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Worst of 2011: Retrospective by Couchgirl

Couchgirl, who’s also here on Tumblr, gives Worst Board an exclusive retrospective about life in the Autonomous Principality of Chubby. It’s all soppy and stuff, you should probably skip the significant other bits because everybody knows the only guys on 4chan are betas or cock-posters. Once you’re done, give her Tumblr a read because she has the exact sort of talent that I’m looking for for an illustrator for a book I’m doing. /hint

This year, I started my career as a chubby thread camwhore on /soc/. I am still unsure as to my motivations, it probably has a lot to do with my deep-seated daddy issues. It began as something titilating and almost thrilling. Then it became a social exercise; I talked to anons and fellow camwhores, I fed many trolls. Fun was had all around. I recieved all the attention one would expect to recieve doing such a thing, but it’s what I didn’t expect that really blew out me out of the water.

This year, on /soc/, I befriended people I would have otherwise never met. No. 9 From the chubby threads being one of the more notable ones. A bunch of the other girls I’m quite close with. 

But most signifigantly, this year on /soc/ I met my signifigant other. I know, I know, It’s like some kind of sick twisted 21st century drug store romance novel gone wrong. If you had asked me one year ago if I would put myself in the position I am today, I probably would have very obnoxiously scoffed at the idea. 

We’re moving in together in a few months, as soon as I have enough cash to haul ass across the country. Call me crazy, call me straight up stupid. Although I’m inclined to agree with you on both counts, but I am totally in love and what you say doesn’t matter. Nerny-nerny-boo-boo. Take that realists.

So that’s what I did this year on /soc/.

Couchgirl’s retrospective is the penultimate one in the series of retrospectives: the final 2011 Worst Board retrospective goes live tomorrow. (We still also have the Worst Invention and Worst Board awards to give out, too.) Read the previous retrospectives:

Introducing Worst Board's Internet Superheroes: Bingo

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Preface by the editor
Worst Board, Inc., is a serious business with serious visions and missions and more. We’re dedicated to exposing faggotry and uprooting whoreyness. We’re pledged to raising awareness to the 4chan Foundation for Cancer. We’re the heralds leading the way to make /soc/ great.

Naturally, this sort of mission-critical responsibility means I can’t do it alone. So, by trolling contact threads, ideal partner threads, fat threads, footfag threads, small dick threads, average dick threads, cuckold threads, open shirt threads and molestation story threads, I’ve had the privilege of assembling the world’s greatest team to build Worst Board with me.

In the past I’ve generally hired interns by the dozen and fired them based on reasons such as their inability to speak Australian-accented english at will, or their inability to run across town to get coffee from my favorite hipster cafe in less than twenty minutes, or their need to ask repetitive questions like “What do you mean you want me to write a 1,500 word feature story on Castiel’s pussy? How am I supposed to do that?”

All that’s changed. As part of my parole agreement I’ve decided to cut down on unnecessary expenditures, like extraneous interns. I’m left with seven, and I think they’re all highly qualified young men and women. Except the balding old guy in the sweatsuit over there. He’s… well, I’ll introduce him in a bit, okay?

Introduction posts are queued twice daily.

—Ed.

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Bingo

Found wandering around in a camwhore dump thread asking every poster with a girl photo to please please please post a sign pic of “BINGO <3”, Bingo is the youngest and newest of our editorial interns.

We’re legally obligated to not disclose his actual age or location, because if we do he might get banned on 4chan, thus affecting his ability to cover /soc/ for Worst Board. We can, however, reveal that he is a graduated summerfag who first found /soc/ in August and has never been the same since.

Bingo’s primary forte is adding people from contact threads, but only if they list their gender as F. He has at least seven tabs on /soc/ open at any given time, all contact threads. Ever seen that anon who bumps contact threads like a motherfucker, even though it’s 5.30am EST and nobody’s fucking online? That’s Bingo.

For Worst Board, Bingo will be covering Skype threads, AIM threads, Skype-and-AIM threads, contact threads and handling the user complaints division. As the primary reporter for the Interactivity Desk, he directly reports to Prhln. His column, “Adventures in AIM Threads”, will chronicle the people he talks to, adds, and shamelessly asks for tit pics of.

You can contact Bingo by writing to worstboard@gmail.com, or adding him on AIM at worstbored. Females only, no homo.

Editorial: A LEGION OF NAMEFAGS

/soc/ — Moot’s removal of tripcodes in March [note: check for exact date] was widely hailed as a progressive step forward for a tripfag-infested board. But weeks on, has it actually done any good?

There are, of course, the fanatics that believe the original vision of 4chan (>implying 4chan has an original vision —ed.) is a community of purely anonymous users; while vocal on other boards, only a very small fringe of /soc/ posits this opinion. The majority of Social have accepted that tripfaggotry is a fact of life.

There is a culture of tripfagging (Worst Board editorial style prefers the term tripfag over namefag even with the removal of tripcodes) that is deeply ingrained into the board.

Daily /soc/ crush threads make for the worst excesses of this culture. Anons and tripfags alike bask in the stains and stench of reacharound central. It’s mainstream to appreciate tripfags who contribute little other than attention whoring posts and photos. Not even /r9k/, Social’s legendarily shitty predecessor, had reached that depths of tolerance and acceptance of attention whore pandering. (Or did it?)

/soc/ hit its extreme nadir when attention-deprived tripfag konstantine embarked on a project to create a tripfag roulette: essentially a photo board of a hundred known tripfags on the board, for users to roll and crush on. Disgusting.

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Every single person who rolls in these threads are faggots. The people depicted within are faggots too, but that goes without saying.

Worst Board is grateful that the tripfag roulette only rarely rears its head — and hopes the /soc/ crush thread goes this path soon — but its very existence is a blot confirming Social’s position as the worst board on the internet. A week of jockeying and jostling and attention-seeking from the worst of /soc/’s users to make sure they had a spot in the roulette: in essence, placing them in the cool kids’ clique of /soc/. Of course, some tripfags were already in a position to not need to jockey: who hasn’t heard of mfw or Captain Hook? Legit cool kids in a schoolyard of poseurs and needy sluts?

That’s a logical fallacy, dear readers. There’s no such thing as a good tripfag. One could even say the only good tripfag is a dead one. (Or a doxxed one, but that’s a story for a later day.)

The point is, /soc/’s culture of tripfaggotry is something that isn’t going to die soon. Most of us would be glad for it to die. Attention whoring, be it in camwhoring, thread hijacking, faux-intellectual discourse, is the reason we’re the leper colony of 4chan. Have some fucking decency, /soc/. An empty appeal by your fellows at Worst Board.