In thirteen days I turn twenty- _____...

As the years pass, it seems I become considerably more overtaken by a state of dread and regret as my birthday approaches. Really though it’s equal parts loathing and excitement this year, because while I hate the fact that so much time just keeps on slippin’, that I’m nowhere near “where I should be” as governed and dictated by the expectations I hold for myself, I’ve become more at peace with the fact that I’m capable of being who I want to be, because I know me. I know exactly what I’m breathing for, even when breath gets shallow, and I could die right now and still rest easy knowing I took said breaths in sincere honesty, compassion and love for oxygen, even when I’d rather breathe smoke and go comatose.

But is that enough?

Sadly, I know it isn’t, because I want more. I want to be more, for myself and those I love light years beyond myself, to live a life worthy of my own lofty aspirations. I want to be far, far from here, to ascend, to have the choice whether or not to ever come back rather than feeling stuck, hovering just high enough above the tides of quicksand threatening to swallow me and make escape from this place more impossible than it seems at times.

Thirteen fucking days.

I thought about what the number represents in terms of Supreme Mathmatics and made sense of where my head and my heart and my spirit are at today. I didn’t contemplate the meaning of numbers in my age, because I still don’t believe I feel my age. Not how I’m supposed to look nor act or even necessarily think for “my age”, because that’s mostly irrelevant to me. So I look at thirteen, and I break it down into science:

1 represents Knowledge

3 represents Understanding

1 beside 3 becomes thirteen. Understanding following knowledge. One finds knowledge from experience, the passing of years, moments…learning how the world works and how we ourselves operate not only in that world but also in the worlds we create for ourselves. We develop and dwell in cognition, processing all stimuli, all words, sights and sounds, running them through our filters and thus applying the various results to our existence. Knowledge of self breeds understanding of self. Learning who you are and where you stand and what you’re still standing for helps spark true awakening, a sincere understanding of just what the fuck is going on in the life you’re living. Just as I have a knowledge of time, said knowledge leads to me understand that, as it exists, time waits for no one. Although I don’t believe time to be linear in a sense, I’m aware in my understanding that time as I know it in this lifetime will someday cease to be. The clock has to stop ticking eventually. However, until that day, I’m not yet ready to slow down, or lose focus, or stop loving or learning or breathing or fucking or searching for fear of expiration dates. Fuck an ending, my true life is only just beginning. And these are but steps on the path to, one day, being content just taking in the oxygen.

I am felling so angry. I just yelled for a pillow. You just said me that you didn’t that you didn’t like it and now you are doing it. I’m not understandind and you don’t explain it to me. Everything is more important than me. I need your atention. I need an ”hey babe, i wanna give you an hug so tigh and i wouldn’t let you go”. I miss that. I want that. This fucking hurts. I am so angry that i haven’t words to say how I am… I wish you could see this and see how much you are hurting me…