Take this for instance, I’ve been living a life not living it. The times when I thought I had a plan, all collapsed in a blink because I care too much of what others think or will think about me. I need to do what is best for me, not what I think others think is best for me, if you know what I mean. It is complicated that way.
It isn’t only that, it is also all the mixture of the past that can be left behind but can’t be erased. It is all the painful times that serves as a reminder that life has a tinge of bitterness. Yet, I should remind myself that life goes on (cliche I know). Life is not full of bitterness and pain, it is only that because I have been feeding it a little too often.
I had dreams, dreams made for me, implemented on me because those dreams will take me to a decent life. I believed them, I thought dreams were easy that way.
Dreams doesn’t work that way. Dreams need passion. The passion to strive to achieve it. The drive to get back up after failing over and over again.
In this current life, my dreams are vague. To be happy and successful. No particular profession or path to follow. And I know a dream too vague won’t take me to anywhere.
The feeling of freedom to choose what I want to be is almost too suffocating at the same time. They want me to decide, but I know with the decision I make, there will be arising questions. They told me I should have decided long time ago. And I know I should have, but I’ve got too many excuses.
Time, I always take advantage of it. Always thinking I have a lot of time and at the same time having too little.
I just can’t get it together.
Living . Life.
I’ve missed opportunities,chances because I fear living. I fear the idea of “actually living”. Actually doing something. I fear it because I can feel the instant scrutinizing of people towards me. I fear that I’m never going to be good enough. I feel that I always have to prove myself.
The things I wanted to do, I never had the courage to do.
In a few months I wish I am able to write ,”I’m living a life actually
SIDE NOTE: I’ve been writing on this blog for quite awhile now and I must say that my words on screen (paper) are powerless. They are on spotlight when they are being read. Yet afterwards, they become buried under the archives. They become insignificant. They still leave me stagnant.