Deading in a Living Body

Breathing sucks.

Let me just get that out there. A heart beat I can ignore. Just move slow and stay chill, and that heart beat just fades right away. Unnoticeable.

But breathing. Breathing never goes away. In and out. And holding it doesn’t even help because I can feel myself hold it. I can feel that need, that burn. It’s almost as bad as being touched and let me tell you, that is the fucking worst. Skin to skin contact is near in-fucking-bearable but at least it isn’t constant, every second of every single damn day.

I can deal with other people breathing. You like a deep breath of fresh air, good for you. But I just don’t want to have to experience that. It feels wrong, it makes me feel like I’m constantly in the wrong damn body, and it is the fucking worst.

Sorry this post isn’t really the informative or whatever but I just really needed to vent and, well, I haven’t been active on this tumblr.

Needing to vent. God. It’s just inescapable.

Some days, dead isn't enough...

My mom asked me if I wanted to help spread my granddad’s ashes today and I just couldn’t. Doesn’t she get cremation is TRIGGERING FOR ME!! I know she was upset when I flat out refuse to have anything to do with it, but that’s MY RIGHT as a VICTIM! She needs to learn to check her living privilege, and learn to respect my identity before she can bring up something as TRIVIAL as MANNERS. Why should I respect someone who ignores my special needs?!?! 

And then it got… so much worse. She said I needed to RESPECT THE DEAD! SHE DOESN’T GET TO DEFINE THAT! THE LIVING OPPRESSORS CAN’T UNDERSTAND RESPECTING THE DEAD, ONLY THE DEAD CAN!!!! The living are inherently prejudiced against the dead, ALL OF THEM! ONLY THE PERSPECTIVE OF A DEAD PERSON, ME, IS IMPORTANT! God, some days it just hurts how obvious the oppression of transdead people is. 

Conservation of Motion

I tell people I practice “conservation of motion.” That the idea is that I try to be conscious of every movement I make and that it helps me connect with my body and the world. It’s a bit New Agey for a lot of people, but in that socially acceptable way. And then people don’t question why I move as little as possible.

In truth I’m just constantly aware of every movement I have to make. A few twitches don’t bother me as much—a cadaver can jolt upright shortly after death after all!—but deliberate movement is just… I mean, I have to to function, right? Even typing this feels wrong, but while I’m stuck in this living body, I can choose between moving and trying to express these feelings, or not moving and trying to stop the all-too-living swirl of dysmorphia in my head.

I have to get up in the morning to go to work. I have to talk to people sometimes. I have hardly any friends and I don’t want any more, but at the same time, I am alive and I feel alone, so I write sometimes to get it out.

I wish I had found more ways to cope. More and more certain of my conclusions though. This body just isn’t meant to be alive.

Movies like Saving Private Ryan are really triggering to the Transdead Community, I mean think about it. They just throw cadavers everywhere and they’re probably just gonna leave them or pick them up on a seperate ship and cremate them all. Nothing but a pile of clothes and a dog tag, that’s all dead people are to the Cismortal Community so it seems…

Morning's are the worst!

Ever wake up in the morning and you can’t remember who you are? That’s the best. I can almost pretend I’m not alive, and then I start breathing and it’s so hard. My dysphoria’s the worst in the morning, especially when I have to eat. 

Hello world

Hi tumblr. I’m rather new to this, so please be patient with me.

For obvious reasons, I’m not using my legal name. If you need to call me something, Lamastu will do. I’m twenty-five, cisgendered female, cisspecies, aromantic, and asexual. The real kicker is that I’m also transdead.

Let me just say at the start that, yes, I’m serious, and no, I do not want to eat brains.

I’m starting this blog because I couldn’t find others like me, even after searching for a while. It’s understandable, of course. I’m not looking to fit in with the vampire community (I don’t see myself as a vampire) and that’s really the only large undead community around (and a large number of them would point out that they don’t think they’re dead!). I’ve found some support within the otherkin community, at least insofar as they understand the dysphoria that comes from being in a body that doesn’t feel right to your soul. That reacts wrong. That moves wrong. That needs to breathe. Yeah, I wish I was kidding.

Feel free to ask me questions and I’ll be writing more here soon on what I think it means to be transdead. Another big reason for this blog is to give me a good reason to start writing out my thoughts and sorting them better, in addition to reaching out and seeing if there’s anyone else like me in this big and (unfortunately) really living world. 

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