toaster-strudels

So yesterday I had some time to kill so I went down to the company store and bought more fucking Gushers (I HAVE to have more self-control) but also some toaster strudels and these eggy biscuit microwave things that are really good, planning to take them home and have breakfast food and shit like that. So I put them in the breakroom fridge to keep them cool until I left, but then I forgot to grab them, and since I was the last one there and I close up and lock the doors and everything I couldn’t get back in to get them until today, when I discovered they

were

gone

3 Awesome Finals Study Tips From Strudel

1.  Always remember that procrastination is your worst enemy. There are times where you’ll tell yourself that just a five minute break will be the perfect solution to your writers block and then all of the sudden forty five minutes have mysteriously passed. You think to yourself, well since 45 minutes have gone by I might as well just make it an even hour to be safe because that way I’ll start studying at a time I can start measuring my process by. That will work. But then once that hour hits, you’ll begin to realize just how messy your room actually is and how much it’s impeding your ability to efficiently absorb information in a studious manner. As you begin to clean your room your mind starts going in two different directions like you’ve just gone through a spiritual mitosis. On one hand, you know your just stalling for time so you don’t have to start studying but on the other hand you’re being very productive in cleaning your room. In the end, you decide to continue cleaning your room because you’ve already started it and you might as well finish it because otherwise it will be the only thing you can think of and how are you going to remember who was president in 1955 when there are 4 t-shirts on your floor silently mocking you for only kind of cleaning your room. All the sudden you look at the clock and realize two hours have gone by. Your stomach rumbles. Well, you think to yourself, can’t study on an empty stomach. As you gather your lunch of dino nuggets and Ninja Turtles shaped Mac-N-Cheese you convince yourself that as a reward for cleaning you room you should watch an episode of your favorite show on Netflix. This is where things start to take a dark turn. What began as a reward slowly turns into marathon of poor decisions. As the minutes turn to hours you enter a state of denial so severe not even Benedict Cumberbatch’s hypnotic and sultry voice could convince you that you’re wasting your time. “I should be studying” “I need to stop”  “It’s already 7!” But then the fateful message comes onscreen “Are you still watching?” What should come as a wake up call instead appears to you as a challenge. How dare they underestimate your power to sit through several hours of your favorite show!?!?! So out of respect for your honor, you plow through at least 4 more episodes. It’s now 9. No more distractions. This is it. Time to study. As you look at your piles upon piles of notes you begin to think about how much better you could study if they were better organized. As you go into your drawer filled with half used glue sticks, and random piles of glitter from who knows when, you realize that you already used up all of your flash cards a week ago making an excellent flip book of the Black Widow motorcycle scene. Nice. Oh well, you think, I’ll just stop by the local grocery store and pick some up. While you’re there you might as well get some dinner. You haven’t eaten since lunch after all and you’re going to need the energy if you’re going to be up all night. So you hop in your car and head to the store. Along the way you begin to think about what you should have for dinner and how you’ve been eating a lot of fast food lately so you might as well make something a little healthy. Nothing that would take too long, of course; but something that won’t make you feel super greasy for the rest of the night. You arrive at the store and begin getting all the ingredients for a nice lentil soup. Might as well get an energy drink while you’re at it- its going to be a long night. As you go to the register you feel like you’re forgetting something but shrug it off as you’re both very excited and hungry thinking about your nutritious dinner. The second you get home you realize you’ve forgotten to buy note cards. Too late now, you think, I’ll just get dinner started and bring my notes into the kitchen. As you hastily chop some ingredients and blend others you find it near impossible to study in these conditions. Studying will have to wait because for now dinner is more important. You are a growing boy/girl/non binary person after all. After some very (okay semi) success cooking dinner is ready. You plop down in front of your computer with your lentil soup with every intention to start studying. But that’s when you see it. “Musical Episode Announced” for your favorite show. Well how are you supposed to study with this on your mind? Gotta get this out of the way first. You spend the next hour making sure the article is legit, telling your friends about it, and making a gif to add to your queue. The excitement has died down inside you but the adrenaline is just peaking. Perfect for studying. Until you look at the clock. 1am. Time to chug that energy drink you bought earlier. This is it. Go time. You open your book with a renewed energy knowing that now nothing can hold you back! You then remain on that page for the next 45 minutes not retaining a single thing. How are you suppose to focus when you know you only have 6 hours to both sleep and study for a test. Better do some jumping jacks to distract yourself. After 2 minutes of Jumping Jacks you’re quickly reminded of how easily you sweat while exercising. Better take a shower or else you’re going to smell yourself all night. You know you don’t smell, but then again maybe a shower will help clear your mind. 5 minutes you tell yourself, 5 minutes and then back to studying. After a 45 minute mental battle with an imaginary enemy you turn off the now lukewarm water and dry yourself off. It’s now 4 in the morning. You decide there’s no way you’re going to do well on the test if you haven’t slept at all so you better take a 2 hour nap and then spend the last hour power studying. Ya that’ll work for sure. At 6am your alarm goes off. Better snooze it for 5 minutes to treat myself for waking up this early. Several snoozes later and it’s already 7:30am. School is at least 20 minutes away. You scarf down a Toaster Strudel as you run out the door in the clothes you wore yesterday and hair looking like a birds nest. You make it to school 2 minutes before the bell rings and take your seat as the teacher places the test in front of you. You look over the questions and a sense of dread washes over you. Nothing on this test looks familiar! Is this some kind of trick? There’s no way that the teacher went over this stuff and you would know. You were up all night studying after all

2.  Realize you just spent several minutes reading a giant rant by an inanimate pastry instead of studying.

3.  Start Studying