Lost for words..

Here I am sitting with my arms folded not knowing what to write.. I can’t fathom the words to complete my sentence and form this post. It’s funny how my cat just flops in front of my computer attempting to relay a message that he hopes I’ll understand and all the while instead of giving him the love he desires, I move him aside.. sorta like I do people.

Nothing I’m proud of I promise you, but in some cases it’s key to remaining sane and happy. We all long for love and affection and attention and worry but are never bold enough to actually seek and take the responsibility of maintaining something so rare, and let’s face it.. that just isn’t me. Maybe I’ve succumbed to defining myself as a Gemini to a point where knowing who I am is no longer in my hands.. Maybe I’ve become so self-centered that I hide who I want to be by avoiding the obvious and giving in.. whatever the case may be, maybe I should allow myself to actually self-set in clarity and find a driven purpose.. but how?

The more people speak..

the less I try to listen. Why? It makes me question my life in a way that’s rather depressing, but in no way am I depressed.. understand? I value the ideas and opinion of others, in some form, but when it starts to touch on the aspects of my personal life/”goals”.. I just want to shut down because I’m not prepared for that and I am not up to the task of beginning that type of conversation. I just want to live in the now! Is that such a problem?

Sometimes I write to hear my thoughts out loud..

but unlike you, I write with a hopeful reason of someone finding truth in my words and bringing them back to someday teach me my own life lesson. Never really happens though.

Goodnight.

goodbye.

as I sit in my bed with two weeks left til my departure.. 

I can do nothing but remember. 

This time it’s different. 

In the beginning I counted down the days in anticpation of getting done with what was and not considering the outcome of what would happen.

And in my misguided path of searching for something to call my own, I fell upon much greater aspects of a new life with people I never knew could affectingly make me feel loved. 

This place has become more than a job, more than the just because.. I have something so real here and it saddens me to have to say goodbye. But as time is never set to go back, I have to press forward knowing I can find security and acceptance wherever. With hope, by chance, I shall stumble upon yet another opportunity worth creating lasting moments to remember and look back on and smile and laugh and cry. 

this is my goodbye.

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