Day 36 of #100DaysOfWriting
EXT. SHAKESPEARE BRIDGE - DAY
Three children, FREDDY, LOUIE, & SARAH, are riding their bikes along Franklin Ave.
FREDDY: I can’t wait to show you guys Mortal Kombat X. It’s flippin awesome!
LOUIE: I can’t wait to beat Sarah as Scorpion!
SARAH: You wish! I’m unstoppable as Sub-Zero!
Just as the trio are about to cross the Shakespeare Bridge, a hideous, TROLL climbs out from under the bridge and stops them in their tracks.
TROLL (official): Children of Man, you shan’t traverse this bridge lest ye answer these riddles three!
TROLL: You can’t cross the bridge until you answer my riddles.
LOUIE: Well why didn’t you just say that?
TROLL (aping): Well why didn’t you just say that?
SARAH: What’s your deal?
TROLL: My deal is you can’t cross my bridge!
FREDDY: C’mon man, we wanna go play video games.
TROLL: Oh really? Video games? Well why didn’t you say so? Please, your highness, proceed.
The Troll steps out of the way and does a bowing gesture. The kids look at each other and then start biking. The Troll jumps back in their way.
SARAH: F*CK! What do you want?!
TROLL: I told you, you have to answer my riddles!
LOUIE: But you’ve already asked us like four!
TROLL: Those were questions, not riddles!
FREDDY: What’s the difference?
TROLL (dumbfounded): Uhm…uh…
SARAH: You don’t even know, dumby!
TROLL: Hey! I know! The difference is those were questions and these are riddles. Are you ready?
LOUIE: Yeah, sure.
TROLL: Riddle the first! Why won’t anyone be my friend?
SARAH: That’s just a question. That’s not a riddle.
TROLL: It doesn’t matter what the f*ck it is! Just give me the godamn answer!
FREDDY: Holy crap dude! I feel like you just answered your own “riddle”.
LOUIE: Yeah man, you’re kind of an asshole.
SARAH: Try being nice. Maybe you won’t scare people off.
TROLL: Well maybe I’m only mean because I’ve been hurt in the past and now I’ve put up a wall of insults and abrasiveness to protect myself.
LOUIE: Be that as it may, it’s up to you to fix that. People aren’t going to lower your wall for you if they can’t stand to be around you.
The Troll ponders this response for a moment.
TROLL: Fair enough. You have correctly answered the first riddle. Riddle the second! This is actually a two-part riddle: What video games are you guys going to play? And can I join?
The kids look nervously at each other.
FREDDY: Well, actually Troll, I uh… I only have three controllers.
TROLL: Really? Three? That’s such a conveniently odd number.
LOUIE (reaching): Uh…It’s because he left one at my house!
FREDDY: Yeah, totally. I let him borrow one.
SARAH: Yup, that explains it!
TROLL: Well, no biggie. I mean, we could just let the girl watch.
FREDDY/LOUIE/SARAH: Whoa! Really? C’mon man! Seriously? It’s 2015! #YesAllWomen.
TROLL: What? What did I do?
SARAH: Just because I’m a girl doesn’t mean I don’t like to play video games.
TROLL: Oh come on, that’s EXACTLY what it means.
FREDDY: Listen, Troll, you can’t come play with us because my mom said I shouldn’t be talking to strangers who have an outdated world view on gender roles in society.
TROLL: Fine! Be that way! But you still must answer the final and most difficult riddle!
SARAH: Ok, whatever. Just ask us so we can leave already.
TROLL: I offend without words. I deafen without sound. I’m fatal without killing. I affect all those around. What am I?
The children are staggered.
LOUIE: Damn! This is a real riddle!
TROLL: Uh, yeah!
FREDDY: Ok, well let’s think. If it offends without words and deafens without sound, that must mean…
SARAH: It’s quiet?
LOUIE: Well not just quiet. It would have to be silent.
FREDDY: And if it’s fatal without killing…
SARAH: Lethal? Deadly?
LOUIE: Deadly and silent and affects all those around…?
The children all suddenly get a whiff of something grotesquely noxious.
SARAH: Oh my god! What is that smell?!
LOUIE: It smells like racism!
FREDDY: It smells like someone f*cked a rotting corpse with a turd!
They look at the Troll and he just smiles at them. He’s let out the foulest, silent fart.
SARAH/FREDDY/LOUIE: UGH! GROSS!
They all hop on their bikes and ride past the Troll as he doubles over in laughter.
TROLL (laughing): Have fun playing your video games!