thisisnotawritingblog

I want to take a chance with love, my heart’s not ready. It can never be, especially with the heavy baggage of the past that keeps on haunting me. There’s a part of me that continuously tell me that I am
unworthy of love from other people. I simply turn and walk away, leaving without word. It’s the way I handle things. There is a part of me that cannot completely heal. That is why, even though I am building up feelings for a person, I simply brush it off. Simply tuck it away, and push it out of my mind as far as possible. It’s complicated but is the simplest to do in comparison to letting love in.

The Shuffle Tag. “Supposedly, you can tell a lot about someone by the type of music they listen to. Let’s find out, shall we? Hit the Shuffle on your Ipod, phone, iTunes library media player etc. And write down the first 20 songs that come up, no exceptions. Then pass this challenge on to 10 of your mutual followers.”

Videotape- Radiohead

Neighborhood #1 (Tunnels)- Arcade Fire

Lump Sum- Bon Iver

Fences- Phoenix

Everlasting Light- The Black Keys

Spies- Coldplay

R U Mine?- Arctic Monkeys

Last Goodbye- Jeff Buckley

Undisclosed Desires- Muse

Champagne Supernova- Oasis

Rococo- Arcade Fire

Photograph- Ed Sheeran

Perth- Bon Iver

Somewhere The Clock Is Ticking- Snow Patrol

Run Run- The Rival

Save Rock and Roll (feat. Elton John)- Fall Out Boy

High and Dry- Radiohead

Black Treacle- Arctic Monkeys

Light Me Up- Birdy

Bad- U2

I wanted to do this sooner, but you know, life happened. This is quite fun actually. Thanks thisisnotawritingblog for the tag! :)

Plot twist: Bad ass as I am, I’ll break the rules. Since, I can’t think of anyone to tag, I ain’t tagging a soul. This seems like one of those classic cases of “can’t or won’t”. But in this case, it’s both. I know that bad ass people don’t apologize, but I feel awful for breaking the rules. I guess I am not that bad ass after all. More like, lazy ass or something. Anyway, I really am sorry. :(

I got nominated for the Sunshine award!

The Sunshine Award

I was tagged by thisisnotawritingblog. Thank you so much for this lovely surprise!


The Rules:
Acknowledge the nominating blogger. 
Share 11 random facts.
Answer 11 questions from the nominating blogger.
List 11 bloggers to recommend. They should be bloggers you believe deserve some recognition and a little blogging love!
Post 11 questions for the bloggers you nominate, answer and let all the bloggers know they have been nominated. You cannot nominate the blogger who nominated you. Enjoy!

I would have loved to do this, but I can’t come up with any interesting questions for you lot. :c  

11 Questions From me:

  1. What do you see yourself doing in ten years? Is it bad to say that I haven’t thought this far ahead yet ahah? I don’t even know what I’m doing for tomorrow. Lets see in ten years I’ll be 29, so maybe I’ll be living in a cute apartment married to my special someone.  When I’m not spending time with them, I’d be illustrating for some new project or magazine.
    2. How do you see yourself? I see myself as a very open and honest person. I have a bad tendency to almost tell a complete stranger everything I’m feeling. I can have strong charisma and optimism at times, however I have just as strong flaws. I need to work on being calm. I think that I’m currently making good progress, but perhaps need a little more of a push to have a resolve. I just see myself as a pretty okay guy, who maybe shouldn’t worry too much.
    3. What do you think makes relationships last? I think that communication is very important and being patient with the other. A relationship is a bond between two very intelligent minds.
    4. If you are given the chance to do anything you want for a day, what would you do? I think that I’d just like to sleep, talk to friends, watch Anime and go for a walk. I like the sounds of quiet time with the people I love. Life is too busy to always be doing stuff.
    5. Out of the four seasons, what is your favourite? Why? Spring is one of my favourite seasons because it’s so fresh. I love seeing the flowers bloom anew, and watching the rain fall. It’s almost like the sky is saying “ahh it’s been a long year, I need a break too.” Ahah.
    6. If you are given the chance to move anywhere in the world, where would it be? Why? I’m sure that most people would jump at this question, but I honestly have no clue. As long as I’m near people I love, and do what I love everything else is just a privilege. I’m almost scared of moving to some foreign country away from home (although I could imagine a very fun and different life.)
    7. What has been one of you embarrassing moments? There should be plenty that come to mind, but this is a hard question to answer. Maybe the time I was pretending to talk like a cliche girly girl and my friends’ mom asked me if I was being serious ahah. Sorry, I wish that I had a better answer!
    8. Who is an inspiration to you? Kyary Pamyu Pamyu! I love how she does what she loves. She gets to sing and model and be wacky all while making others smile!
    9. What is your favourite poem? If none, who is your favourite writer and why? I feel so cliché in saying Murakami because I haven’t been exposed to many favourite writers just yet. The way he writes is very descriptive and sensitive. It has a gentle melancholic vibe to it, that’s so sweet and relatable.
    10. What would be your ideal date night? Just a movie night sounds good with me! I’m not hard to please.  
    11. What is your favourite holiday? I think Thanksgiving is my favourite, because I can see family and enjoy yummy food. It’s also always great to remember to be thankful!
Journal

I’m out of words, there’s nothing to say. I feel like I am managing well these days. I feel like I’m actually, finally leaving the hell I created for myself. I don’t know when it occurred, but I’m definitely much better. It’s unexplainable. The thing is, sometimes it is much better not to focus too much on the bad stuff and all the bad things. It screwed me over for sure. Additionally, nothing is permanent. Everything is a constant flux. I know that I’ll have my ups and my downs. But hey, I feel like I’m actually trying now. Hopefully this “trying”last. I need to start something to change my habits and I’m doing it a step at a time.

Most of the time I cannot distinguish which prevails the most when I analyze my feelings and thoughts . But when I only focus on it for a tidbit of time, it’s the happy feeling that arises.

I guess now I’m allowing myself to feel better. It’s a good feeling.

Everything was revolving while she remained on the same ground; alone and isolated from everything and everyone else.

Her face was painted with multiple
of emotions that was thickly covered with happiness. Fake happiness to cover up the misery she feels in her daily life.

She sat alone on the empty theatre looking directly at the vast stage, waiting for a scene to be revealed. Yet, the stage remained empty. There were no people, no scenes, just her.

She stared and stared while biting her lips as she tried to stop the rain from falling down her cheeks. And for that instance, her attempt failed as the rain poured heavily down her cheeks.

She could not explain the combination of the feelings rooted inside of her. She felt like a crumpled paper worn out from the repetitive strains of circumstances that life brought. She could not figure out the exact moment when she started to lose herself. Everything felt unbearable and she felt the need to put up her guards and walk away from everyone and everything.

Her mind raced as she tried to figure out how to get out from the hell that she created for herself;she knew the task would be hard work.

She watched as people passed by her, leaving only memories; leaving her behind.

And she knew, the only way to move on is to help herself, because no one else can put enough effort to help her recover from the hardships she went through.

Her tears trickled one last drop, and she wiped her face from the sadness her tears left behind. She stood up, glanced around the empty space around her and decided to walk out of it. This time leaving behind the emptiness of it all.

“I miss you.”

I never know how to respond to it, every time someone tell me it. I feel that if I don’t respond to it, it will be awfully rude. Therefore, I say it back. Yet in the back of my mind, I question my response. Mostly because I know truthfully, that those words are only said to fill in the gaps of the lost time and distance. Who knows how much truth those words contain?

Sometimes I just want to run away and not come back. Just start some place new. But then I realize I can’t because I’m incapable of living, and I’ll only be at the rock bottom making a misery of everything.

Sometimes I just want to spill every single thing out and let go. Let go of the thoughts that are hindrances to my life. Let go of all the hurt I’ve come across and just never look back. I just want to be liberated. Yet, I don’t know the first step to do so. I want to let go. I want to move on, I want to be able to say, “I am in complete control with my life.” But, my life is in control of me.

I want to break out of my shell. I cannot figure out who I am. I cannot and I am unwilling to. I see no purpose in everyday. And I stare too far away, hoping that it will get me somewhere. I cannot focus, I cannot concentrate. I am all over the place. It sucks. I can’t find words to say every thing I want to say. I cannot even spill to anybody, I trust nobody. I feel like I’m built that way. The past built me that way.

I cannot feel love, I walk away from it and I don’t try. They walk away. Everybody always do. They never stay. I wouldn’t love, I am selfish. Judge me for being that way, I judge myself as well. I often wonder how easily people love, and I see them continuously getting hurt. Then they too walk away. I want to love, but the world made love overrated. The pop culture made fictions on love. I fall for their fictional stories and hope for mine to be the same. Yet for every man that tries to get close to me, I turn away.

I am still confused along with being happy, sad and angry. The mixed emotions I have keep me awake at night. I try sorting them out, I end up giving up.

In short, my life is a mess.

there are some things i’m always afraid of. the first one is rejection. since i already have the thought of not being good enough for anything, i do not handle rejection very well. so i let myself stay still and not do anything with life. i’m afraid of failure, so i stay doing the things i know best, because i’m afraid of critiques telling right in front of me, how terrible i am. it’s the way i wired my system; always afraid of what people will think of me and always holding back from trying something new. the first conclusion i have every time i am going to try something new is, “what will they say if i don’t do it well?” i care too much of what people will say , i forget to care for myself.

i realize that i am failing by doing nothing. and i need to break out of this habit of always thinking that i am not capable of doing things because i will immediately fail. i need to stop putting myself down, because it always leave me thinking that i don’t need to care about life. i want to achieve great things but i am not putting the effort to do so because i am beat down with thoughts that circulate my system and poison me into thinking that, ” no you can’t do that.”

life sucks, because i make it suck. i make up thoughts to make it suck. i feed the negatives, so the negatives show up. think positive. stop being scared of rejection and failure. it’s part of the learning process.

have courage.

She asked me what is on my mind lately. She said I haven’t been myself these few days. All I could say was “Nothing.” I mean, who am I? What does being myself mean? Even I can’t answer that. She told me today was the last day she would wake me up in the morning. I don’t blame her, I seem to be growing backwards.

Two years ago I wake up at 6:00 am in the morning and get myself ready in the morning and all those other things. I eat breakfast. I sometimes do my hair. Now, I wake up at 8:30 a.m. I only get 10 minutes to get ready rushing.

I can’t figure out what exactly is making me act this way. I seem to care less and less as days pass me by.

You’re empty most of the time, you’re great at hiding it nowadays. You cannot tell a person who asks you, “how are you?” that you feel empty. They would ask how come, and you would try to explain but the words does not match the feelings you want to get. Truth is, they don’t care. It’s that simple, they dare only for that current time they are asking, afterwards it’s over. The spotlight is onto something else.

You cannot explain emptiness like the color blue. You cannot explain it fully with words that contradicts it. You cannot explain emptiness.

You cannot admit to people what emptiness feels to you, because at times they think of you as pathetic for feeling that way, when they tell you there are so many things to enjoy and be happy about.


It is true there are millions of things worth making you happy, but by the end of it you come to the realization that though things can make you happy, you’re still empty by the end of it.

They do not understand, that as much as you try to stray away from emptiness, you are automatically attracted to it like magnet. You want to get away from it but you’re left with the choice of leaving it and facing the possibility of failure or leaving it with the possibility of judgement.

Society made you think that way and as much as you try to reverse psychology the ideas you end up with the conclusion of both ways leaving you more empty. You cannot think clearly without thinking of what other people would think of the things you say. You forget to think that they do not care. You forget to think that the words they can have against you has no power for they fade with time as long as you let it.

You feel empty and they won’t understand just as how complicated it is to understand the emptiness others feel.

Take this for instance, I’ve been living a life not living it. The times when I thought I had a plan, all collapsed in a blink because I care too much of what others think or will think about me. I need to do what is best for me, not what I think others think is best for me, if you know what I mean. It is complicated that way.

It isn’t only that, it is also all the mixture of the past that can be left behind but can’t be erased. It is all the painful times that serves as a reminder that life has a tinge of bitterness. Yet, I should remind myself that life goes on (cliche I know). Life is not full of bitterness and pain, it is only that because I have been feeding it a little too often.

I had dreams, dreams made for me, implemented on me because those dreams will take me to a decent life. I believed them, I thought dreams were easy that way.

Dreams doesn’t work that way. Dreams need passion. The passion to strive to achieve it. The drive to get back up after failing over and over again.

In this current life, my dreams are vague. To be happy and successful. No particular profession or path to follow. And I know a dream too vague won’t take me to anywhere.

The feeling of freedom to choose what I want to be is almost too suffocating at the same time. They want me to decide, but I know with the decision I make, there will be arising questions. They told me I should have decided long time ago. And I know I should have, but I’ve got too many excuses.

Time, I always take advantage of it. Always thinking I have a lot of time and at the same time having too little.

Life. Living.

I just can’t get it together.

Living . Life.

I’ve missed opportunities,chances because I fear living. I fear the idea of “actually living”. Actually doing something. I fear it because I can feel the instant scrutinizing of people towards me. I fear that I’m never going to be good enough. I feel that I always have to prove myself.

The things I wanted to do, I never had the courage to do.

In a few months I wish I am able to write ,”I’m living a life actually living it.”

SIDE NOTE: I’ve been writing on this blog for quite awhile now and I must say that my words on screen (paper) are powerless. They are on spotlight when they are being read. Yet afterwards, they become buried under the archives. They become insignificant. They still leave me stagnant.

She remembered clearly.

He said, “In two years I’ll still be waiting for you. I promise.”

She replied, “Don’t make promises you can’t keep.” He smiled and assured her he’ll keep that promise.

Two years have passed. They drifted apart because of distance. Things changed. They’re not the same people they were two years ago. Their friendship became straint, less talk, more fights. Now, no communication at all.

Remember that promise? Well, it’s now only one of those tossed words made only for the time it was mentioned, never the time it was meant for.

I wasn’t able to write anything for my mom. Writing to her is a big step for me of opening up and telling the things I’ve held onto for the past couple of years. I’ve held onto things for too long and I cannot find myself to open up, for they would open up wounds. I have so much that I held in, and I’m not sure when I’m fully ready to release it all.

This is a realization that I’ve kept away from people for too long. And I think it is never a good to keep away for too long, because I feel tongue-tied. And most of all I feel more vulnerable than I already am.