I know everyone is burning inside… Everyone has a voice inside of them telling them to stop and to end it all. It’s hard to control this thing, whatever or whoever it may be. I’m able to hold it back better than most people, at least so it feels like. I have a lot of friends going to a psychiatrist these days, it’s like an epidemic. Everyone apparently needs to do this, it’s a norm and we have been infected by the virus.
It’s no surprise I’m sad today. It’s been a rough time for me lately. Not so much because of stress, more or less actually the opposite. School ends tomorrow and study break starts. Most of our scheduled classes got canceled on Tuesday and everything seems perfect. My exams looks great and overall I have nothing to complaint about.
I think more or less I have a lot of small crisis’ which is just horrible to handle.
The bathroom is finished but for some reason my mum can’t seem to get her shit together and let us move home. There’s nothing I want more, which is actually a possible thing, than move home. I’m tired of my dad… and that’s an understatement.
Even when I think about moving back home, I’m not sure how I feel about it. I want to move home primarily because of a couple of things. I need to get space. I need to have personal room and not being forced to listening to my mum snoring every night, and listening my ears deaf from needing earphones because of strange sounds all the time. I need a garden, I need my tools, I need…. I need nothing, I’m just tired about everything and that’s the front thing I can blame everything on.
Even when we do move home, I probably won’t be happy. It’ll be great not having to wake up 1.5 hours earlier because we need to go somewhere outside the house to shower and it will be nice with space, but yet… I’ll def. be unsatisfied. No one I’ll ever meet, will know how it feels to live like I do. No one will. Not having your own room, your clothing not have a place… I could continue. I feel like I’m living in the past, our home is a time pocket and we just cannot get out of it.
My mum has been talking about rebuilding the house, but though I know it won’t happen, for some reason I keep holding the thought that it will happen one day, like I always hoped it would. I need to stop keeping my hope up. I need to stop having expectations, mostly in general.
The worst part is, today at school we discussed grades and I need to be a doctor and be it at KU. There’s nothing more to it than that. Then people started asking why it needed to be at KU, and I have no reason. It’s my opinion, that’s what I want. Instead of saying that though, I said I didn’t want to move out, which is ….. wether it is true or not is not something I can answer anymore. I don’t even know what I want… I don’t hate my mum, it’s just all becoming too much for me, I can’t do this. I need my own place, I do. Maybe not even my own place, I just need change. I need to sleep somewhere I feel home. I need to eat stuff which is homemade and not be served pizza every other day because of her laziness, it’s just not fair. I feel like I’m trapped, it’s totally out of my hands, and I really try to do something, but I feel helpless. I can do nothing cause since she’s my parent and I was raised with the thought of my parents as an authority and with her twisted psychology I cannot even think anymore. I’m not a robot but I’m neither human. It wouldn’t be right to move out, I know she wouldn’t like it, and therefore I’m trapped… I’m not sure that isn’t what she want for me, but she has broken me so much that I can’t decide that stuff myself. It’s just so twisted.
An other thing about this madness is Oskar. I love him and I live in the now. I don’t know what will happen in the future but for now, he’s what I love and what I want to spend my time on. Somehow you can say it’s timeless to be with him. The time simply stands still and there’s no fear in my head when I’m with him. I can’t get it deeper than that. The thing is it’s really sad that I cannot give him a part of me, like he gives me a large part of him, and so does his family. I would love to be able to invite him home to us, to make him be the one to visit and not always let it be me having to bike my way through the city in order for us to be together, this is not possible since I have no place to invite him to, no room to hang out just us.
Also my mum’s strange psychology has made me feel like he’s not good for me. It feels like she doesn’t like me being with him, and I sorta understands, but stop doing it mum, I’m 18 and I’m paying you for living here… Or rather, you take my money to let me stay here.
I have no free will, if it’s not my mother digging the hole I’m slowly tipping over, society and it’s twisted norms and illustration about how life is supposed to do, will dig harder. There’s nothing real anymore and nothing to believe in. The world has become fiction and you cannot put nonfiction intro a fiction story and make the plot home safe.
There’s people out there feeling much worse than me, sure. They are not as good to keep the bricks from falling as I am… sometimes that’s a good thing, but I wish people could see the pace at which I run from side to side to stop the bricks from falling down and breaking the wall. Other people don’t run, that just stand and look… they accept the fall of the bricks, but when the wall falls, they pull people with them, and they expect it being okay that their wall fell, because “it’s not my fault, that I feel like I do”
No matter what’s wrong with you, you are always the reason. you cannot blame others. Not even radiation or cancer, or depression or other disorders. Stop blaming others.
My back hurts quite a lot today, and I have diarrhea, probably from eating too many figs in one day, but who cares. I’m sleeping my day away and honestly I would rather not wake up tomorrow, but then again… I could just choose not to, so it’s my own ‘fault’ and I should not be complaining about anything.
Life’s what you make it.