I want a new cell phone. Mine is getting old and you sent me a lovely text message some months ago saying I’m eligible for an upgrade. So I head over to the closest store, eagerly anticipating the joy of comparing stats and reviews and forking over a couple hundred dollars and walking out with a new cell phone in hand. I am not being facetious. I actually do enjoy shopping for tech.
I am now in week two of cell phone hell.
You see, I have an unlimited data plan. I got this unlimited plan a long time ago when I lived in a city where Verizon was literally the only option and I’ve been happy with your service so far. You don’t drop calls, after all, and while your 4G service blows donkey balls, it’s at least consistent in getting me the data I request.
Unless it’s raining. At which case we’re all fucked.
Although, after my recent experiences, I do wonder if you’re secretly throttling the data of all the remaining unlimited plans. It wouldn’t surprise me at this point. But, regardless of the reason why your data is slower than a giraffe trying to run a marathon with its head stuck up its ass, it’s always there.
Unless it rains.
So I figured, hey, I’ll stick with the devil I know. Plus, the only carrier worth shit around here is AT&T and they don’t have unlimited data either. Believe me, I checked. I checked with everyone I knew and all the reviews online to see if there were ANY option other than Verizon after my experience in your store.
You see, I love my unlimited data. So when the sales guy in your store told me, with the hopeless look in his eyes of someone that knows he’s just been screwed by his upper management because there is no fucking way he can do anything other than piss the customer off, that I couldn’t upgrade my phone without losing my unlimited data, I immediately ruled a new phone through Verizon off my list of options.
It’s not that I need unlimited data. It’s that I enjoy not having to worry about it.
But someone in your bloated carcass of a company thought, yanno, our swimming pools of cash aren’t gold-plated. Time Warner has gold-plated swimming pools. Why don’t we have gold-plate yet? And then you all sat down and figured out how best to bleed every drop of blood out of your customer base like the parasitic leeches you are.
Data caps are a brilliant invention. We pay you for data we don’t use and then pay you again if we have the audacity to use up all that data. And then we get the additional stress of having to monitor our data usage instead of using our phones any damn way we please. I had to monitor my text message usage a year ago and every time it got near the limit there were phrases like ‘cock-sucking locust’ being tossed around. (hint: you’re the cock-sucking locust) It’s not about over-burdening the network, either. The average person’s data usage is on the low side of the spectrum. No, you implemented these plans because you could make more money on them.
And you are. You certainly are. When you swapped over you told all us unlimited people that the new plans would save us money! We’d only pay for what we used!
You lying sacks of shit.
The guy in the store told me the data cap plan I’d need would cost me $5 more a month. I laughed in his face and walked out. Of course, my laugh had that hysterical tinge of, ‘you have got to be fucking kidding me they aren’t even trying to hide the fact they’re ripping me off anymore’ to it, but it still felt good to literally laugh in someone’s face and then leave. The last time I got to do that was when a coworker asked me out and it felt really good then, too. I checked online and the website claimed it would cost me $10 more a month. More hysterical laughter. And your twitter representative claimed it would be the same price. At that point, I’d pretty much given up and hope and was just wasting their time because why the hell not?
Regardless of what the reality is: NONE OF THESE SAVE ME MONEY.
Do I need to draw you a diagram? Do the math for you and break it down by how much per gig of data I’d be paying?
Assuming I’m interpreting this math right (it’s been quite a few years since I took fancy math in college), the unlimited data plan has the cheaper price per gig because as my data uses increases, the cost approaches 0. Mathematically speaking, it is impossible for your data cap plans to save me money. (again, assuming I’m interpreting this right) Oh, sure, from terms of overall cost there’s a couple data plans that would save me money because I’d be paying less each month - but those aren’t the plans that would work for me. The best you could offer was matching my current monthly cost.
Needless to say, I won’t be getting a new contract with you rancid piles of expelled uterine lining. And the day you manage to finally force me off my grandfathered unlimited data is the day I give you the middle finger - again - and walk out and over to AT&T. Yes, they don’t have unlimited data. But if I’m going to get fucked over by a company, I’m going to make sure my money is lining your competitor’s pockets.
I used to like Verizon. I’d say nice things on your surveys. I’d tell other people how great your service was. I even convinced my mother to get a Verizon plan when she wanted to get a cell phone! I regret that now. And let me make this absolutely clear: I have nothing against your employees. The people I’ve interacted with had the personality of people who’s hope and joy of life has been forcibly removed through their nostrils, true, but I’m pretty sure that’s the result of your policies. It’s corporate that I take issue with and believe me, I hate you dog-fuckers now.
So anyway, I thought - okay. I can buy my own device and just port everything over to it. I start calling around and after quite a bit of legwork I find out the phone that I want has two versions. The unlocked version and the Verizon replacement version.
The unlocked version is roughly $400.
The Verizon replacement version is $600.
Because apparently you shitwads want to line your gold swimming pools of cash with diamonds.
Oh, and the unlocked version is out of stock. So I’m just going to bide my time here, maybe root my current phone to squeak a bit more life out of it, and snatch up one of the current gens once they release the next model and they’re all on sale.
Because at this point, I will do whatever it takes to keep my unlimited data. Not because I need it, but because I hate you.