It’s almost 5am and I need to wake up in less than 3 hours and I’m literally gonna have a panic attack bc I can’t fall asleep and it stresses me out bc my dad will probably get really mad at me tomorrow and I think he knows I’m still up so unless I can lie and pretend sick I can’t see a way out of this but I’m honestly gonna have a panic attack every time this happens I get so stressed

anonymous asked:

Ohhh boy porcupine. Whatcha gonna do now, hm?? Ain't he cute when he sleeps?

Yes he is— wait, what am I saying?

Why did he fall asleep on me

How can I make it all stop other than cutting? I just want it to all go away so badly :( I hate living like this. Each night recently…from around 11 pm till when I fall asleep I end up over thinking, feeling shit and then I start thinking about self harm, suicide etc…and it keeps happening nightly. I end up hating my mind as much as my body.
I just wish I knew another easy but better way to stop it all as all I want is for it all to stop, to stop feeling so shit….that’s the main reason i cut…to make it all stop.

149 Days

• I woke up this morning to a marvelous list that I kept looking at all throughout the day. It was super sweet and made me so very happy.
• Emma came in my room and told me to get up for breakfast and I told her to go away and that I wasn’t hungry so she pulled the covers off of me and I yelled at her to stop because I hate that so much. Then my dad came in my room and tickled me and he asked me to get up and I did. But I have a bruise on my ribs from something because when he was tickling me I went ow and it’s not bad at all like it’s really faded but it was still tender.
• I didn’t want pancakes so I just ate a piece of bacon and I was done because I wasn’t hungry this morning.
• My mom and sister officially have Net 10 now and im the only one without unlimited data and I don’t enjoy it.
• I watched the ID channel until my parents pulled out of the driveway and then I talked to my beautiful best friend and we had some fun. 😜
• I had fun a few times actually and after that I decided I was hungry and my mom made hamburgers last night so I heated up some leftovers and ate those and talked to my best friend some more and it was magical.
• Then I decided I should probably start organizing my closet because I promised my dad I would and so I did that and found some shirts that I will wear and gave Emma some of my old ones that don’t fit and put others in a bag to give to goodwill.
• I thought I deserved a break so after that I just chilled and watched the ID channel more and worked on my list for my best friend.
• I let max out and gave him a bath because he was all gross and muddy and I was like really max? And he looked at me like if he had pants he would have crapped them because he hates water.
• Then I got a text from my mom and so I told my best friend I would talk to her later and I got in the shower after finishing up the list and it was wonderful and hot and I was in shower heaven and I felt so clean and it was just invigorating.
• They got home as I was bundled in a blanket eating Cheerios. I cleaned up my bowl and my dad gave me a hug and sang the Barney song. 😂 Then he picked me up and told me that I was light and it made me happy.
• Now im in the bathroom drying my hair because it’s freezing and that always makes it better.
• I would also like to formally apologize in advance for my list. The format is not how I wanted it to be but last night I saved my list to tumblr and made it not appear when I click the paste button and so it got all crazy and I tried to fix it near the bottom but then I ran out of time because my parents were home.

Just got all comfy and warm in bed ready to fall asleep

And I have just realized that if my type of depression will probably last my entire life it means that this is my “normal” and I really don’t know what to think about that. Like on one hand it’s good to know what I have to work with to be happier and functional, but on the other hand I want to cry because I’m always gonna need all these meds and therapy and effort to keep my depression at a moderate level and I’m never going to function “normally”. I mean I’ve been dealing with depression and anxiety since I was like 14, and I’ve always had this hope that the right meds and therapy would get me out of my depression and I would be able to eventually be off meds and not depressed and now I don’t have that.

I know I’ll figure out and accept my new normal, but it’s kinda hard to deal with right now.