, you misogynistic jerk.
MY ADVICE: What were you thinking? Why don’t you put that linguistic vitriol into a Creative Writing class? Oh, and a nice long apology to every woman on the planet.
Not to be outshined by his frat bro, another USC Kappa Sigma vies for the title “Fratiest Guy Ever” when he and his gal get caught naked and midst coital on the roof of a USC building. Gotta say, this one was just amusing. Worst crimes have been committed and a little voyeurism never hurt anyone. And wooo! Sex on top of a building sounds kinda exhilarating! High five, kids!
MY ADVICE: COME ON, 40k a year doesn’t mean you can go ahead and desecrate the institution’s buildings. And of all the rooftops in USC you do it on top of the School of Education? Now stop reading this and go do your homework.
Living with (my) Mom
LA over Spring Break was glorious because it means going back to the comforts of home—fresh bedsheets, home-cooked meals, cable. My home however has a few added attractions: my two bratty man-boy cousins who are classic examples of the trend social scientists like to call “boomerang kids.” The Pew Research Center finds that 13 percent of parents with grown children say their kids move back home due to the tough economy in their 2009 report. Interested in investigating this phenomenon, I decided to ask the best source I know: My mother, Davis Chow.
A hardworking single mother to my 16-year-old sister and me, she spread her mothering further when she opened her home to my cousins. The brothers, who shall go unnamed ‘cause I’m super nice, moved into our house after graduation. (The younger one got a BA, the older one got a JD from law school.) They came in 2008. They are still there. Now ages 26 and 29, they fit snuggly and stereotypically into the “failure to launch” category of Almost Adulthood where 20somethings decide they are too unemployed/too single/too broke/too comfortable/too fed up with washing their own dishes to live on their own so they moved back home.
So what’s the deal with boomerang kids? Here’s my mom’s hilariously honest and slightly enabling take on my mooching cousins.
And yes, I’m getting back at them for picking on me all week, nananaaaa.
1. Your two nephews moved into our house. How the heck did that happen?
Our family is very close. They’re both single and didn’t have their own house to go back to since their mom [my sister] moved in with her boyfriend and they didn’t want to live with him.
How is it that...
You’re in your mid 20s, prob almost to your late 20s… and you’re asking others, as in people who are younger than you and is struggling trying to maintain their own lives, to help you with your phone bill… or even your house bills? Don’t you have any shame in that?… I don’t get that.. I shake my head at those people.. if you were a teenager or under 20 or something, maybe I can understand.. but if you’re at the age of 20-30 or something along those lines, I would think you’d have your life pretty much straightened out….
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Outlook changed because of Yon Yon HMMMMMMMMM, (:
