POLITICS: The UK General Election campaign was thrown wide open today after it was revealed that UKIP had been a victim of a leftist conspiracy designed to make it look like the party was a collection of monstrous, sexist, racist, homophobic and Islamophobic dinosaurs seeking to take Britain back to an idealised idea of the 1950s with less sepia-toned photographs and more hatred.
“We’re actually all very nice people.” said William Hitesonly, a UKIP supporter, today. “And in the last few months when we’ve had people talking about foreign aid being sent to Bongo Bongo land, calling women “sluts”, likening a Scottish politician to a terrorist, blaming immigrants for blocking motorways, calling a Thai constituent a “Ting Tong from somewhere”, saying breastfeeding mothers should sit in a corner, blaming floods on gay marriage and calling people “Chinkies and poofters”, I’ve been worried that some people might think that we’re a horrible, nasty party of terribly racist people who hate just about everyone who isn’t a white, straight, British man, and that’s just not the UKIP I know. I turned to our Edna and said “I bet this is all the doing of them lefties” and I’m happy to see that’s been the case.”
“We would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for you darned kids.” grumbled The Left, later.