“You just have to let love do it’s thing”
No, you don’t understand, I can’t. I have trust issues leaking from my throat. I have trust issues because my first revealing of metamorphic love bled out through gaping holes of depression and anxiety just to be told, “I’m sorry but you’re just. too. much.”
It was a year later when the only love I ever needed slipped away from me when I felt that same phrase quiver between my lungs and what came out my mouth sounded a little like “You deserve better.” When I realized it was her eclectic eyes that simmered down my restless soul.. I ran back, manic, my gaping holes filled with red colored cement just to find out it was. too. late.
The girl that still jerks at my heart was the one. Not the one but the one I would’ve done every. single. thing. for. Not the one but the one I fell for even when I hated her. Not the one but the one I loved so hard, so unconditionally. The one that showed me I never could be the. one. for.
100 days of dreaming, 100 nights of future planning never made my soul ache as much as it ached to realize my 100 day girl was gone. When things like settling down didn’t feel like settling down but coming home, for once. When I’d let a stranger trace their soul with shaky hands into my future. When I let myself expect that someone could stay. for. once.
Don’t tell me I just have to let love do it’s thing because love carved names into the nostalgic space between what once was and what now isn’t that drive my courage insane nowadays. When love stopped feeling like an actual fire escape but like the sign “STOP” instead.