video:goodenough

I had a vision of a criminal
empire built on the shattered
bodies and psyches of my whimpering
enemies but I was never
good enough

I wanted you to love me
with all your dismissive disapproval
to that end I poured myself into the mold
that you described with your body language
with your rage and self loathing
wanted you to love
the crazy brilliance of my deformity
the sullen burning of my brood
the giddy melancholy of my surrender

and, if not that, then at least

the flat and tortured song
of my disguise
but I guess I wasn’t
good enough

I had a vision of an ascetic
retreat stripped of all creature
comforts and reduced to the bare
essentials but I didn’t want to be
good enough

I wanted you to love me
in all your simmering, nihilistic glory
so I subscribed to your inverted version
of our history together
with your narcissistic fingers
with your broken mirrors and razor sharp
soliloquies
wanted you to love
the oaken wisdom of my experience
the lapping gentle of my waves
the plaintive sadness of my whispers

and, if not that, then at least

the tame and Pyrrhic victory
of my entombment
but you didn’t find that
good enough

I had a vision of a peaceful
commune filled to overflowing
with the smiling faces and beaming
smiles of the few I’d choose
to love but there was no place
good enough

I wanted you to love me
even though I couldn’t
love you back with anything close
to the vehemence and need
you wrapped me in as if
you were tying me to the bed
wanted you to love
my ridicule and indifference
my acrobatic brush-offs and escapes
my self-satisfied sermons

and, if not that, then at least

the glacial brilliance
of my betrayal
for you yourself said
that you’d never been
good enough

I had a vision of an ethical
man who stood for something
greater than the sum
total of all his human
failings but there was no one
good enough

I want you to love me
to the limits of your imperfection
and I will do the same
for you, my sweet
want you to love me
with your completeness and your absence
with your health and your disease
with your crystal sanity
and with your murky
madness

and, if not that, then at least

your permission
for you and I were never
good
but bound together
it seems we may be
good enough

I have a vision of a world
I hope the vision’s
good enough

— 

Max Mundan, Good Enough

© David Rutter 2014

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