1. This Isn’t America’s Next Top Idol

Come gather round, kids. Ben has a song to perform for us today. Yes, you have to listen to it, so just be polite!

I’m sure I’m not the only one who suffered second-hand embarrassment watching Ben bring his “gee-tar” to panel. Tyra may have been receptive to singing along with “Big Booty” in the auditions but that’s because it’s completely silly — Ben’s earnest attempt at serenading Tyra about his Top Model experience was never going to go well.

This is the collective reaction when Ben says he has a song to share:

Learn to read the crowd, Ben. Kelly is openly laughing at you, Tyra is straight up gritting her teeth as she finally agrees that he can “share it,” and Matthew can’t even bear to look. Poor Matthew probably tried to find a nice way of dissuading Ben from following through with this plan after hearing him practice because he’s a nice guy, but sometimes there’s just no stopping stupid. 

Here’s the thing, Ben: the world doesn’t need another John Mayer. The world probably doesn’t need the first one either. Men singing with high, gentle (yet not even particularly good) voices while occasionally strumming a guitar are a dime a dozen at this point. There’s even one of these faux-sensitive guys in every frat house, which is why he’s probably hit it off so well with Adam.

Ben sensitively singing about wanting to “be on top” is cringe-worthy, but that’s actually topped by Adam’s rap interlude. Adam raps as well as he models, which is to say very, very, very poorly:

"Dolphin sex
Adonis diapers
Kelly Cutrone, please no more sixes
Throw your boy a bone
I just want to say
Got a sick runway walk all thanks to Miss J
Thought Lenox was gone
She’s quiet as a mouse
But forget that noise
We all still in the house!”

Ah, “dolphin sex.” I think whatever moment that references didn’t make the show previously, so I’m just going to pretend that the pledges in Adam’s fraternity don’t swallow goldfish, they fuck dolphins. 

When Ben starts singing the chorus again, Tyra cuts in and has everyone sing along to drown Ben out. It turns into a “We Are the World” type situation with the other models singing and dancing in the background.

Damn, Tyra, hook us up with another music video/song-writing challenge, would you? You know that shit is entertaining.

When the song is finally over, Tyra says, “I wanna put you in a record studio and record it or something.” I think the emphasis is on “or something” because the look on her face reads more like “I wanna put you in a record studio, lock the door, then burn the record studio down with you inside of it.” It’s okay - “something” is Ben’s favorite lyric anyway:

Tyra gives Ben’s song a 10 which would be great if it counted for anything. His photo scores are nearly half of that and the final tally is not even close. Have we ever seen someone lose by over 6.5 points before? Ben wouldn’t have to be a number whiz who can “crush Excel” like Adam to know he was already mathematically eliminated from the competition. I wouldn’t be surprised if Ben had been working on that song for a while and the producers were like, “Ben, you should really sing that song for Tyra tonight… Oh, no reason…” 

Looks like the song’s line, “we all still in the house,” isn’t true for ol’ Benny boy (or as I like to call him “Jack,” short for Jack-of-all-trades-competent-at-none.) Ben seems remarkably confident that he will be re-entering the competition soon due to his social media scores. Normally I think an optimistic attitude is healthy — it ain’t over ‘til the fat lady sings, right?! Except, keeping that expression in mind, he did just get Tyra to sing, so… see you never, I guess, Ben!

5 Funniest Moments of ANTM Cycle 21 Episode 6

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Joan Smalls in Stella McCartney during Paris Fashion Week.

Hope y’all knew to stay up past the iHeartRadio Music Festival because tonight’s episode was actually hilarious:

  • Will and Matthew reconnecting… I don’t think they actually had sex, but they were definitely doing something under the covers!
  • Denzel getting his beard weave caught in the garbage disposal.
  • Tyra telling Lenox not to pick a roommate for the Tyra Suite so she could practice “feeling sexy” alone.
  • Miss J teaching the models how to stomp down a runway made entirely of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. 
  • And, of course, Tyra flipping her lid on Mirjana: “I have only ONCE yelled at a girl like this before!” 
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Cara in summer sandals and Stella McCartney during Paris Fashion Week.

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Sissi Hou in graphic prints from Leonard at Paris Fashion Week.