the snapchat ‘our stories’ are so lame i honestly could not give less of a fuck about another obscure american sports game lmao

i love childish gambino because he has really interesting lines about blackness and racism like “culture shock at barber shops ‘cause i ain’t hood enough / we all look the same to cops, ain’t that good enough?” and “white kids get to wear whatever hat they want / when it comes to black kids it’s one size fits all” but then he has some weird fetishization shit with asian girls and i’m like “oh”

i can’t get back to sleep so im watching american dad on telemundo. needless to say this show is only funny when it’s in another language that you don’t understand

Goodmorning tumblr ❤️ My entire body is aching after american football. I keep finding new bruises everywhere on my body. But it was so much fun, totally worth it!

hawkcyes said:

what is your life story? how much did you way when you were born? did your mom cry? pls tell me everything about you so i can justify you as a person *sarcastic*

when I was six I went to a co-ed school where the boys were starting to pick up on all the shit they saw in american tv shows, especially the concept of cooties. and how to be a dickhead 101, but that was a given.

the boys in my year group decided, quite solemnly, to create the first annual cross-campus kiss-chasey competition. it was pretty serious for a bunch of single digit kiddos; the winner gained the respect and awe of something like 24 students for a week. it was a big deal.

I got roped into this because frankly I didn’t give a fuck. also I ran quickly, so I figured the chances of getting caught were slim. it started out that way (and I might’ve shoved a kid into a flower bed at one point when he advanced on me with pouty lips), but soon enough daniel arrived.

now daniel was the seven-year-old equivalent of michael fassbender: gorgeous, but an absolute asshole when you really got to know him. daniel was everyone’s problematic fave. daniel was the first boy to have a crush on me, and the first to realise how I deal with unwanted approaches.

so I was chilling near the monkey bars when daniel sprinted around the corner, mouth poised like a fucking trout, and I didn’t have anywhere to run. I threw up my tiny hands, pushed back against his chest and screamed “I’M NOT GONNA KISS YOU”

"but you have to!" daniel said. what a jerk.

"no way," I replied, mildly repulsed. then, suddenly, an idea sprang to mind. grinning slowly, I turned back to daniel. "okay, how’s this. I’ll kiss you if you-" gigglesnort "-show me your willy"

that’s right. I’d kiss this kid if he showed me his dick. I was six

daniel barely took a moment to contemplate before he dropped his pants, letting the baby kraken free into the spring afternoon. hands on his hips, proud as a goddamn peacock, he closed his eyes and awaited his reward.

and then I started laughing.

and then I took his pants.

and then I started running.

and then poor little daniel was left alone, half-naked, lips still poised for a kiss from a kid who was halfway across the school with his pants and his dignity

and THAT, my friend, is how you justify me as a person.

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