No, not you, you

I fucking love you because you’re perfect. Absolute perfection. Your flaws were hand crafted by the lord himself to make you believe you are like us. But you aren’t. And you hate it when we say that, because its true, and you know it. Shhh. I hear what you are thinking. Relax. This isn’t about you. No not you, you. I miss you, because you are comfort. You are peace you are serenity. You balance my madness, calm my anger, ease my tension, warm my soul. No not you, you! You humble me with inspiration. I strive to think like you, I want your reason, I need your logic. I need your love, so I will gladly take you however I can have you. Don’t be mad if you happen to read this. I had to write it. Don’t question me about it, its not about you. No it’s not you, but you.

sigh

drip after drip, trip after trip

thought after thought, drop after drop

until im full! filled of things i feel

things i feel i should not feel but they fill me still

until they break my thick skin and leave me unpeeled…

they scare me…. im yellow

cowering i try to chill; they wont let me mellow

HELL NO! they say hello dear fellow 

and scream from within me like a kettle 

………………… i get so steamed.

i hate the feel of feelings

My life, their lyrics

You can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness
Like resignation to the end, always the end
So when we found that we could not make sense
Well you said that we would still be friends
But I’ll admit that I was glad it was over

But you didn’t have to cut me off
Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing
And I don’t even need your love
But you treat me like a stranger and that feels so rough
No you didn’t have to stoop so low
Have your friends collect your records and then change your number
I guess that I don’t need that though
Now you’re just somebody that I used to know

sigh

I tried to be the one that was always there for you. Lifting your spirits, making you laugh, listening to any and every problem or thought you needed to express, fighting off your depression and low self esteem, showing you how perfect you are.. just as you are, checking on you, loving you. Not because i had to, i needed to know you were okay because i care about you more than anything. I wanted to be the one that was always there, and i was. I still want to, but you you pushed and pushed and the pain is so unbearable that i… broke. Now i cant and it kills me. to think about you all the time and try to understand how you just don’t.. think of me? Your love dried up faster than a tear in the desert.. that desert, that was my heart, was filled with a love so strong for you that it was only rivaled by the love oasis in your heart for me.. was it really a mirage? Either way the damage is done, and i in no way see myself as the victim. I understand the reason of choice, just not the execution of it. But fuck it, i swallow my pride and reach out to you and although its far from what we had, it makes me so happy when you reply. we converse a bit then it dies.. back up comes my pride to protect and hide my heart and soul from the woes.. So now i just wonder and hope. Wonder if you are okay. If you are still on track chasing your dreams. If you are happy,and hope that you are. 

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