It is you. It is fucking you. I cannot explain it anymore. You are the only one I will ever want. I belong with you. You are my home. I look at you, and can somehow see the next 50 years of my life sitting on our porch with you. You are my good.

No More Talking

I am tired of talking. Hashing out the circumstances

over and over. The tiny moments. Seconds of looks,

touches, and far-away glances. Telling the same

stories a thousand times. Speaking of you just so

I can say your name out loud, as if that somehow

draws you closer. You are not here. I say it again

to give it weight. To my flesh, my heart and then

my brain. You are gone, you are gone, you are gone.

—l.a.w.

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Feels and stuff...

So I looked at my ‘bed’ last night and noticed it was becoming deflated. I was terrified at the thought of this and franticly tried to look for the hole or some solution so I could still sleep on it. I wake up many times as it is awkwardly shaped and deflating, but try to ignore it and continue to sleep in the most uncomfortable positions as I am so so afraid of the alternative. Eventually I feel that maybe it was all in my head maybe I don’t need to be sleeping out here anyways. So, I figured maybe this is the universes way of telling me that I am ready to return to my bed. Which was yours first. I lay down and my eyes begin to water, I have no feelings at the moment, but I begin crying without reason or emotion attached to it. I then think of you and that you are no longer even a small part of my life and how many times I have wanted to talk to you and share things with you and just be near you. So then I breakdown entirely as if it were the day you left all over. Many days I have broken down and every time I am stressed it usually triggers one of those days. During qualifiers I wanted nothing more NOTHING more than to hear you say those simple words that we would speak to one another before a major exam for reassurance. After each exam I wanted to call you and talk to you and tell you everything that happened during the exam, but I couldn’t and knew I shouldn’t that… that time was over for you and you really don’t fill that role anymore for me nor do you want to. So, I am writing this to hopefully help myself finally take that step forward, as I have really been struggling with not contacting you and I have no idea what I would say nor do I think I would be able to handle you telling me that you are more happy than you were when you were with me. It has been ~11 months since you broke my heart and it is still trying to find its way back together again. I, for no reason whatsoever, toy with the idea of online dating as if to test myself to see if I am ready, but I can’t even hold a conversation with them, because I really don’t care nor do I want to give them a chance. I purposefully respond in a way that is devoid of follow-up questions or any response by the other person. I should have been selfish I should have thought about my own needs and wants I should have not just given up and yielded to you saying you were no longer in love with me. That is all in the past now, you left you wanted to, I tried to do what I thought was the right thing and let you walk away, because I truly wanted you to be happy. I knew that it would be short of forever for me to ‘bounce’ back from that event, but I felt that since I cared and wanted nothing more than you to be happy that it was the absolute right course of action. I went to downtown st pete when I was home for the holidays. I told everyone I was with that I couldn’t go in five bux because I couldn’t handle it. The only place, it turns out, everyone loves to go. I don’t know why I am hung up on you, but I do know I have somehow locked most of those feelings in the room that we shared that until today I have not tried to sleep in and don’t know if I will be able to. If only my fear of failure and want for the best possible outcome for you didn’t make for such a debilitating combination that entire summer, maybe things would be different, but I can’t focus on that I shouldn’t, it will only make things worse for me. When I passed the quals I immediately thought of you and wanted nothing more than hear your voice say good job babe. The fact that you responded when after days of an internal battle I chose to tell you I passed, because it was becoming too much for me to keep to myself. I wanted so badly to talk to you and tell you, but I was even more so trying to keep myself from losing ground again. In the end I did tell you, because before you left you had requested that I did, I kept my word. The blind confidence you had to say ‘I knew you would’ and then inquire further, was the worst feeling, I wanted to call you right then and talk about everything, but instead I knew that would be terrible for me to hear your voice and I would then begin to day dream or even as it has been you showing up in my dreams at night. You were always so confident in my capabilities and I felt that I could trust your opinion of me, even more than I did of my own. For some reason you would always think I felt you were just a pretty face even at the end. I never understood it because you were so much more; I valued every aspect of you and everything you brought to the relationship. I truly believe you did not value yourself to be more than that and did not know how someone else could and therefore ran, which is why you felt being lusted after was somehow more reassuring than the constant and unconditional love I have/had for you. Sure, my parents always say I knew you would pass and so do my friends, but you were there to help me go towards these goals and saw how much I struggled and worried. Everyone else seems to think I do not struggle nor do I ‘much care at all’ when in actually I care more than they probably ever will. I value everyone so highly and strongly that I feel if I ever let them know it will give them power over me or something I really don’t know why I hide it. When I am intoxicated I speak freely without the emotional filter that I have so ingrained in me that I do not even know how to turn it off. I still love you and still miss you every day, you were my rock my steady ground, that when I was in need of guidance and someone to lean on, was torn from me. Everything went to hell that summer. I had never been so happy to move on to the next part of my life as that day just over a year ago when I flew down to move you up and never been so much more twisted and helpless feeling than when you told me you no longer were in love with me and that you’d give me a 3 month ‘redemption period’. I was doomed from the moment you spoke those words, I felt incapable I was instantly overcome with such debilitating depression that I began to fail miserably at the only other aspect of my life as well, school. You said you aren’t as confident, well how could I be when the person that helped shape me more than anyone and I felt I was also helping achieve their goals gave a ‘2 week notice’ to a relationship I wanted to move into a marriage. Our goals were like minded in their difficulty and overall incomprehensibility in terms of other family and friends to really try and shoulder any of the weight and not have it just feel like ‘supportive words’. I hope after I move that maybe I will leave some of this grief and overall depressing feeling behind.

I don’t even know if this is what I have been trying to get out for so long, but I can hope.

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