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Under a cut because this is sort of grumpy and overly pedantic and I’m sorry.

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Ties And Teasing (Michael Smut)

A/N: HAHA YOU GUYS GET THREE SMUTS IN A ROW. HAVE FUN MASTURBATING!!!!

Written by Kiyyah :)

—-

You and Michael were at your cousin’s dinner party celebrating his new job promotion. Even though Michael wanted to be home drinking his favorite bottle of rum and playing video games, you dragged him out anyway. Ever since you mentioned going, he had a big attitude about it. He complained about almost everything. Trying to make his night a bit better, you wore your favorite black dress he liked very much. The dress could turn him on in any situation, but it only seemed to piss him off even more. At the dinner, he couldn’t keep his eyes off of you. He couldn’t stop thinking about how the dress showed off all of your beautiful curves. It pissed him off even more when you dropped your purse in front of him. You bent over to grab it and earned a groan from his lips. Looking back, questioning if he was okay, you saw he had his hand covering a big bulge in his pants. When you two left the party, Michael wouldn’t let you go. His hand traveled down and cupped your ass. The car ride was long and quiet, Michael clenching his jaw every few seconds, his hard-on raging through his pants. 

“You know, I had a great time tonight Mikey. You looked great, I personally liked you in your tie. Why’d you take it off?” you questioned and smiled at him. He kept his eyes on the road and shifted in his seat. He pulled into the driveway of your house and you both got out of the car and walked to the front door. Michael seemed to be even more pissed then earlier. You could tell just how pissed of he was when he almost kicked the door down when he unlocked it. His ran his hand through his purple hair and he kicked off his shoes. You reached to take off your red pumps when your body was pushed against the wall. You look up and see Michael’s green eyes piercing into yours. His hands gently gripped your waist as he lifted you up on the wall just a bit so you were on the tip of your toes. 

“What do you think you’re doing? Huh?” he growled, his breath warming the crook of your neck. You were speechless, your eyes widened and you were curious to see why he was so pissed off. 

“Mikey, baby, what’s wrong? W-what did I do?” you said looking at him as he seemed to get even closer to you.

“What’s wrong?! First off, you drag me to a lame party that I didn’t even want to go to. But, because I love you so damn much, put on a suit and went to the fucking party. Secondly, you wore that damn dress. Do you know what that dress does to me? Every curve on your body looks even more fuckable. Did you know that?” he questioned and slowly moved a hand up your dress. His hand reached your heat and gripped your panties. A gasped escaped your mouth, surprised by his action. But, silly you, you still didn’t understand his anger but you definitely knew he was horny. 

“Aww baby girl you look so frightened. But, you teasing me today is just wrong and you know that,” he started, his lips pressing against your neck, “Want me to tell you why I took my tie off baby?” You nodded, at a loss for words in that strange but wonderful moment. “Well, I’m gonna use it for something much more fun. Go upstairs and strip. Keep the heels on and I want you naked on the bed waiting for me. Got that baby girl?” he smirked. 

“Y-yes,” you stuttered. He put you down and gave your ass a quick smack before you started your way up the stairs. Your mind was going crazy. Maybe it was the red wine or maybe your mind is just playing tricks on you. Michael had never been like this, he has been aggressive before but this was all new. And you were beginning to like it. You walked into your shared bedroom and did as you were told. Once you had everything off, you slipped on the pumps and sat on the bed. Your mind was all over the place. So many emotions showered over you. You were excited, for Michael to take you and make your body tremble. Scared, because this was new and you were wondering what really triggered all this besides your dress and the party. Curious, you were wondering what in the hell he was gonna to with that tie. And eager, you and Michael haven’t had sex in a while so for him to be doing something like this, it definitely turned you on. The door opening interrupted your thoughts. 

Michael stood in the doorway, glass of ice in hand and three buttons on his shirt were unbuttoned, his pants were unzipped and his belt unbuckled. Seeing him like this really turned you off even more. He smirked and silently chuckled. 

“Good girl, now come here.” His command was sudden as he closed the door and put the ice on the dresser. You got up and walked over to him. He wrapped his arms around you and softly kissed your lips. You kissed back and wrapped your arms around his neck. He deepened the kiss, his tongue licking your teeth asking for entrance. The kiss just heated up things, he gripped your ass and traveled down to your neck. He laid you on the bed and kissed your body. His tongue licked at your stomach and he nibbled on your breast, leaving hickeys here and there. His hands traveled up to your breast and caressed them. Soft sighs escaped your mouth and your hands raked through his hair. Michael smiled at you and grabbed your hands. 

“Y/N baby girl, I’d love to give you what you want but…” he stopped. Suddenly, your hands were tied together against the headboard. Shocked, you screamed and tried to wiggle your hands free. You looked up to see your hands tied in his tie he wore.

“Michael, what are you doing?” you whined as you looked at him. A sly grin grew on his face as he walked away to the desk across the room. 

“Oh baby, you need to learn your lesson. I want you to know what it felt like to be teased all damn night.” He spoke and took off his blazer. You squirmed and whined, unable to predict his actions. Michael sat in the chair and held the glass of melting ice, watching you struggle. He walked back over to you, putting an ice cube on your stomach. You almost screeched because of the cold substances hitting your skin. 

“Mikey it’s cold,” you pouted and watched as he moved the ice cube around your stomach. 

“I know baby, I know,” he looked into your eyes and went down to your stomach taking the ice cube into his mouth. With the ice between his teeth, he traveled down to your soaked core. You jumped when the ice came in contact with your heat. “Stay still baby girl I got you,” Michael said. Then, he moved the ice around your swollen clit and licked at your juices. Your moans escaped and filled the room. Your head tilted back as the ice melted into you and Michael’s tongue glided across you. He brought his lips to your clit with the ice still between his teeth and sucked while his hands slowly reached your breast, grabbing ahold of them. 

“Mmm, Michael baby that feels so good,” you moaned and bit your lip. Michael teased your nipples and slowly swirled the ice around bringing you close to your high. Your legs rose and landed onto his shoulders. You’re hands gripped the tie and you arched your back as Michael sucked at your clit and his fingers entered you and started pumping in and out at steady pace. “M-michael baby oh my gosh,” you moaned, biting your lip. 

“Let it go baby, I wanna taste how sweet you are,” he mumbled against you. You screamed and grinded against his tongue, releasing your orgasm onto his tongue. You squirmed as you watched Michael sit up and lick his lips. He pulled his pants down and took off his shirt. His hard member almost pushing through his boxers, it was practically begging for release. He leaned over and untied your wrists. You twisted around on the bed and got on all fours. He eased off his boxers and smirked at you. “You want me baby? Hm?” he teased. You looked back at him and nodded, wiggling your bum toward him. 

“Please daddy. I’m so sorry for teasing you baby,” you moaned. Michael teased your wet cunt with his swollen red tip. Both of your moans filling the room, Michael’s hands rubbed your back and grabbed your waist. He slowly entered you, he growled and pulled you closer. 

“Fuck baby, I missed your tight pussy around my cock” he growled in your ear, pulling back and thrusting into you hard. Your moans filled this room, it sounded like music to Michael’s ear. He pounded you from behind, going hard and fast while his hands rubbed your body and grabbed your hair.

“Oh Michael, right there,” you moaned as he hit your g-stop over and over, making you clench around him.

“Fuck Y/N,” he moaned throwing his head back, gripping your waist, “God you feel so fucking good.” 

“F-fuck shit Michael I’m gonna cum again,” you almost screamed at the intense pleasure. Michael picked up his pace, bringing you to close to your high. You felt his hand wrap around and rub your clit. You screamed as you released on him and grabbed at the sheets. Michael groaned before emptying his load and pulling you close. He laid you down and spread your legs wide so they sat on his shoulders. His hand rubbed your swollen, sensitive clit and pushed his middle and ring finger inside of you. 

“OH FUCK!” your screamed as he pumped his fingers fast and licking at your clit. “Michael… shit I’m gonna cum again,” you moaned and grinded against his tongue. Michael moaned in response and kept the pace of his fingers. You gripped his hair and let your juices go, flowing onto his tongue. Your legs shook, your heart beating at almost a rapid pace. Michael licked his lips and sucked what remained of you off his fingers. He picked you up and laid you underneath the cover, sliding in next to you. You rested your head on his chest and he wrapped his arms around you. 

“I love you Y/N,” he mumbled against your forehead before leaving a small kiss.

“I love you too Mikey. And I promise I won’t be a tease anymore,” you smiled at him.

He chuckled and held you close, knowing that soon enough you’d be teasing him once more.

Exhibition notes

Here are Noel’s notes on the exhibition, written especially for the Royal Albert Hall.

He wore Dreams around unkind faces.

Titles for paintings i never got around to painting:
Zenith Fluid
Magic Theatre. Price of admission: Your Mind
Wicksy The Mod
White Tiger Takes a Sh*t in Rich Man’s Apartment
Skull of Silence
Memories of the Future
Ancient Space Man
Hummus Wolf
God’s a bit like your dad – he’s pretty laid back but occasionally he can go mental
Is that Vodka? No its a bottle of tears from all my comedowns

The initial idea for this show was to do a kind of pop-art version of paintings you see in dusty old mansions and castles in Scooby-Doo.

I originally wanted to call this show ‘The Lonely Prince’ – he is dotted throughout the exhibition. In a way I guess he represents me. Although I’m not lonely, and i’m not a prince.

I stole the actual title for this show (‘He Wore Dreams Around Unkind Faces’) off of the legend that is Jean Cocteau to appear slightly more clever than I actually am. Cocteau himself tossed off thousands of poetic beauties like this in one novel alone, The Miscreant.

I’d never used watercolours before in my life, it was a gamble, but i kept thinking…it’s only the Royal Albert Hall, so if it all goes wrong it’s only thousands of people who would see it.

My grasshopper mind couldn’t stick to the original idea, i was drifting out to sea like an unsupervised child on a lilo, heading to an island where people paint their Uber drivers without telling them.

Its an abuse of the Uber system to take the small profile picture of your friendly driver and use it to paint a portrait and hang it in the Royal Albert Hall…I know that. Its perverse and wrong. That’s why i did it. I couldn’t help myself.

What compelled me to start painting my Uber drivers? I have no idea. Perhaps its because I’d been so loyal to Addison Lee for so many years that every time i got inside an Uber it felt like i was having an affair. Plus, being able to see the driver’s name and tiny head coming towards you on a map made it all seem like a game. On the downside Uber drivers have even less idea where they are going than Addison Lee.

My lifetime’s work has been a struggle to combine the two things I love most in the world – art and comedy. My art has always been a bit funny, and my comedy, a tiny bit artistic. In hindsight i’m not sure its worked, in the words of The Hitcher “two powerful elements combined to make something not quite as good as either”. But at least i tried. Thanks for coming.

raven boy,
melt your smile back to gold
there is no place here
for your bottle broken insides or your shattered smile.
tuck your broken edges neatly away
and slink back to luxury.
bloodied knuckles and knives hidden in boots,
cuts long-since scarred from hurts long buried,
do not belong to the world you came out of.


say it with me raven boy,
“if this is love, i do not want it.”
because you can imagine the taste of him,
sweet like the first fresh breath of spring,
on your lips.
you dream about the way
his square fingered hands would feel
pressed into your corners.
raven boy
he is not yours to have
or yours to keep.
your barbed tongue
only ever draws his blood.


darling raven boy,
you were not bred to love.
he deserves more than a smashed up piece
from a broken machine.
you can only trick yourself so many times
into believing that the disgust
gleaming behind his eyes
is just a trick of the light.
he is missing something lovely,
and you are too hard to look at in the daylight


dear raven boy,
no one will miss you
when you go.

—  "raven boy, dip your quills in blood" - b.i. simek

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pre-blackout // so, I grew up darker than the rest of the kids & also taller than them. I used to get called the chocolate tootsie pop 😂😭. and I had really low self esteem .. & I grew up thinking I was ugly because my skin resembles the dirt. I wanted to be a white girl with white skin, and green eyes so bad. I sought after the European look. I joined tumblr 2 years ago & rekindled a friendship with a girl from elementary school & she introduced me to black tumblr. from that moment, every post, every blackout, every reblog of every man , woman & child made me feel better about my skin color. black is beautiful & always has been. You’re all beautiful & I have to keep bottles of water on standby because of the thirst, every picture that stumbles onto my daSh will receive a comment & a reblog. HAPPY BLACKOUT EVERYONE ! 💘

"she’d phone me drunk at 2 a.m.
at 3 a.m.
while her husband slept.

'it’s good to hear your voice,' she’d
say.

'it’s good to hear your voice too,' I’d
say.

what the hell, you
know.

she finally came down. I think it had
something to do with
The Chapparal Poets Society of California.
they had to elect officers. she phoned me
from their hotel.

'I’m here,' she said, 'we’re going to elect
officers.’

'o.k., fine,' I said, 'get some good ones.'

I hung up.

the phone rang again.
'hey, don’t you want to see me?'

'sure,' I said, 'what’s the address?'

after she said goodbye I jacked-off
changed my stockings
drank half a bottle of wine and
drove on out.

they were all drunk and trying to
fuck each other.

I drove her back to my place.

she had pink panties with
ribbons.

we drank some beer and
smoked and talked about
Ezra Pound, then we
slept.

it’s no longer clear to
me whether I drove her to
the airport or
not.

she still writes letters
and I answer each one
viciously
hoping to make her
stop.”


- Charles Bukowski, excerpt from “artists:”, Love Is A Dog From Hell

anonymous asked:

I am interested in hiring a full service sex worker, how do I go about finding someone ? Are there any tips for clients who want to be nice?

Check a local hobby board or review site or something like Eros or P411 those depend on your area.


So I can only say so much.


Wash your self head to toe, some of my clients like to shower once I arrive to give me peace of mind.

Leave the money in an envelope somewhere REALLY obvious, like pretend you’re walking into the room and if you don’t see it in 15 seconds, neither will she. That or the bathroom counter.

Have water and if YOU desire maybe a bottle of wine out but never pressure her to drink, simply offer, if she says no offer her water open either container in front of her. Never have it pre-opened.

From there she should be able to take the lead and make you feel at ease, try to be yourself and calm.

Have fun! 

Sex Workers are PERFECT.

My Vape Mail prize came today!

I want to give Kim Corcoran of Infinite Vaper a huge thank you for the bumped up goody pkg.  She knew I was dying to try the black licorice but I didn`t have a glass tank.. now I do.  I won 3x30ml bottles of juice but she gave me 5 + the tank & a cool T-shirt.  How sweet is that.

Thanks to Stinky Canuck, you guys rock!…. and my favourite place to be on Saturday nights, Clouded Judgement.

anonymous asked:

Any suggestions for larry discovering they like daddy kink?

Maybe This Time - "I just want to call you Daddy sometimes," Louis says again, and his initial bravery has buggered off somewhere, leaving just the frantic beating of his heart and the rest of this bottle of Jack Daniels. - (Louis does top once BUT this is probably one of the best daddy kink fics ever plus there are two more in the series)

Call Me Daddy - In which Harry is so fond of how small and tiny Louis is and decides to take advantage of that by bringing one of his fantasies to life.

Take Me Down - Louis and Harry explore Daddy!kink and subspace - (Louis never actually calls Harry daddy BUT this fic is reallyyyy good)

Simmer Down and Pucker Up - At times, Harry couldn’t believe how positively obedient Louis was. Such as, at the current moment, where Louis sat with his hands clasped firmly behind his back and his mouth open wide, half-lidded cerulean eyes practically begging to feel Harry’s come streak his cheeks. There was a wanting evident in his expression that Harry had etched into his memory and that delightfully haunted him each time he and Louis would interact in the public eye. Harry and Louis would lock gaze across the stage and all Harry could see is Louis on his knees, begging for his come, or underneath Harry, begging to come, and he almost wished that the world could see this side of Louis because then it would all make sense. It was the missing puzzle piece to the impressive enigma that was Louis Tomlinson and Harry was almost reluctant to be its sole keeper. Almost. - (Daddy kink is already established BUT this is a good fic)

Sizing Up Your Storm Clouds - Louis has been looking after Tessa since he was sixteen. Harry’s a man in a business suit who has loved his daughter’s babysitter for three whole years.

Yes, Master - Or when Louis seduces Harry in lace panties and Harry really likes being in control

I Think I’m Running Out Of Oxygen (and It Feels Good) - So, Louis accidentally finds out what Harry’s been watching for kind of porn. It’s daddy!kink and lace!kink. He decides to fulfill that for Harry.

Bring Your Body, Baby - Louis is a uni student who works as a stripper to pay his way. One night, his English professor, Harry, is there and Louis panics, not wanting anyone to find out what he does. He agrees to a month of doing whatever Harry wants to ensure that the man doesn’t tell. - (The central plot is not really the discovery of daddy kink BUT this is one of my favourite fics everrrrr. And the daddy kink is really hot)

And if you have something you need to say, I swear to god just tell me because I understand the need. I understand the pain of bottling it up. I understand the pain of being about to say something and then being let down. Don’t hold it in. Tell me.

shastrakarma replied to your post:the best part about watching people try to do the…

We don’t mean to get in the way of anything already there. If you would like us to change times we can, if not, you’re incredibly active and any fitness or early running tips would be appreciated.

  • grab something light the night before at the great hall to eat before you run. 

  • drink about a third of a bottle of water before you go out there. drink the rest when you get back.

  • stretch. and not some sissy stretching for 10 seconds like a full out fucking stretch. don’t skip out on that shit.

  • keep your alarm out of reach. you’re not going to want to wake up in the morning but you have to. every day. at the same time. no exceptions.

  • run no matter what. is it raining? who fucking cares put on a wind breaker. snow? i don’t give a shit you keep running. “but the pitch is frozen over” what the fuck did i just say? no exceptions.

  • add some extra workout in your cool down. pushups, crunches, etc. just cardio isn’t going to do you shit. you have to supplement it.

  • take a fucking shower before going to the great hall. no one wants to smell your sweaty asses while we’re trying to eat breakfast.

  • if you see or hear me running behind you get out of my way.

Lelia had been secretly liking him and today was the day that she would confessed to him. Smiling at Talan. Batting those fake eyelashes. Smiling. That smile was fake, but Talan was too clueless about it. Good. Lelia prefer him to be clueless as she wants to use him for her own purposes. She doesn’t want to be alone anymore and wants someone to be loyal to her forever. And Talan seem to fit the bill.

Talan: Something up? Your smiling?

Lelia: Yes, I’d fallen in love with you Talan and I want to be with you!

Talan frown and gets up to start at the wall, shakes his head no. He couldn’t believe it. He wasn’t in no shape to be in a relationship. He’s a drunk.. Well he haven’t touch a bottle in months. Breathing through his nose and turn around, softly smiled at Lelia. Whom didn’t like that look. She gets up too and started crying loudly with the fake tears and all. Talan tries to hug her but she pushed his hand away. But Talan notice the fake hopeless look on her face.

Talan: Your faking it.

I know you don’t
want to read this

so I’ll keep it short

uncork the bottle
and let it go

out with the sadness,
in with the good times

life is short, and but
a passing thought

and you’re always on my mind

a lifetime in 3 seconds

a lifetime of loving you…

34. Vacation

"You sure you’re okay watching her for a week? It’s not too late to put her in a kennel."

"Avery, don’t worry about it." Avery was thankful for Rachel. One day in between meetings with clients Avery was complaining about how since Clay and Quinn were both going to LA with her they needed someone to watch Jude and Rachel offered.

"You are amazing.. thank you so much."

She handed Rachel the bag that was holding all of Jude’s food, her treats, a six pack of Miller Light and a bottle of wine. Avery wanted to make sure Rachel knew just how much she appreciated it.. if it wasn’t for Rachel, Jude would have had to stay in a kennel and Avery didn’t like the idea of that.

"Okay.. I need to go, Clay and Quinn are waiting on me."

"How is it with Clay?" Rachel asked.

"I mean.. it’s okay. He apologized and I accepted it but it’s not the same. He doesn’t approve of Harry so now I feel like I can’t tell my best friend what’s going on with us, which is killing me. It’s hard.. we’re walking on egg shells around each other and it sucks because he’s my best friend; I’m hoping these couple of weeks will do us good.. I hope well be able to get back to where we used to be."

The three were flying out of New York and going to LA for Macy and Adam’s wedding festivities. The girls had Macy’s shower and bachelorette party and Clay was going to Adam’s bachelor party. For the rest of the time after the shower the trio is going to be staying at Avery’s grandparents old condo. She was excited to spend some alone time with them; it would be just the three of them, no Harry, no talk of Harry, just Avery and her two best friends. She was looking forward to it.

"Okay, I really have to go now." She called Jude over one last time and said her goodbye. She knew Jude had no idea what was going on. Jude didn’t know why she was at a new house, Avery knew Jude didn’t understand her when she told her that she was only going to be gone for a week and that she was coming back for her. But to Avery, telling Jude what was going on made it easier for her.

"Have fun, don’t worry ill send you lots of pictures of Jude everyday."

*

Nothing’s changed.. the smell of fresh lemons was still in the air as soon as they walked into the condo. The furniture was the same as it was two years ago when she came over last.

Wooden paneling, white carpets, leather furniture, pictures hanging up on every wall, flat screen TV hanging up above the fireplace. The double doors leading out to the beach still her favorite part of the house.

She couldn’t wait to open them first thing in the morning.. she would get her coffee and her book and sit on the patio and read. She would watch as people ran up and down the beach. She’ll promise herself that she’ll go for a run, but she never will. Instead she’ll sit in the hot tub and relax.

This is a vacation. She reminded herself.

This was her time to get away, to relax. She’s not going to worry about her internship or paparazzi following her around. She’s going to sit around, drink and watch her brother get married.

The condo looked exactly the same as it has since she was younger. Her parents used to bring Adam and Avery over all the time, they would run around on the beach, run through her grandparents house playing tag and knocking lamps over. Her grandma just laughed every time it happened; telling their grandfather that they were kids and they needed to run around.

"This.." Avery walked over to the fireplace. "Was where Adam ran into when he was ten.. split right above his eyebrow open.. there was blood everywhere. He was screaming, my mom was screaming.. my grandpa sat there.." She pointed to the leather sofa ten feet in front of the fireplace. "and shook his head while reading the newspaper. I laughed, I thought it was funny until I realized how hurt he was."

She walked up the wooden stairs.. her hand running along the handrail. “One of you can stay in this room..”

She opened the door to the first room. Her childhood room.. pink blankets with a pink canopy above it. Pictures of Zac Efron lined the walls. “I was a girly girl.” When she was eleven her parents let her stay over for three weeks and she was so excited because she came over to her own room.. with her own bed and her own toys, her own space. A view of the ocean.. she went to sleep and woke up to the water hitting the shore.

"Or.." She walked down the hall and opened double doors. "You guys can stay in here with me."

The master suite.

A king sized bed, white blankets, a TV on the wall, another set of double doors, leading out to another patio.. the bathroom was attached. The shower had glass doors and inside was granite. There were two sinks right next to each other.. so her grandma and grandpa could both be in there at the same time.

She loved the room.. it was her favorite. She loved how elegant it was.. it was simple but it was huge.

*

She was unpacking.. Clay and Quinn were already done so they put on their suites and went out to the water. Avery promised she would join as soon as she was done. Harry was on her mind, she was wondering where he was.. what he was doing, if he was thinking about her and that made it really hard to unpack. She wondered if she would see him while she was in town.

She hasn’t heard from him all morning. He sent her a good morning text that morning, she replied but hasn’t heard anything back yet.

Her phone was in her hand.. her mind was at war with her heart, trying to decide whether or not she should text him. Her mind said no, it told her to wait for his reply.. don’t bother him. But her heart, it told her to text him. To tell him that she misses him and she’s in LA. Her heart wants her to see Harry while she’s here.

Ultimately, after ten minutes at war her heart won.

To: Harry Styles.
Hey, I’m in LA and I’d like to see you while I’m here. Let me know.

That’s when she decided.. to hell with packing. She’s hoping that her and Clay will be able to get back to where they were and that’s not going to happen when she’s packing and he’s outside in the water.

She grabbed her suite and went into the bathroom. Minutes later she was in her bikini and in the water with her two best friends. Clay picked her up and tossed her under after she worked with Quinn to dunk him. She screamed and pleaded with him but it didn’t work, he dunked her anyways.

They were laughing and having a good time.

They were out there for an hour.. when they went inside after she changed and showered she reached for her phone. Her heart was beating. She was excited to see Harrys response.. to talk to him.. to spend time with him.

She picked up her phone and the screen lit up.

NO NEW MESSAGES.

-

so i got some feedback on wattpad and it looks like there is probably going to be a sequel. yay.. i still have to totally make up my mind. anyways leave feedback and let me know what you thinks going to happen next. :)

a short dragon age au, and the long explanation for how it came about, or: how i productively use my spare brain-power at work

So last night, the very lovely noseforahtwo and I had the following conversation:

noseforahtwo: Holy shit this bar.
Holy shit, bearded hipsters berating each other for their questionable choices in Saisons. [She sends picture of Scotch egg she is eating to distract herself from irritating bar-talk. I note that the photo is very brightly-lit, but not by a flash.]
me: What the hell kind of bar are you at, where there’s actual lighting?! My dream is to find a bar where there’s some damn lights and the music isn’t so loud you have to shout.
her: It IS brightly lit over the bar, now that you mention it. Maybe to better identify your hipster beer bottle choices? I dunno.
me: Yeah, you wouldn’t want to accidentally swallow plebeian beer. I hear that stuff makes your beard shrink back into your face. [It is at this point that I have a terrible thought.]
…Modern AU where Blackwall runs a hipster bar/microbrewery. (He didn’t mean for it to be a hipster bar, and he hasn’t really noticed that’s what it’s become, which is part of why it’s so popular with hipsters.) Dorian is the heir to a famous foreign distillery. Varric works in advertising. Vivienne is a food and wine critic. The Iron Bull is a bouncer. Sera is a bartender and if you piss her off she will do horrific, creative things to your drink. Solas is a super-shady nutritional anthropologist who doesn’t seem to have an actual job. Cassandra runs a food truck for a Higher Purpose!! Cole is underage but he’s so tall nobody bothers to ID him. And the Inquisitor just opened up the Asian takeout place next door to all this madness.
her: I enthusiastically support this AU. Mostly for perturbed Blackwall tavern owner plus Dorian gin scion.

And then today at work, this happened:

Her feet dangled from the bar-stool, but that was nothing new. “I’m just saying, there’s a reason your clientele look like models for Lumberjack Monthly.”

From halfway across the room, where he was intently studying the decor, Dorian called, “They really do.”

"There is no such thing," Blackwall protested.

“You may take it on my good authority that there is,” Dorian called again, then sniffed. “It takes all kinds, I suppose.”

She went on: “I overheard you having a ten minute conversation with a customer about the very particular type of oak wood some whiskey distillery uses for its barrels. You gave him driving directions to get there.” He didn’t seem to follow. “It was 600 miles away.”

He huffed, and wiped another glass clean. “This is a bar, Cadash. Some conversations about alcohol and the making of it are to be expected.”

She leveled a look at him, but before she could make a retort, Dorian called back, “Blackwall?”

“Yes?”

“Did you actually make these tables?”

“I did,” he said. “What of it?”

Across the room, Dorian and Cadash exchanged a Look. She turned back to Blackwall. “That’s… that’s exactly what we’re talking about, hon.” Lumberjacks. Maker bless ‘em.

in the vein of gallows humor, once while my mom was in her last days, my dad and i were unloading groceries from the car and he wanted to leave the dying person’s bottled water in the trunk because we didn’t need it right away and i said, you’re not supposed to leave bottled water in the car when it’s hot out and he said why and I said, because it causes cancer. and we laughed our asses off for like twenty minutes.

trudyinwonderland asked:

5,12,17,26,37,42,48,50,51,56,58,66,81,17

5. Are you in love?

yes

12. Do you forgive betrayal?

no but I just keep it all bottled up and write about it and I just get mad on paper I don’t know

17. Do you like kissing in public?

same

26. Has anyone told you they don’t want to ever lose you?

ya

37. Have you ever liked someone who your friends hated?

no???

42. How long can you just kiss until your hands start to wander?

this question sounds sexual but like I feel like people just want to touch people to feel closer to them and like just feel them and remember their shape and stuff

50. If your first true love knocked on your door with apology and presents, would you accept?

first true love is current love tbh

51. Is there a boy/girl who you would do absolutely everything for?

yes probably

56. State 8 facts about your body

I have a weird scar thing on my chest/stomach
I have a lot of scars on my upper thighs
I have four stick and pokes
my hair is super duper damaged because of all the dye and abuse it’s received
I’d have really nice full lips if I didn’t compulsively pick at them all the time
one of my nipples is bigger than the other
I have a birthmark on my butt
I have a really cool belly button omg

58. What are five ways to win your heart?

five ways??? idk man I actually really don’t know does anybody ever actually think “this is how u win my heart”

66. What is your favourite roleplay?

same

81. Who are five people you find attractive?

me, me, me, me, and daddy