I don’t even know how to describe how I’m feeling in my body nowadays.
- I’m actively trying to get pregnant.
- I have PCOS, and my partner is not capable of getting me pregnant directly.
- This means I get to be on drugs! Currently I’m on Vivelle-Dot, metformin, and occasional shots of hCG.
- Yes, shots of the pregnancy hormone.
- Due to a series of sitcom-like hilarity, I’m now dating a cis dude (my partner’s husband), who is willing to assist with me getting pregnant. This does actually contribute to gender stuff.
I’d been gaining a bit of weight anyhow due to age, lifestyle, and better food in my life. With these drugs, I am like the Platonic ideal of a pre-pregnancy woman. I’m agender, so, imagine my delight.
I’ve gone up a bra size. I have stretch marks like whoa. I jiggle constantly. It’s fucking absurd; I’m conscious of my body like all the time, and it sucks forever. Plus I’m constantly worried that the shots of hCG might shift my gender identity and what if I start caring about my own gender, ugh.
(I really hope I’m getting this across: other people’s genders are their own, and I respect them. I personally derive a great deal of pleasure in not having one, and I hope to continue not having one, is what I mean.)
I already knew I’d be in for body changes, what with the getting pregnant thing and all. However, right now I am experiencing body changes in preparation for possibly getting pregnant, which is very abstract for this poor concrete kitty. I predict that I will find all of this easier to bear (har) once I actually am pregnant, as I’ll have a daily reminder that I’m doing this for a good, obvious, tangible reason.
In the interim, my body has never quite felt like mine, and now it’s even less mine. Thank fuck I’m such a nerd I barely pay attention to my body; it’s the only thing keeping me from flipping completely out about this.