If you were to ask me “how’s life?”, I would say. “Life is shit” as I always do. And the reason I say that because after all I’ve been through, I’m suprized I’m sill alive.
I’m not the best story teller, but this is how it goes…
I didn’t have a childhood, I never got to go over to a friends house, friends hardly came over, It was school and straight home. Throughout my whole life I’ve witnessed abuse. Abusive parents, to each other or to my brothers or sisters. Sometimes even me. It never got any better. Clothes being torn apart, yellings, things being thrown, other stuff turned upside down. Slaps, Pushes, scratches, even punches would be thrown.Middle school years were harsh, I still wasn’t allowed to go out with a friend or to their house, or to anything. So as my mom would go to work during nights, I’d go to my friends house. And at times I’d get home while she already got there. I’d deal with her yelling, and sometimes beating me. But I needed a friend, so I kept on going to my friends house, and the same thing would happen every time.6th and 7th grade, for no reason, I had bullies. I never told anyone, that alone, I had way too many problems at home, and from that point I lost interests in many things, and in school.8th grade was horrible. and still I witnessed abuse, physical and verbal. I still wasn’t allowed to go out, if anything, MUCH LESS. .
and a secret not many people know, I was raped my 8th grade year. My family doesn’t know.
High school, is when I started to mess up TOO much.I got sick of the home fights, and being trapped. So I started to skip.During the first 3 years of High school, My Dog of 12 years passed away. My baby niece was in the hospital and was rushed far away. A few friends died. My parents split. and I was homeless, Just ME. I had no where to go. . I lost many many many “friends”. My dad had open heart surgery. My Grandpa passed away. I cut myself. I tried to commit suicide. Oh, and 2ce, I cheated death. I was suppose to die once in 3rd grade, but made it out. and Once in 8th grade, but I made it… by 15 minutes.. or else, I wouldn’t be here. My parents would still argue and fight. I hardly saw my dad, which hurt most because I love him sooo much. I would hear my sisters talk about they spent the day with him so blah blah blah. I’d walk to my room and cry my heart out. (During the time my parents split) My parents never got along. They’re only with each other, for me. Which .. makes me feel.. real horrible to be honest.
And from 2009 until now… My parents would still fight and argue. I can remember once, glass being broke, and I hugged my sister and ran into my our room. I remember seeing some blood. Things on the floor. Everything a mess. Not along ago, I woke up to a text from MY SISTER saying I’m worthless, to get up and do something with my life. . Something along those lines. My grandmother passed away, My brother and his wife divorced. with 2 kids… My sister WHOM is pregnant.. her husband left her, and they already have 2 kids. I had to spend all summer with her. Seeing her cry, and having more anger within me. I lost a few other friends due to death. My mother is strict on me. and she’s… horrible. I got kicked out of 2 schools already. and I’m sick of people trying to put me in the middle of something, trying to make something my fault.. and I’m always like wtf. The more that happened to me, the more I hated people. and it everything in my life… is just a vicious circle.
I tend to have dreams of my parents fighting, my dad hitting her, my mom hitting him. I can hear it in my HEAD.. their voices… shouts and arguments.. it’s stuck… in my mind. At night, even when it’s quiet.. I can hear it so clearly. I’m no one to complain, but for a while, I felt I have schitzophrenia, I now have slight asthma, and depression.
I am not posting this to get pitty or nice words from anyone. But those who care, thank you, those who actually read this, thank you. I have to deal with this everyday, still today… but..Best thing I can do, it try to ignore it, face what I can, and keep on existing.