I am going to lose my mind, seriously.

Let’s forget this week, where I run into Little Lion Man on assignment. No, let’s forget how the lift doors opened and we rode in awkward silence, and then BBMd about rom-com moments and how the TV-fucking-3 cameraman shoved me into him.

Let’s forget how we find out that Little Lion Man has possibly pried New Girlfriend away from Old Boyfriend, or at least grabbed her on the rebound.

Let’s ignore the whole bullshit drama with TZF.

Let’s also forget how last night I find out Kalj and Little Lion Man are friends. Like, okay, fine, why not. The guy who made a pass at me while I was struggling with a stupid excuse for a relationship and who may or may not have had a girlfriend while doing it (God knows, who cares), and whose girlfriend started sending me wacko emails LAST MONTH to try and be sneaky and find out what happened and then goes and shows them to Kalj OUT OF FUCKING CONTEXT. He can be friends with my EMOTIONALLY ABUSIVE EX who was PLAYING ME OUT for nookie. Why the fuck not? After all, Kalj is the purveyor of that BRILLIANT line, “you don’t want to sleep with me because you’re scared you’ll fall in love with me.”

No, honey, I don’t wanna sleep with you because you’re a no-talent loser who isn’t an EIGHTH as clever as you think you are. Not to mention a lousy kisser.

Fucking surrender monkeys. Times like these, I miss Nils. He’d have a million fantastic jokes.

But today, I come in to work and see a nutcase message from R’s GIRLFRIEND, KALPHENA WITH A PH, saying that they’ve broken up.

Hey Tash! Just wanted you to know Rubin and I broke up ;)

Say WHAT? I know you’re Ceylonese, so why the fuck are you acting Punjabi?

And on his Wall:

When she calls you again, thank her for me. She’s been nothing short of amazing. Or maybe you can call her and thank her for me. Well done.

I have a headache.

(Also, ‘she’? Besides a headache, I also have a name, you stupid cow.)

Anyway, I messaged the craycray biatch back, first kinda nicely, then when I called R and he took it out on ME, I put the bitch back into my spine and told her off, firmly, politely, but with the… Okay, who am I kidding, I told her off in a condescending yet friendly manner. And I’m never polite. No fucking bullshit here.

Seriously, what the fuck?

What am I doing wrong? There is no way this kind of drama pursues me without my being a fucktard first, kan? What am I doing wrong? 

  • Me:Wish I could age faster.
  • TZF:Be careful what you wish.
  • Me:Really. It's somewhat distressing to look back and see what an idiot I was at 18, 19. And I thought I was so clever. Pfft.
  • TZF:Ah well. Growing is fun.
  • Me:Growing is interminable. Is there ever an age you reach where you look back and are just the same as last year?
  • TZF:Nope. Never. Hope that day never comes.
  • Me:Then how do you not cringe over past pretensions or silliness?
  • TZF:Eyes are pointed forward for a reason.
  • Me:True. But not so easy.
  • TZF:Nothing is easy unless it's not important.
  • Me:How'd you get so smart? Tequila?
  • TZF:Who says I'm smart?
  • Me:Well, I do. And I'm 21, which means I know everything,
  • TZF:Then I must be.

1 :名無しさん@おーぷん:2015/01/30(金)16:20:15 ID:Tzf







2 :名無しさん@おーぷん:2015/01/30(金)16:21:06 ID:RW1


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Please, please, please don’t let this be awkward.

Please, please, please don’t let this be awkward.

(It’s going to be awkward, isn’t it?)

I doubt he remembers all the messages, the late-night conversations, texting all night and getting ready for classes once we’ve exchanged good mornings and good nights (because he sleeps at such strange hours, oh).

But I do, and I hate it. Because more than anything, I’ve lost a friend.

"From waiting to not waiting for you;"

When you Google what you think is a song lyric and no relevant hits are returned, when the algorithms think you should read Brave New World instead

When it’s hard to breathe (what the hell, I just can’t win for losing) and someone gives you Ash’s Sometimes and someone else takes away Ash’s Star-crossed (it means ‘ill-fated’, my best friend told me)

When even thinking of going east doesn’t mean happiness and safety anymore, from Tawau to Kuching to Sandakan to Limbang, when our paths cross again because of this fucking job (at least I don’t need to read up on you)

I think that’s the fine fine line between love and giving up entirely. 

I’m very tired. 

I should tell you, I’ve got baggage too -

I think I collect this baggage so I’ve something to show, hoping that somehow it’ll make me less upset all the time, less raw, less hopeful. Cynicism is nothing new, but why can’t I have any? It hardly seems fair.

I’d like to blame Jai, because not so many years ago he told me that the jealousy and insecurity and hurt fades as I get older - but it really doesn’t. However hard you try, however little you give, you end up in the exact same place.

All I learnt was how to give up easily. Losing faster and losing farther, losing more each time. I didn’t end up harder or stronger, I just ended up the loser.

(Because someone has to sing the blues, right?)

But it’s all because really, truly, I hate competing when it matters. Why can’t we all just get along? (No, really.) 

More importantly, I hate feeling like I’ve been cornered into competing. I’ll never have enough baggage if I continue with this trend (how to break a five-year habit?), and I don’t really want any more.

Especially not someone else’s. I don’t care about the purity or sincerity, because I’m irrational. What do I want, if not this? Hari would scold me so much if I told him any of this. 

All I want is to outlive myself.

I wonder if I leave so much because all leaving leaves a mark. That’s as permanent as I can be - because if you force me to compete, I’ll just cheat.