w:etc

I wish that I could explain clearly how remembering things often works for some people with Aspergers, specifically myself.  I forget to do things.  I don’t do this on purpose.  I don’t like that my brain throws away information it thinks it doesn’t need just like that.  I hate it.  I hate every effect it has, both on myself and other people and inconveniencing them.

I don’t enjoy being nothing other than a thorn in people’s side, or an annoyance, or seen as intellectually inferior.  I don’t enjoy people having to tell me to do something more than once.  I don’t like them being upset.  I don’t like getting upset by the fact that I forgot.  Every time, it’s upsetting and I’m angry at myself for forgetting even if all I do is say “oh, yeah, okay!”.

I don’t control this.  This is how I function.  I cannot do anything about it - whether I’m asked to remember something one time or three hundred times, it doesn’t make a difference.

I don’t know how to bring this up.  I feel like saying “hey this is an aspie thing and it’s always been a really big problem for me, I’ll keep trying to remember but please understand ‘this and that’ is how my brain works and here’s why, etc” is going to be seen as me making an excuse, or trying to start conflict, and either/both of those just completely decimate any choice I’d make to mention it.  It’s terrifying.  It’s ice that I know is too thin to hold me if I walk on it, so there’s no point in trying to see if I can stand on it in the first place.  I hate conflict, I hate that I’m like this, I try to take responsibility for everything.

I can tell when something I forget to do annoys someone over time.  Reading people is harder for me than it is for a lot of other people, but it’s not impossible.  I’ve gotten good at it.  I can tell when someone is angry or annoyed at me when they don’t outright say it.  It makes me feel like shit.  Just because I have problems with communication and reading expressions doesn’t mean someone can act however they want, constantly, over time, without me being able to tell how they feel.

I’m not a hindrance.  Everyone is different.  No one exists to be a convenience to anyone else.  Just because someone does things differently from you and accidentally forgets to do things doesn’t mean they’re doing it on purpose, or that they’re bad.

I’m a good person.  I hate conflict.  I don’t even usually want to be around other people.  I don’t want anything to do with other people.  I want to be left alone with my game projects.  That’s it.  That’s all I want.  I only act out when I feel attacked, maybe too much, like one of those honey bears when you go in their territory.  But even then, I try my best to stay calm and get to the heart of whatever the problem is, and that’s a hell of a lot better that the self-hating mess who couldn’t stand up for himself years ago.

  • me:*sees adorable, cute, cuddly pairing who treat each other really well*
  • me:otp.
  • me:*sees two characters who constantly argue and compete and insult each other but are still kinda friends*
  • me:otp.