the-sinking-feeling-starts

[ Lost ]

Cloud had heard of a place called Farplane before, but was still unfamiliar with it. He didn’t know how exactly how he got here, but at least there didn’t seem like there was any threats. Looking around, he didn’t see much people. He wanted to call out, maybe there was someone who could help him.

“Anyone..here?” The quietness started to sink in. Usually it made him feel at peace, but the sudden feeling of being alone bothered him. He continued to walk down a path, hoping to find someone down the road.

blackmage-lulu

apoge-e asked:

Is it too late for me to request that you write me a thing? DJ and raverrrr

(it’s never too late xDD)

Changmin slippes out the backdoor of the club, his ears still droning with a static sound. He stumbles down the few stairs and sinks down on the lowest; the sweat starts to feel cool against his skin. Fumbling he pulls a cigarette pack from his back pocket and lightens it, inhaling the first lungful of smoke.

He slowly comes down from the high he gets on whenever he feels the beat drumming through his body, the mass over people moving around him, lights flashing through a dim lit room, alcohol rushing through his blood, all this making him light headed. Another man slumps down next to him and he hears a “you have a cigarette?” through the noise in his ears. He holds out the pack and the other man takes it. After a few minutes of smoking together, Changmin finally looks at the other man.

It’s one of the regular DJs at this club, he had noticed him a few times already; he likes whatever the guy puts on and he also likes his looks - fair skin, full pink lips, round eyes, fashionable brown hair, almost girlish looking if not for the strong jawline and cheekbones, and shirt stretching over his biceps. Changmin notices he’s staring and turns his eyes to the empty alley.

“You come here pretty often, saw you a few times last month”, the DJ says, looking straight at him. “Yeah, music’s good here.” - “Thanks, I guess.”

The door behind them opens and one of the club staff peeks outside. “Jaejoong, your break’s over.”

Jaejoong stands, stretches and nods to him. “See you inside.”

Send me an AU you’ve always wanted to do and I’ll write a starter for it, regardless of what it is.

I’ve never felt more alone.
I’ve never felt that sinking feeling in my stomach until now, and I feel so bad for the people that feel that constantly.
—  Sinking feeling starts

if I seem ambivalent, if I seem distant and hard to catch up with, please understand that I’m only learning to guard myself, set boundaries with who I am and want to be, and how to never get caught up in all the what-ifs and could-have-beens. if it seems that my affections have gone astray and strange, they haven’t - it’s that I’m learning how to appropriate them in a healthier way.

I can feel the cusp of my potential starting to sink in, and I don’t want to lose momentum. I’ve had to realize that no one can help me figure out myself, that I don’t have to be constantly wandering, lost. my compass has always been where it exists - right in the center of me, myself, and i. I’m constantly learning about myself, and I still have miles to go before I sleep.

I can better my relationships with my family, my friends, and my future paramours, if I can just curb my frustrations, if i can just learn to be kinder. I don’t want to waste time with the wrong people who use me up and then walk away. but I want to be kinder, be happier and show that happiness in the best ways possible.

I’m trying, goddamnit. don’t give up on me just yet.

In 49 Days...

In 12 days I will be leaving Michigan to spend a month at home in California. In 49 days I will leave for Los Angeles for pre-service orientation. In 48 days I will finally be going to the Philippines to begin training for Peace Corps service in the Children, Youth, and Families (CYF) sector. It’s hard to believe that I will be moving to a new country so soon, especially since I have never been outside of the US. Now that my second semester at the University of Michigan has ended, I have more time to think about it and it’s starting to sink in. It all feels so surreal and the past few days I’ve caught myself thinking “What am I getting myself into?” As nervous and anxious I am about this big change, I am still excited for all of the new adventures I will have, all the new people I will meet, and the new culture I will get to experience.

It feels like such a long time since I first applied to Peace Corps last July. I was finally medically cleared earlier this week which means the last of pre-service paperwork! Throughout this whole process, I have reminded myself that Peace Corps wants to make sure that I really want to do this since the paperwork has been so tedious. Fortunately the Peace Corps staff has been incredibly helpful and supportive in making sure I get everything I need finished on time.
I have started to teach myself some Tagalog (which my roommates and I refer to as Asian Spanish) with an app called Fabulo and labeling things around my apartment. (it has been somewhat challenging since in my mind I translate everything from English to French and then to Tagalog) My roommates have even joined in sometimes to help me. I really love the Fabulo app because it teaches the words, spelling, pronunciation, and sentence structure. It has been incredibly helpful with learning some basics. I can’t wait to be able to speak it fluently and learn more during training. I have also joined the Facebook group for my batch (Batch 274) which has all of the volunteers who will be starting this July as well as volunteers currently in the Philippines. Everyone has been very helpful and has been giving great advice. I even ordered a hammock with a group of them. I’m looking forward to meeting them all and spend time with them during training.

All I have left to do is pack up everything and send it to California, spend some quality time with my Michigan friends, head home and spend time with family and California friends, pack for the Philippines, and go to the Philippines. It’s crazy that I am so close to going and starting this adventure. I will try to keep you all updated as much as I can, just have to get into the habit of writing it all down.

I can’t wait for this adventure!

this morning i woke up and started doing my normal routine but then noticed all this water under my bed and realized that the water kept expanding into where my one roommate and i keep our shoes so we called maintenance to see if they could figure it out and turns out some dunderhead in the room above us clogged the sink last night and feel asleep while leaving the sink on all night which started to seep down into our room. we’ve been dealing with problem since 7 in the morning and we still can’t put our things back into their places.  this is the worst time for this to happen because finals week is pretty much coming up and i really intended to spend all day working on my really tough 3d project but i havent been able to even start because i’ve had to spend all day dealing with the maintenance, ra, and cleaning people.  like this ruined my entire schedule for the day and ive been unable to leave the room because i have to stay to make sure the room is dealt with. this is the worst time this could happen and ive cried like 5 times since finding out about the water

He says he’s losing it, but me? I’m going hold in and probably explode. The tears just won’t come, but the sinking breathless feeling is there. I love him, his life is just starting, coast guard, leaving… I love him. And this is where some tears finally fall.

All of my weird anxiety fueled strange little habits are starting to come back because being home stresses me out. I can feel myself starting to sink into that black hole-type thing that I get stuck in sometimes. It’s so scary. I hate when this happens ugh. Home is not home. I can’t be here.

Whenever I see an attractive woman when I’m out now… I start to get this sinking feeling. And didn’t I know why until I realized, I have internalized every woman that I find attractive, will never find me attractive genuinely and only reject me. It’s not that I don’t find myself attractive (I stay in the mirror and am kinda vain) but I just fully believe that I’m not attractive to the ones I find attractive. Like I’m a positive charged ion and any other ion I think looks good or w/e else is also positively charged. (Sorry… I’m a really big science nerd) 

the forward thinking and state of things

I feel like I am in a vicious and unending whirlpool. I am caught between paths and I think that is a glimpse of things to come. Tipping points and choices to be made. I feel so angry and bitter about past events and the situations I am thrust into nowadays. The realization is upon me and for some reason I refuse to listen to it. I haven’t quite got everything figured out yet but I am trying and I do have time. The things I wanted to accomplish are looking half done or a starting line hasn’t been crossed yet. I regret that, but I need to learn from that. I am starting to get that sinking feeling again. I don’t want to end up sad with money in a nice house. I want to be fulfilled and satisfied, and as of right now nothing is being achieved. I feel sometimes I can’t be myself or talk to anyone that is “close” to me. I feel isolated in a sea of monsters and magnificent and gargantuan waves tumbling down on me. The feeling of fear from lurking beasts nipping at your shadow and waves slowly drowning you without mercy or a sign of finality. I feel locked in a cage and the key is just staring hopefully, only two inches out of the reach of my fingertips. 5/27

The pain of thinking that someone actually had interest in you. It’s such a sickening feeling.

Your heart doesn’t exactly break (because you hardly know the person) but it feels like it does. It sinks right into the abyss and you feel so lost that you start wondering what went wrong.

You wonder how you could make it right; how you could make it work.

Then you realize you probably can’t because you can do many things,

But you can’t make someone love you.

Chicane - Oxygen

You’re all I wanted
And I tried hard not to let you down
And I hope you feel it
Cause I can’t see

If you’re feeling lonely, yeah
And you need someone to calm you down
I could be around now
Anytime, just come to me

I know sometimes
We’re caught in the lights
I feel it sinking in
Lets start right now, I couldn’t say goodbye
I wanna start over again..
You’re my Oxygen

If you’re feeling lonely, yeah
And you need someone to calm you down
I could be around now
Anytime just come to me

Can you hear me calling you back home?
When you’re all alone
Can you hear me calling?
Anytime, just come to me

I think the worst part about understanding your own panic/anxiety attack symptoms is when you can only halfway stop them. Like you start feeling your chest sink or tighten and you can distract yourself but then it starts again.

It’s exhausting.