twas-the-night-before-christmas

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Arthur Rankin, Jr. ((July 19, 1924–January 30, 2014)

You’ve watched a production or two by this talented director and producer. Mr. Rankin and his business partner Jules Bass created cultural institutions that have entertained millions for generation and made the impossible possible. He worked alongside legendary actors and creators (including a group of animators who would later form the core of Studio Ghibli). 

While the Rankin-Bass name has been pushed aside thanks to the owners of their decades of output, no one could forget the shows, films, and specials they brought to the world. 

So, thank you, Mr. Rankin. 

A Christmas Eve Poem

Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse

The stockings were hung by the chimney with care

In hopes that St. Nicholas would soon be there.

The children were nestled all snug in their beds,

While visions of sugar-plums danced in their heads.

The interwebz were quiet, hardly a soul searched for porn

They went to sleep early, awaiting Christmas morn

I laid in my bed, under my covers tightly tucked

I’m fighting the urge to rhyme that with fucked

But then on my roof, I heard a strange sound
Like a bunch of footsteps and then a great pound
I rose from my sleep, and put on some pants
I missed one of the leg-holes, and did an awkward dance

I shuffled forward slowly, to check this shit out
And in my living room, I see a fat dude lurking about
“Hey!” I shouted at the man dressed in red
I pulled out my gun and filled him with lead

I rubbed the sleep from my eyes and what did I see
I just shot Santa next to my Christmas tree

I couldn’t ruin Christmas for all the girls and boys
This is my fault, so I will deliver their toys
I got to the roof and saw Santa’s sleigh
I hoped that the reindeer already knew the way

I hopped aboard and grabbed the reigns
I suddenly realized I had forgotten their names
Now Steve! Now Dave! Now Lenny and John!
On Pete! On Phil! On Darryl and Ron!

The sleigh did not move, and they gave me a scoff
I googled their names, I was WAY off
I tried once again to call out their names
And I held on tightly to the reigns

Now Dasher!

Now Dancer!

Now Prancer and Vixen!

On Comet!

On Cupid!

On Donner and Blitzen! 

The eight magic reindeer took off with a rush
I hurried them on as I shouted, “Mush! Mush!”
We flew cross the moon, and jingled our bells
We flew past the ocean and its midnight swells

I slipped down chimneys, and delivered the toys
I ate all the cookies left by good girls and boys
The night was saved and I let out a sigh
If the children had known they surely would cry

So I shot Santa, but he is not dead
My aim really sucks, I totally missed his head
The elves picked him up, and treated his wounds
He’s doing quite well, and will recover very soon

I said a jolly, “Ho ho ho” when I heard he was alright
And I shouted from on high…

“Merry Christmas to all, and to all a goodnight!”

[Thanks to melaphantastic for the amazing reindeer GIFs.]

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Jimmy and Tracy Morgan Read Twas the Night Before Christmas

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Twas the night before Christmas when all through the house not a creature was stirring, not even a bun. The stockings where hung by the hutch with care,with hopes that St Paws soon would be there. The buns were all nestled snug in their beds, while visions of craisins danced in their heads…
Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good night.

'Twas the night before Linguistmas

‘Twas the night before Linguistmas and all the linguists were snug
Not a creature was stirring, not even a wug
The stockings were hung in the department with care
In hopes that Noam Chomsky soon would be there

The underlings were nestled all snug in their trees
With dreams that one day we would talk to monkeys
While the prof in her kerchief and I in my cap
Had just turned off the brain-scanner for a long winter’s nap

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