Points of Interest

• I’m going to Andrew Jackson Jihad’s Sean Bonnette solo concert this evening. Second time to see them this year don’t curr
• I’m homeward bound in 56 days
• I finished my reading for online US history today
• I have 17 school days left
• I’ll be going to the biggest Hip Hop/Rap music festival in all of Europe
• I’m going to Barcelona and Berlin at the end of the school year with Himmel
• Tomorrow I’m skipping school to hike the Eiger and enjoy party favors at the top
• Music festival Saturday
• Two days of school next week
• I’m in love with Andrew Jackson Jihad
• I’m passing all my classes I need credit for
• Host family relations seem to be going better
• I’m really excited to go home
• Despite the horrible anxiety and other bad things happening I’m enjoying the sun and loving this life I’m in

song to listen to: There’s No War in This Love by AJJ
One of those days...

Today is one of those days where I need everything to just stop for a while so I can catch up. 

I am not feeling positive in any way. Mostly because my hormones before my period make me crazy and also causes a migraine adding to the stress and anxiety and inconvenience of it all.

I’m more than tired and foggy and in pain and the smallest set back is like the end of the world today. I missed work yesterday because of the storm before the migraine. I had to come in today despite the hangover of a migraine that hasn’t fully given up on me yet. 

I need everyone and everything to just stop.

This weekend has been surprisingly good

Yesterday and today I was able to get all the school work I’ve needed to do all week for my online class. It’s an At Your Own Pace! Class but I gave myself a week per module and the first module was taking me too long so I was annoyed with myself. This past week has been really horrible pollen counts, highest ever recorded, so my asthma has been AWFUL. If I hadn’t been strict about using my inhaler or nebulizer every four hours I would have ended up on prednisone if not had a full blown asthma attack.
Things either settled down or my lungs adjusted though because this weekend I wasn’t winded putting on pants!
We got lunch with Fifi ’s mom and step dad Saturday then went to visit my cOlLeGe BeStIe later last night and I’m not exhausted today! I was even able to work out for the first time in a week this morning! I took a 2.5 hour nap, but more because I felt like I should vs having an all encompassing, bone aching exhaustion. FEELIN PRETTY POSITIVE.

Water Fast. Day 2

The continuation of my straggle OR how the only thing I could think of was foooood~

The nightmare goes on and on. Seriously, today I felt even worse than yesterday. Even second thought that crossed my mind was about FOOD or how I will EAT when my fast comes to the end. It is horrible. I am so angry that I can’t eat, I am just frustrated, tired, sleepy and so moody. I know that all of this is psychological, because it is no really what my body needs, but it is me craving for food to feel happy. This is a very bad habit of mine. Throughout all those years I allowed food to be my consolation, my source of happiness. I now I am putting a fight against all my bad habits. 

Keep reading

anonymous asked:

1, 39, 38, 5?


1: What would you name your future daughter? Well My nanas name starts with a J my moms does and so does mine so maybe Joanna? I also like Shara and Jane too tho

5: What are you looking forward to in the next week? SCHOOL FUCKING ENDS, and valleyfair on the last day man so much fun

38: Love really is a beautiful thing huh? Fucking fuck yes its amazing but also horrible but aweseome

39: Do you make wishes at 11:11? Oh yes honey I need all the wishes I can get and one of my wishes form this morning actually came true today!

OK, so I have a choice today, do I go out with the family at what will be an anti-climatic town event and spend the whole afternoon pretending everything’s alright even though I am exhausted from looking after mam* and furious with my sister. Or do I do what I actually want (and probably what I need) which is to spend to afternoon at home, by myself (which never happens, and I treasure it) but come across as horribly a-social and possibly sulky, and have to spend the next week explaining myself.

* The last three days in particular have been difficult, ending in my mam getting up at midnight and clattering around the kitchen and not taking any notice of me when I told her what time it was, because if she’s right then it’s right. Impossible.

jook-yuh-jwuh asked:

What the hell... You didn't tell me you were sad!! You need to talk to me homie (I'm sorry I am just so sassy today)

Ahh it’s okay, I’ve been?? Going through a lot lately i’m so close to the end of high school though!! So I’ve been feeling better! Also, I finished the MAJOR final I had for English and I presented today (which may I add I did… Horribly…) so hopefully the project itself will make up for it. The main problem is my friends? They’ve been really rude and have just treated me so bad?? It feels like everyone has turned against me so I’ve been distant from everyone and everything, i’m sorry.

Yesterday was definitely not an easy day. My mood was borderline depressed from the moment I woke up, my cravings for horrible and I ended up just not eating much and my workout reflected both of these things. It was struggle to finish to say the least. I was very very sad. I felt alone and unwanted. I was overwhelmed with self doubt. I cried quite a bit and did not like myself much. Today is a little bit better. My workout went well, the sun finally started shining today after weeks of clouds and storms so I’m laying outside getting some sun, I’m eating decently. I need to drink more water but other than that I’m feeling ok. I just have to take it one day at a time.

I know everyone is burning inside… Everyone has a voice inside of them telling them to stop and to end it all. It’s hard to control this thing, whatever or whoever it may be. I’m able to hold it back better than most people, at least so it feels like. I have a lot of friends going to a psychiatrist these days, it’s like an epidemic. Everyone apparently needs to do this, it’s a norm and we have been infected by the virus.

It’s no surprise I’m sad today. It’s been a rough time for me lately. Not so much because of stress, more or less actually the opposite. School ends tomorrow and study break starts. Most of our scheduled classes got canceled on Tuesday and everything seems perfect. My exams looks great and overall I have nothing to complaint about.

I think more or less I have a lot of small crisis’ which is just horrible to handle.

The bathroom is finished but for some reason my mum can’t seem to get her shit together and let us move home. There’s nothing I want more, which is actually a possible thing, than move home. I’m tired of my dad… and that’s an understatement.

Even when I think about moving back home, I’m not sure how I feel about it. I want to move home primarily because of a couple of things. I need to get space. I need to have personal room and not being forced to listening to my mum snoring every night, and listening my ears deaf from needing earphones because of strange sounds all the time. I need a garden, I need my tools, I need…. I need nothing, I’m just tired about everything and that’s the front thing I can blame everything on.

Even when we do move home, I probably won’t be happy. It’ll be great not having to wake up 1.5 hours earlier because we need to go somewhere outside the house to shower and it will be nice with space, but yet… I’ll def. be unsatisfied. No one I’ll ever meet, will know how it feels to live like I do. No one will. Not having your own room, your clothing not have a place… I could continue. I feel like I’m living in the past, our home is a time pocket and we just cannot get out of it. 

My mum has been talking about rebuilding the house, but though I know it won’t happen, for some reason I keep holding the thought that it will happen one day, like I always hoped it would. I need to stop keeping my hope up. I need to stop having expectations, mostly in general.

The worst part is, today at school we discussed grades and I need to be a doctor and be it at KU. There’s nothing more to it than that. Then people started asking why it needed to be at KU, and I have no reason. It’s my opinion, that’s what I want. Instead of saying that though, I said I didn’t want to move out, which is ….. wether it is true or not is not something I can answer anymore. I don’t even know what I want… I don’t hate my mum, it’s just all becoming too much for me, I can’t do this. I need my own place, I do. Maybe not even my own place, I just need change. I need to sleep somewhere I feel home. I need to eat stuff which is homemade and not be served pizza every other day because of her laziness, it’s just not fair. I feel like I’m trapped, it’s totally out of my hands, and I really try to do something, but I feel helpless. I can do nothing cause since she’s my parent and I was raised with the thought of my parents as an authority and with her twisted psychology I cannot even think anymore. I’m not a robot but I’m neither human. It wouldn’t be right to move out, I know she wouldn’t like it, and therefore I’m trapped… I’m not sure that isn’t what she want for me, but she has broken me so much that I can’t decide that stuff myself. It’s just so twisted.

An other thing about this madness is Oskar. I love him and I live in the now. I don’t know what will happen in the future but for now, he’s what I love and what I want to spend my time on. Somehow you can say it’s timeless to be with him. The time simply stands still and there’s no fear in my head when I’m with him. I can’t get it deeper than that. The thing is it’s really sad that I cannot give him a part of me, like he gives me a large part of him, and so does his family. I would love to be able to invite him home to us, to make him be the one to visit and not always let it be me having to bike my way through the city in order for us to be together, this is not possible since I have no place to invite him to, no room to hang out just us.

Also my mum’s strange psychology has made me feel like he’s not good for me. It feels like she doesn’t like me being with him, and I sorta understands, but stop doing it mum, I’m 18 and I’m paying you for living here… Or rather, you take my money to let me stay here.

I have no free will, if it’s not my mother digging the hole I’m slowly tipping over, society and it’s twisted norms and illustration about how life is supposed to do, will dig harder. There’s nothing real anymore and nothing to believe in. The world has become fiction and you cannot put nonfiction intro a fiction story and make the plot home safe.

There’s people out there feeling much worse than me, sure. They are not as good to keep the bricks from falling as I am… sometimes that’s a good thing, but I wish people could see the pace at which I run from side to side to stop the bricks from falling down and breaking the wall. Other people don’t run, that just stand and look… they accept the fall of the bricks, but when the wall falls, they pull people with them, and they expect it being okay that their wall fell, because “it’s not my fault, that I feel like I do”

No matter what’s wrong with you, you are always the reason. you cannot blame others. Not even radiation or cancer, or depression or other disorders. Stop blaming others.

My back hurts quite a lot today, and I have diarrhea, probably from eating too many figs in one day, but who cares. I’m sleeping my day away and honestly I would rather not wake up tomorrow, but then again… I could just choose not to, so it’s my own ‘fault’ and I should not be complaining about anything.

Life’s what you make it.


As I wrote my letter of apology, I could only describe it as a night of several bad decisions. I woke up feeling troubled. Despite my good intentions, I probably executed them so horribly that the whole shazzam wasn’t worth any recognition of my good intentions anyway.

Myself aside, I had a really hard time today trying to figure this whole thing out. I tried focusing on my work, but the data and analysis was terribly unfavourable. In the process of figuring a solution, my mind wandered hopelessly to last night. In the end all I managed to achieve was a complete state of mental and emotional exhaustion.

I’m not sure what made me think of this word. Validation. But somehow, I felt like it was what I needed. I felt condemned, judged and highly unfavoured. Hence I spent the last hour of my day reading about what God says about validation.

He stubbornly loves me even when I am unlovable. – John (3:16)

I’m pretty sure I read a lot more than that, but this sentence really stuck. I’m feeling really tired now and in a nutshell, I just have to accept this grace and think hard about the type of person I want to be, I’m better than this, not sure what’s making me lose myself.


need to vent. ignore, or not, egal, it’s my blog, and just like my world, it’s all about me, my needs and pleasures. egocentrism saves lifes

feeling horrible today, entire day, all the time. already burst in tears as soon as i left my uni, just outside the gate, on the street, couldnt make it any longer

mcdonalds and long long shower helped a bit, but almost got panic attac when i couldnt find my meds just a moment before. funny how just a sight of them eases my mind. sick.

introduced the day with self harm, trying my best not to end it this way

putting this here, so i dont wake anybody up, crying for help. just need to vent somewhere. cause i have a problem, and i’m not dealing with it very well on my own. still i’m trying to be ok, it’s already better than it was.

i just need to fell important, ok?

i wish i hat at least 1/100 of self confidence that i show every day.

every time i’m being crazy or wreid, i’m fighting enormous fears for i decided i’m going to be my happy self, and i’m doing it, just doing.

it just has been awhile since somebody hold me when i cried, or wiped of my tears for me.

so much want attention, showing that i’m important and awesome, and all the things i’m trying to make myself believe i am. i need people, so much, i hate how much they matter to me.

Today was horrible but it ended up turning out pretty neat. The weather completely understood my feelings today. One second it was sunny, the next it was grey skies and pouring then once again cleared up.
Today allowed me to figure out a lot. I know where my head needs to be and I realized that things happen for a reason whether it’s good or bad. I feel like I honestly needed this day because it reminded me that I had unfinished business somewhere in my life that I didn’t think I’d have to deal with again and I’m glad that’s it’s now closed. It’s like an unfinished book with a bookmark in it that you find a few months later under your bed. I know this for a fact: Things will get better and I declare that with all my faith and days like these help me remember that it’s just a one day at a time process that I have to get over and keep in mind that it’s only one day and have so much ahead of me to look forward to, like that next chapter in that book. I have the best people around me who love and support me even on my hardest days and I’m so grateful for the handful of people I have. Despite what happened these past two days, I got an apology I’ve been dying to hear and I finally got a conclusion. That’s something most of us never get. And yes, if you’re wondering, it’s about the same person I used to write about months ago.

5/18/15 10:52PM - Done

I’ve been trying so hard to be a better person and I think I’ve come a long way. I see definite changes in the way I think about things. I’m nicer in my thoughts, most of the time. And when I’m not, I can usually pick those things out, like “wow wtf, that was such a mean thing to think.” But there are things I still need to work on. I need to be nicer to my family. It’s easy to be harsher to them because I’m comfortable with them, I guess. I always end up projecting every emotion onto them and I know that’s not fair.

I made my mom cry today and that sucks. I grew up watching my cousin be horrible to her mom and I said I would NEVER treat my mother like that. I mean, I still never would. I think my mom cried because I was snippy with her in the car. I told her she was being mean, and then I was really short with her when she was trying to ask me about my day. I feel terrible about it but I think she knows it wasn’t on purpose. I’m just not happy right now.

All the work I’ve been doing on myself has brought me so far from where I was, but there are still things I need to make peace with. I still have things that make my heart like ice sometimes, and I don’t want that anymore. Honestly, it’s just tiring. I’m going to see someone about it, finally. I’ve known for a while that I can’t do it on my own but I’m going to finally get help with it. I don’t ever want to make my mom cry again just because I’m not happy with life. It was a horrible feeling.

cthulhu-is-metal asked:

Please don't end your life. I have no idea who you are, or what is happening, but I don't need to. I understand that suicide is not the answer you need. I know that things seem hopeless, and far too painful. And sometimes, there doesn't seem like a way out, like right now. But when things are horrible, they can only get better. Life is filled with endless possibilities. While today may seem the worst day of your life, tomorrow may be the greatest day in anybody's life. Please. Don't do this.

I’m trying :’(
I’m trying my best to fight
But my demons are winning
I’m so sorry for being a disappointment
I’m so sorry
Please don’t help me
You’ll waste time on something as worthless as me
I don’t deserve to be alive
I’m sorry
I deserve to die

emissaryofhate replied to your post “aaAAAaAaaa im getting new glasses today && im so stressed bc i need 2…”

Ask someone to take a picture or do it yourself, maybe that’ll help?

lmao it was horrible but yeah i did take a few (albeit terrible) selfies and after like an hour i found kinda okayish frames though we didnt buy them yet bc i couldnt decide if i liked them or not ha h

i did find a pair of cool sunglasses tho so maybe if i end up disliking the new glasses ill just be cool and wear sunnies inside lmao

Opening up a fanfiction blog because the one time I tried to write a fanfiction on here, it ended horribly.

If you want the url, shoot me an anon or whatever and I’ll post it otherwise I won’t if no one cares. I’ll be updating it after my shift today because

Who the hell needs to do homework?

//glances away from the war in my backpack