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Two years on and I’m glad that I made the decision to terminate my pregnancy.
Two years ago yesterday I had an abortion after being pregnant for 8 weeks and 6 days.
One year ago today I was a mess.
The course of the year following my abortion wasn’t a good one. The year that I had an abortion, I’d been in a car crash, I was arguing constantly with my parents, recovering from glandular fever and on top of that I was juggling studying for 5 A Levels, working 20 hours a week and keeping on top of my extracurricular activities.
During that year I hated myself. I didn’t even think that I deserved to be alive. No wonder I had a bit of a breakdown. But I recovered slightly, the human instinct to keep on going and survive must’ve kicked in along the way and I started to feel better.
The following year I was in my first year of uni, struggling to get by on very little money, stressing out over the workload and not living the way I’d been led to believe that students did before university.
I was completely alone one year on from having an abortion, just as I had been on the day.
I didn’t have a parent or a friend with me at the hospital. I did it on my own because I felt not only ashamed of having an abortion but also because I felt ashamed of my emotions, that I was upset about what was happening.
Two years on and things have changed completely.
I’ve come to accept that what I did was right for me at that time and that it was my decision, my right.
I had to have an abortion in order to be where I am now and to have had the experiences that I’ve had. There was no way that I was ready to bring up a child.
I’ve come to realise that I was punishing myself because I subconsciously thought that’s what I was meant to do. I felt depressed because that’s what is expected of a woman who terminates her pregnancy. Apparently it’s not ok to be ok about having an abortion. It’s not ok for you as a woman to make your own decision about your body and then feel like you made the right choice after.
Our society expects every woman who has an abortion to feel pessimistic and feel like they’re the worst person in the world. The stigma attached to abortion is one of the things that made me feel the way I felt. I have only told three people about my abortion, only one person knew I was having an abortion at the time.
The fact that I’m writing this anonymously just shows that I’m still not ready for people to know, that it’s something I should be ashamed of. I’m not at all, but I know that a lot of people wouldn’t be able to accept that I’m ok with the fact that I ended my pregnancy.
I’m not saying that having an abortion is something that you should take lightly. It’s something that changes not only your life but you as a person. You never know how you’ll change until after it happens.
I’m finally accepting that making my decision to have an abortion is ok and I feel comfortable enough to talk about it anonymously, something I couldn’t do before now.
Maybe three years after I’ve had an abortion I’ll feel comfortable enough to write about it and attach my name to it.