i have about five minutes to write before i fade into that drifting sleepiness in the air around me.
i just wanted to remember to thank my God.
i haven’t been in school for…a while. and thinking about school last night made me physically nervous, anxious in a way that i haven’t been for ages. it was like a direct flashback into last year’s hell. stomach in knots. heart pounding. unable to sleep or too scared to rest because who knows what the morning will bring, who knows what fresh havoc my students who wreak, who knows what uncontrollables will be thrown at me in the morning.
school in the urban public sector is almost like…a really horrifying date with an emotionally unstable, occasionally mentally abusive boyfriend. sometimes he’s nice and kind and friendly and you feel happy and good about yourself at the end of it all. sometimes he yells and screams and swears at you and throws things across the room and makes you feel like shit.
and i was so, so scared it would be a bad day today, after the last…six days off.
i ended on a bad note. last wednesday—the last time we had school was last wednesday—student M had a mental meltdown.
student M is going through therapy, has been diagnosed with depression, is on medication for anger management and his mood swings, is currently being tested for bipolar disorder. his home life is a wreck. his mom can’t figure out what to do with him either. he’s extremely, extremely draining to deal with.
and on last wednesday, he had a really bad day. two students reported that he had said he was going to rape them, so i wrote him up for an office referral. he was returned to my room about two hours later—in a foul mood. and he screamed and me and refused to come into the room, threw a pencil at my head, turned over a desk, tried to run away, yelled how much he hated me and how he’d never listen to what i said or do anything i asked again. shoved books off my desk. upturned a library shelf on his way storming out.
like…horrible. he made me feel horrible. i have put so much effort and care and time into this boy, and hearing him scream how much he hated me and how the other stuff didn’t matter hurt. it hurt a lot.
(thus the emotionally abusive aspect of this job.)
ANYWAY. it all boils down to the fact that i laid in bed last night, terrified of work.
and then i prayed. a lot. in my head in bed late at night in the dark, alone and scared. this morning when i woke up with that pit of dread in my stomach, as i ate breakfast scared and alone in the daylight. on my drive to work. in my morning preparation time.
i prayed please please please help me God i need you please help me. i’m scared and i don’t want to be here and i don’t want to lose control. please help me. please help student M. please make this a good day. please help heal his hurt and whatever is going on in his head. please help him out of his darkness. please help me in my fear. please be with me and beside me today through whatever i have to deal with, because i can’t.
and He did.
today was wonderful. student M started off so….tentative, but when he saw that i forgave him and loved him still, he thawed out. and i’m praying again for tomorrow. lord, help me tomorrow again. help M with all the things in his mind. please be with both of us. please heal his wounds.
but also……..thank you for being a God who answers my prayers. i love You and appreciate You.
goodnight, you all :)