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My Christmas/Christmas Eve

This is late, but I just made this blog for stuff like this. This is my first post.

My name is Riley and I had some awful dysphoria on Christmas and Christmas Eve. Riley is not my birth name, though I intend to legally change it within the next year or so. So, I’m at my grandmother’s house for a Christmas Eve party and she had promised to start calling me Riley. All I kept getting was “-birth name-!” “She -insert whatever-” It hurt, because I explained to her what genderqueer was and whatnot, but that was completely forgotten.

So, I decided to let it out and cry in a room upstairs where no one would bother me.

My little sister walked in five minutes later, said “I’m looking for toys”, then left after looking around. I cried for a good twenty minutes on how I wish I could identify as one gender or the other, but knew that just being one or the other just WASN’T me.

But it didn’t end that night.

I went to a Christmas party the next day and I got the same treatment. It wasn’t as bad, though. My dad explained to me that he wasn’t going to call me Riley until he was sure it wasn’t a phase or anything (which I respect, mind you), but I was still very depressed and uncomfortable that day.

All I know is it’s hard to mention my name is Riley to people during holidays. How do you do it? It’s not like I can say “Hello! How are you? Please call me Riley instead of my birth name!” without getting the weirdest looks from family around me. Granted, most of my family doesn’t know I’m genderqueer, but I mainly see them during a holiday of some sort. I can never find a way to slip into a conversation “I’m genderqueer” without it being an inappropriate part of the conversation. And I have tried the name tag thing. It was very much ignored. I’ll figure out something, though. That’s all it takes.

And I never intended to make this post so long. I’ll end this now.