admit & cry.

If there’s one thing I don’t want to admit, it’s this: When I stop blogging for weeks or a significant amount of time, it’s usually because I’m in a dry spell or neglecting God. Sometimes I am just busy, but usually it’s negligence. Do I want to admit that? No. I want to make everyone think I’m on the straight and narrow with no temptations, no short comings and no flaws, but the truth is… I’m so flawed I can barely touch any surface of my skin without feeling a scar (metaphorically speaking). When will I just grow up and admit, “Ainsley, you need to stop what you’re doing because living in the comfortability of this slavery is NOT what God has for you in his mystery of perfection.” I just want to slap myself and say STOP DOUBTING THAT GOD’S PLAN IS BETTER THAN YOURS. HIS WINS EVERY TIME. EVERY. FREAKING. TIME. It’s funny that I say that to myself when God is saying, “It’s okay, I’m here. You’re okay. Come to me.” He says, “Daughter, I love you. I’ve missed you and I’m so happy to have you in my arms once again. I never left you, though. Know that. Know that I’m forever and constant. I am for you.” Abba, THANK YOU that nothing can separate me from you. PRAISE YOUR NAME. I want to yearn for you. Forgive my doubt, my fear, my distrust and my attitude. I rebuke the flesh, Lord. Ugh, I just want to barf I’m so annoyed with my flesh. SO annoyed. I’m not being a good example. I’m not being who God wants me to be. I’m not even being myself right now. Lord, I NEED YOU. I can’t do this alone. I can’t hurt, grow, prune or flourish without you. Save me from myself and hold me tighter to You than ever before. Isaiah 33:6 is my verse for tonight/tomorrow/this season. Thank you for your grace, Dad. Thank you for your mercy. Praise your Holy Name.