i promised myself i wouldnt apologize for my choice but we both know i’d do anything to feel like you love me.
i’m not sure if you even love me at all. i often wonder if you ever did and i’m scared of finding out the answer.
i thought it would be different this time. i thought maybe i could make you proud enough that you’d forget i’m my mother’s daughter, that you’d ignore the scars i dont show but you know i have, that you’d forgive me for needing chemicals to function, for feeling so much and saying so little, for being so scared…
the day you told me when i went back you wouldn’t help me ever again i cried my eyes dry and punched walls until my blood dried too.
the day you asked me if this was the life i wanted for myself i couldnt find the words to tell you that this is all the life i’d ever get so when you said i didnt need the pills i nodded and only ever cried when i was on my own. i was on my own a lot the past two years. i was on my own a lot the past eight years.
when you said you didnt think i even liked you i didnt have the strength to say i felt the same towards you so i whispered that i loved you and that i’d always had and always would. i never told you how much it hurt to know you’d doubt that.
you acted like i was a burden to you, like i owed you everything i had, like i would never amount to anything worth your time and i know it’s true so i repeat it to myself in the mirror every single day.
everybody says i have communication issues when it comes to you, but i know it’s because i always feel unworthy and i’d kill to make you proud of me. today was the first time i ever said out loud that all i wished for all my life was for you to love me and i dont think i’ve ever wanted to disappear more badly.
ever since i was a little girl i wanted to be just like you when i grew up but as i grew older “just like your father” was the one insult that made my skin crawl because i wanted it to mean a good thing so badly even though i knew it didn’t.
what hurts the most is that i’m just like you. i have your arrogance, your argumentative skills, your eyes, your selfishness, your terrible eyesight, your hands… but it’ll never be enough for you to love me.